It’s never easy to tell someone they hurt you, and doing it over text can make it even harder. After all, texting lacks the little nonverbal cues that help you get your point across when you’re talking face to face. Still, communicating your hurt feelings is important for healthy relationships.
So, what’s the best way to tell someone they hurt you over text? What can you say to express your feelings without placing blame? And what are some good examples of texts that get the message across clearly and kindly?
In this article, we’ll explore some phrases and strategies you can use to express your hurt without making the other person feel attacked. We’ll also look at why it can be so difficult to communicate hurt feelings and offer some tips for having constructive conversations about them.
Why is it so hard to tell someone they hurt you?
It can be hard to tell someone they hurt you for a number of reasons:
- Fear of damaging the relationship. You might be worried that telling someone they hurt you will upset them, damage the relationship, or make things worse.
- Difficulty understanding and processing your own emotions. Sometimes, we don’t even think we have a right or a reason to feel hurt, so we try and talk ourselves out of it.
- Societal and personal barriers to expressing vulnerability. Upbringing, cultural attitudes, or power dynamics can shut down open communication.
- Concern about triggering defensiveness in the other person. If someone feels blamed, they’ll get defensive, and defensiveness isn’t productive.
Navigating these hurdles can be tricky, but remember that open and honest communication is key to healthy relationships.
General guidelines for communicating hurt feelings via text
Communicating hurt feelings can be tricky. It’s easy to misinterpret tone, and it’s easy to say something you regret. Here are a few ideas to keep in mind if you decide to send that text.
Timing and context
Choose the right time. Try not to bring up sensitive topics when one of you is stressed, distracted, or otherwise unable to focus on the conversation.
Think about your relationship. The way you approach a close friend will be different from how you approach a family member or acquaintance.
Crafting the message
Use “I” statements. Instead of saying, “You made me feel bad when you…”, try, “I felt sad when…” An “I” statement focuses on your feelings and doesn’t place blame on the other person.
Be direct, clear, and concise. Clear language can help the receiver understand your message. No need to beat around the bush.
Offer specific examples. Instead of saying, “You’re always doing this,” try, “I felt hurt when you didn’t invite me to the party last week.” This can foster understanding and avoid generalizations.
Managing expectations and tone
Avoid accusatory language. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel like I’m not being heard.” This encourages a productive conversation.
Be mindful of the limitations of text communication. Tone can be easily misinterpreted in texts. It’s easy to read too much into a message or assume the other person has bad intentions.
Phrases to use when communicating hurt feelings over text
Sometimes, you need to address hurt feelings right away, and texting is the easiest way to do it. Here are some phrases to consider when texting about your feelings.
Direct and concise phrases
- “I felt hurt when…” This is a simple and direct way to express your feelings. Be sure to follow with a specific example of the behavior that caused the hurt.
- “I didn’t like it when this happened.” According to therapist Jonathan Bennett, “It’s simple, direct and succinct. It’s helpful to use with a friend or family member.”
- “That made me uncomfortable.” Dr. Michele Leno, Ph.D., says, “This is a way to convey your hurt without blaming anyone.”
- “What you just said/did did not feel OK for me.” If you know something hurts immediately, it’s OK to say so.
Opening the conversation
- “Can we talk about…?” Bennett says, “This helps introduce the topic, giving you an opportunity to describe your perspective and an opportunity to hear the other person out.” This may be especially effective in workplace settings.
- “I’ve been feeling hurt lately.” Bennett suggests, “This may help open up the conversation in a more gentle way by pointing out how you have been feeling.”
Addressing specific behaviors and patterns
- “When you X, I felt really disrespected. In the future, please Y.” This phrase, suggested by Dr. Schiff, provides a clear explanation of the impact and a request for change.
- “I have some concerns about how you have been treating me.” Bennett says, “It communicates to the person that you have concerns about patterns in their behavior or the way they have been treating you for some time.”
- “Something feels off with our communication.” “State this to friends or family when you notice that almost every conversation ends in an argument,” advises Dr. Leno.
Addressing specific situations
- “I noticed I did not receive an invite and wondered if it was intentional.” “Stating this to family or close friends immediately lets them know that their actions bothered you, and a conversation will help you manage expectations.”
WHAT NOT TO SAY WHEN COMMUNICATING HURT FEELINGS OVER TEXT
Okay, so we’ve covered what to do, but what should you avoid when you’re trying to express hurt feelings via text?
- Accusatory “you” statements: It’s better to say how you felt than to accuse the other person of doing something “wrong.”
- Minimizing your feelings: Don’t start with “It’s not a big deal but…” or “It’s nothing, but…” If it was nothing, you wouldn’t be texting them!
- Passive-aggressive language: Being direct is always better than hinting or being sarcastic.
- Blanket statements or generalizations: Focus on a specific incident rather than saying things like “You always do this!”
- Blaming language: According to Dr. Leno, blaming language is ineffective and will cause the other person to become defensive and shut down.
Navigating the conversation after sending the text
So, you’ve sent your text. Now what? If things went south, consider how to ask for a second chance by text, as the next steps are crucial to ensuring a healthy resolution.
Preparing for Different Reactions
First, steel yourself. The person on the other end might get defensive. It’s human nature. Try not to take it personally. A defensive reaction doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care or that they’re trying to shut you down.
Second, be ready to listen. Really listen. Active listening — hearing what they’re really saying, not just waiting for your turn to talk — is key. Acknowledge their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.
Continuing the Dialogue
If they’ve misunderstood your message, clarify. Rephrase it. Try explaining it from a different angle. Focus on what you felt and why, rather than accusing them.
Be willing to compromise. Focus on solutions and desired future behavior, not just rehashing the past. For example, instead of saying, “You always interrupt me,” try, “I’d really appreciate it if you could let me finish my thoughts before jumping in.”
Setting Boundaries
Communicate your expectations clearly. What specific changes do you need to see in the future? Be direct and unambiguous.
Finally, be prepared to enforce those boundaries. If the hurtful behavior continues, you may need to re-evaluate the friendship and decide on the best path forward for your well-being, and maybe consider how to apologize and get a second chance.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you express deep hurt feelings in words?
Expressing deep hurt involves vulnerability. Start by acknowledging your feelings (“I feel hurt”). Be specific about the action that caused the hurt (“when you said/did X”). Explain the impact (“it made me feel Y”). Use “I” statements to avoid blaming (“I felt devalued” instead of “You made me feel devalued”). It’s okay to show emotion, but aim for clear communication, not an attack.
How to make him feel guilty for hurting you through text
While tempting, aiming for guilt rarely leads to healthy outcomes. Instead of trying to manipulate someone into feeling bad, focus on expressing your feelings and needs directly. Open communication is more likely to lead to understanding and positive change than trying to induce guilt.
How do you tell someone they hurt you over text?
Texting can be tricky, but clarity is still key. Use “I” statements (“I felt really let down when…”). Keep it concise and focused on the specific behavior. Be prepared for a response, and consider if a more in-depth conversation is needed in person or on the phone. Avoid lengthy, emotional rants over text.
How to politely tell someone they are hurting you?
Politeness involves being respectful while still being direct. Use phrases like, “I’m hoping we can talk about something that’s been bothering me.” Frame your concerns as your experience (“I’ve been feeling…”). Avoid accusatory language. Focus on finding a resolution together, rather than assigning blame. Remember, politeness helps keep the conversation open and productive.
Conclusion
Talking about your feelings, even when you’re hurt, can actually strengthen your relationships, so it’s worth learning how to communicate constructively, perhaps even through an emotional letter to your husband after a fight.
Using “I” statements and being clear about what’s bothering you is far more effective than blaming the other person. “I feel hurt when…” is almost always better than “You always…”
Hopefully, the phrases and strategies discussed here will help you communicate more effectively and build healthier relationships. It might feel awkward at first, but with a little practice, you’ll be able to express your feelings more openly and honestly, leading to more fulfilling connections.