Arguments are a part of every relationship. Healthy relationships know how to survive disagreements, disappointments, and miscommunications.
But what’s the best way to recover from a disagreement? You may have heard of the “3-day rule,” which suggests that you should wait three days after an argument before trying to discuss it.
But this rule is based on some pretty shaky logic. The 3-day rule doesn’t work because often, in arguments, the miscommunication could have been solved by simple communication but isn’t, and is then further blown out of proportion due to both partners not talking it out. In other words, the 3-day rule is a recipe for making things worse.
So, what should you do after an argument? In this article, we’ll look at better ways to make up after a fight. We’ll help you learn how to communicate, listen, and treat each other with respect.
The pitfalls of the 3-day rule
While the 3-day rule might seem like a good way to cool off after an argument, it can actually make things worse. Here’s why:
Amplifying misunderstandings
When you don’t talk things out right away, it gives misunderstandings a chance to grow. What started as a small issue can become a big problem simply because you didn’t address it. Clear, simple communication can resolve many issues before they blow up.
Without communication, you leave room for assumptions and negative interpretations. Instead of understanding each other, you might start imagining the worst, which makes it harder to find a solution.
Creating distance and resentment
Intentionally avoiding communication can create distance between you and your partner. It can also foster resentment, making one or both of you feel angry and bitter. Giving someone the cold shoulder isn’t a productive tactic; it damages the relationship.
The silent treatment can feel like a punishment, which erodes trust and intimacy. Instead of feeling closer, you’ll feel more disconnected.
Missing opportunities for connection
The 3-day rule stops you from addressing the emotions and needs underneath the argument. These underlying issues are what truly need to be addressed to strengthen your connection.
Delaying communication can also make it harder to address the issue constructively. Emotions can intensify or become distorted over time, making it more difficult to talk calmly and find a resolution. Instead of connecting, you’re more likely to clash.
Immediate Actions After an Argument: The First 24 Hours
Arguments happen. Even in the best relationships. What you do after the argument is what really matters.
Cooling Down and Regulating Emotions
The first thing you want to do after an argument is take some space to regulate your emotions. But don’t just disappear! It’s important to communicate your need for space clearly and respectfully.
According to Heidi McBain, MA, LMFT, LPC, “A partner is truly healthy and collaborative when they are able to articulate his or her needs and to express their [feelings] of needing space with transparency and honesty.”
Before you try to talk things through, take some time to calm down. Engage in self-soothing activities like:
- Deep breathing
- Going for a walk
- Listening to music
- Reading a book
Initiating Contact: Breaking the Silence
Don’t give your partner the cold shoulder! If you live together, reach out within 6-12 hours, or at the next mealtime. If you don’t live together, reach out within 24 hours.
Acknowledge that you had an argument, and express a willingness to talk about it further.
Active Listening and Empathy
When you’re both ready to talk, practice active listening. That means you really try to understand your partner’s point of view. Listen without interrupting or judging them.
Show empathy by acknowledging their feelings. Let them know you understand what they are going through, even if you don’t agree with their perspective.
Effective Communication Strategies for Reconciliation
Arguments happen. The goal is to make them productive, and that means reconciliation is key.
Here are some communication strategies that can help you and your partner reconnect after a disagreement:
Taking Responsibility and Apologizing Sincerely
Own your part in the argument. A sincere apology can go a long way toward healing a rift. Be specific. Don’t just say, “I’m sorry.” Instead, say “I’m sorry that I raised my voice” or “I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to your point of view.”
Avoid making excuses for your behavior or trying to deflect blame. That will undermine your apology, and your partner will see right through it. Don’t say, “I’m sorry, but you made me do it!”
Expressing Needs and Feelings Clearly
Use “I” statements to express your needs and feelings without blaming or accusing your partner. For example, instead of saying “You always ignore me,” try saying “I feel ignored when you don’t look at me when I’m talking.”
Focus on expressing your own experience rather than criticizing their behavior. This helps your partner understand your perspective without feeling attacked.
Focusing on Solutions, Not Blame
Instead of dwelling on who was right or wrong, shift the focus to finding solutions that address the underlying issue. According to marriage therapist Hal Runkel, the difference between a “bad fight” and a “good fight” is whether you reach a solution.
Work together to brainstorm potential solutions, and be open to compromise. Remember, the goal is to find a resolution that works for both of you, even if it means meeting in the middle.
Navigating common post-argument challenges
Arguments are rarely fun. Sometimes, they’re truly awful. After a really bad fight, it can be hard to know what to do next. Here are some common challenges that couples face after an argument.
The urge to rehash and defend
When your partner needs to rehash the argument, let them. Processing their feelings is an important part of the healing process. Don’t shut them down or walk away.
It can be tempting to jump back into the argument, defending your actions and restating your point of view. Resist this urge. At this point, it’s more important to listen and understand where your partner is coming from than to be “right.”
The role of make-up sex
Make-up sex can be a great way to reconnect after a fight. But it shouldn’t be a substitute for talking about what happened. Make-up sex without communication will just push the need to talk further down the road.
Both partners need to be comfortable with make-up sex. More importantly, you need to address the issues that led to the argument.
Forgiveness and moving forward
Forgiveness is key to moving forward. That means letting go of resentment and anger so the relationship can heal. When you’re able to forgive, focus on building trust and intimacy. Prioritize positive interactions.
No one likes to fight, but arguments are a part of every relationship. By setting expectations, communicating, and practicing forgiveness, you can weather disagreements and come out stronger on the other side.
Long-Term Strategies for Healthier Conflict Resolution
Instead of relying on a “3-day rule,” think about building healthier habits that will help you and your partner resolve conflicts more constructively in the long run. Here are a few ideas:
- Regular check-ins: Make time to talk about your feelings and concerns before they blow up into bigger arguments.
- Understanding communication styles: We all communicate differently. Pay attention to how your partner expresses themselves and adapt your own style to improve understanding. Remember, every relationship has at least two minds, two hearts, and two perspectives on every issue.
- Seeking professional help: If you find yourselves stuck in the same arguments over and over, or if your conflicts are starting to damage your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist or counselor. They can provide valuable tools and strategies for healthier communication.
Building a strong foundation of open communication and mutual respect is always a better strategy than relying on arbitrary rules.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long to let him come to you after a fight?
There’s no magic number, really. It depends on the fight itself and the dynamic in your relationship. A cooling-off period is healthy, but stonewalling isn’t. If you feel he needs space to process, give it a day or two. However, if you’re constantly the one reaching out, that’s a pattern worth addressing. Communication is key – even if it’s just a “Hey, thinking of you” text after a reasonable time.
What is the 3-day rule in relationships?
The “3-day rule” suggests waiting three days before contacting someone after a disagreement. It’s often touted as a way to avoid appearing too eager or needy. Honestly, it’s an outdated concept. Relationships thrive on open communication, not arbitrary timelines. If you need to talk or clarify something, don’t wait three days just because some rule says so. Trust your gut and communicate when it feels right.
How long is too long to not speak after an argument?
Anything beyond a few days without any communication can be detrimental, especially if the issue hasn’t been addressed. Prolonged silence can breed resentment and misunderstanding. If you’re both avoiding the issue, the problem will only fester. A healthy relationship involves addressing conflicts, not sweeping them under the rug. Don’t let pride or fear prevent you from reaching out and starting a conversation.
In Closing
Arguments are a normal part of relationships. When handled well, disagreements can actually strengthen your bond by increasing understanding and intimacy. Remember, a fight can be a sign that you both care enough to work things out.
Instead of sticking to the outdated “3-day rule,” try embracing open and honest communication. This way, you can navigate conflicts and build a stronger and more resilient partnership.
Healthy relationships require effort, and learning to communicate and resolve conflict takes practice. But the rewards of a deeper connection and a more fulfilling relationship are well worth the effort. So, ditch the rules and start talking!