Someone with an avoidant attachment style feels uneasy when relationships get too close. They like to keep some emotional distance and value their independence. These traits often develop early in life and affect how they handle relationships as adults.
It’s important to know that having an avoidant attachment style does not mean someone is destined to cheat. However, some behaviors associated with this style might create situations where infidelity could occur. It’s a complex issue.
This article isn’t about providing definitive proof of cheating. Instead, we’ll explore potential signs that, when considered alongside other factors, might suggest a need for open and honest communication. The article is not about the signs an avoidant is cheating, but rather signs that might be interpreted as cheating.
Increased emotional distance and withdrawal
Everyone needs some space in a relationship, but you may want to pay attention if your partner suddenly starts seeking more space, which can be one of the signs he doesn’t love you anymore.
Here are some things to keep an eye on:
Intensified avoidance behaviors
- Are they sharing fewer feelings, thoughts, and experiences with you?
- Are they spending more time alone, or are they always busy with solo activities?
- Have you noticed a decline in physical affection, like hugging, kissing, or holding hands?
- Has your sex life changed?
Defensiveness and resistance to intimacy
If you’re dating someone with an avoidant attachment style, you may notice they get defensive when you ask them about the distance growing between you.
They may:
- shut down
- change the subject
- become dismissive
You might feel like you’re talking to a brick wall, or perhaps you feel like they’re punishing you for needing more from them.
Changes in communication patterns
One of the biggest red flags to watch for is a change in communication. If your partner is suddenly acting differently, it could be a sign that something is up.
Secretive Communication
Is your partner suddenly guarding their phone like it holds the nuclear launch codes? Are they changing passwords, angling their laptop screen away from you, or getting weirdly defensive when you ask what they’ve been up to online? These are classic signs of someone trying to hide something.
Another red flag is vagueness. If your partner’s stories about where they’ve been and what they’ve been doing don’t quite add up, or if they’re suddenly “busy” all the time without a clear explanation, it’s time to pay attention.
Decreased Communication Quality
Beyond secrecy, a general decline in the quality of your conversations can also be a warning sign. Are your chats becoming more superficial, lacking the depth and connection you used to share? Do you feel like you’re talking at each other instead of with each other?
Increased irritability and conflict are also signs of trouble. If your partner is constantly on edge, quick to anger, or always picking fights, it could be a sign that they’re deflecting from something else going on in their life.
Shifts in routine and more time away
Avoidant partners typically prize their independence. But when they suddenly start spending much more time away or make unexplained changes to their schedule, it could be a red flag, especially if he ignores your texts.
Unexplained changes in schedule
Does your partner:
- Suddenly have to work late more often?
- Go on more business trips?
- Start a new hobby that takes up a lot of time?
If your partner can’t clearly explain where they’ve been or what they’ve been doing, that’s another reason to be concerned.
Increased focus on appearance and new interests
Has your partner suddenly started paying more attention to their appearance? Have they started a new exercise routine, bought new clothes, or otherwise started paying more attention to their grooming habits?
Have they developed new interests or hobbies that they pursue on their own?
These can be signs that your avoidant partner is seeking validation or excitement outside of the relationship.
Projection and blame-shifting
Avoidant attachment styles can lead to some interesting (and frustrating) behaviors. If you notice the following, it could be a sign that your partner is cheating, but it could also mean that they’re struggling with intimacy and commitment.
Accusations of infidelity
- Does your partner accuse you of cheating, or of being attracted to someone else? This could be projection, where they’re actually feeling guilty about their own actions.
- Does your partner seem suspicious and distrustful of you? This could be a smokescreen to keep you from noticing their behavior.
Blaming you for relationship problems
- Does your partner shift the blame for relationship problems onto you, refusing to acknowledge their part?
- Does your partner use criticism and contempt to make you feel insecure, so you’re less likely to question their behavior?
These behaviors are manipulative and unhealthy, whether or not infidelity is involved. If you’re experiencing this in your relationship, consider seeking couples counseling to address these communication and intimacy issues.
Gut Feelings and Intuition
Sometimes, you just know something is off. You can’t put your finger on it, but your gut is screaming at you. Trust that feeling. It could be a valid indicator that something is wrong, even if you don’t have any hard evidence, even if it feels like being ignored by someone you love.
But it’s also important to be real with yourself. Is this intuition or just insecurity? Are you reacting to past experiences or unfounded fears? Learning to tell the difference is key.
If you have a strong gut feeling that something’s not right, don’t ignore it. It doesn’t automatically mean your partner is cheating, but it does mean it’s time to dig a little deeper. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner and try to get to the bottom of what’s causing your unease.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do avoidants tend to be cheaters?
It’s not accurate to say avoidants tend to be cheaters. Attachment style doesn’t automatically dictate behavior. However, certain avoidant traits can create conditions where infidelity is more likely. Their discomfort with intimacy might lead them to seek validation elsewhere, or their tendency to detach during conflict could make them less invested in resolving relationship issues, potentially opening the door to cheating. But this isn’t a given, and many avoidants are loyal and committed partners.
Which attachment styles are more likely to cheat?
While anyone can cheat, research suggests certain attachment styles might be slightly more prone to it. Dismissive-avoidants, who value independence and suppress emotions, might cheat if they feel suffocated or disconnected. Anxious-preoccupied individuals, driven by a fear of abandonment, might cheat to seek reassurance or test their partner’s commitment. However, it’s crucial to remember that attachment style is just one factor, and individual personality, relationship dynamics, and personal values play a significant role.
What are the red flags of avoidants?
Red flags aren’t proof of cheating, but they can indicate relationship issues or potential for detachment. These include: emotional unavailability, difficulty with vulnerability, a history of short-term relationships, a tendency to shut down during arguments, a need for excessive space or alone time, and a reluctance to commit fully. Seeing several of these signs doesn’t automatically mean they’re cheating, but it does suggest communication and potentially therapy are needed to address underlying issues.
The bottom line
It’s important to remember that the signs above aren’t proof of cheating. An avoidant attachment style can cause someone to act in ways that might look like infidelity, even when they’re not being unfaithful.
The most important thing is to communicate openly and honestly with your partner. Talk about your concerns and feelings in a direct, but respectful, way.
If you’re having trouble communicating, or if you’re not sure how to move forward, consider seeking professional help. Therapy can give you a safe space to explore relationship issues and learn healthier communication patterns.