After a breakup, wanting to text your ex is normal. Breakups are hard, and moving on takes time. You might feel like you need to reach out, but it’s important to consider the possible results.
Whether or not to text your ex is a difficult question. It has both potential upsides and significant downsides. You need to think carefully about why you want to do it, how you’re feeling, and what you hope to achieve. If you’re not careful, it could slow down your healing or bring up old hurts.
This article is a guide to help you decide what to do. We’ll give you insights and tips to help you make smart choices. We’ll talk about when texting an ex might be okay, when it’s better to avoid it, and how to handle things if you decide to reach out anyway. Essentially, we’re here to help you navigate the tricky landscape of “don’t text your ex” and figure out if that’s truly the best course of action.
Why you feel the urge to text an ex
Breaking up is hard to do. And it’s normal to feel the pull to reach out to an ex, even when you know it’s a bad idea.
But why do you feel that urge?
Emotional reasons
- Loneliness and obsessive thoughts: After a breakup, many people fixate on their ex in an attempt to soothe the loneliness. If you truly loved that person, it can be difficult to let go.
- Fear of being single: Putting yourself back out there can feel daunting. Some people keep the lines of communication open with an ex to avoid feeling single again.
- Seeking validation or comfort: Breakups can leave you feeling insecure. It’s normal to crave validation or reassurance from your former partner. It’s okay to feel sad and still be hung up on it.
Practical reasons
- Lingering questions and unsaid words: Did you have a clean break, or did things end abruptly? You may have questions that need answering or things you wish you’d said. It’s important to say what you need to say, if only to get closure.
- Reconciliation fantasies: Let’s face it: Most of us entertain fantasies of getting back together with an ex. It’s tempting to believe you can recapture the romance and love you once shared.
When texting an ex is generally a bad idea
I get it. You’re hurting, you’re lonely, and that little phone in your hand feels like a lifeline to the past. But before you tap out that message, let’s consider when texting your ex is likely to backfire.
Immediately after the breakup
Think of it like this: a fresh wound needs air to heal, not another poke. Emotions are running high, you’re vulnerable, and reaching out too soon just restarts the whole grieving process. The day after the breakup is definitely not the time to text. Trust me on this one.
During the No Contact Rule
If you’re trying to move on, you’ve probably heard of the “no contact rule.” It’s designed to give you (and your ex) space to heal and grow. But as many as 80% of people break no contact at least once! Resist the urge. Breaking no contact undermines your own healing and prevents your ex from truly processing their feelings.
When intoxicated or emotionally distressed
This is a big one. Alcohol, sadness, loneliness… they all impair your judgment. When you’re not thinking clearly, you’re more likely to send a message you’ll regret. Save yourself the embarrassment and put the phone down.
When seeking validation or attention
Using your ex as an emotional crutch is never a good idea. Texting them for validation or attention is counterproductive and unhealthy. You shouldn’t try to make your ex your healer. Find a friend, therapist, or even a good book instead.
When texting an ex might be okay
So, I’ve laid out a pretty strong case for why you shouldn’t text your ex. But, like most things in life, there are gray areas. Here’s when sending a text might be acceptable:
Practical matters
- Coordinating the return of belongings: Need to give them back their lucky socks? Text them to coordinate. But keep it brief. “Hey, I have your socks. Can I drop them off Tuesday?” That’s it.
- Resolving shared obligations: If you’re still on the lease together, or you co-own a timeshare, address the situation directly and concisely via text.
Genuine apologies and making amends
I’m adding this one with a huge asterisk. If you’re looking for reconciliation, a text might be a starting point, but only if:
- Your ex expresses genuine remorse for hurting you in the past. They have to own it.
- They demonstrate they’ve changed — and that change is consistent. Actions speak louder than (text) words.
But seriously, proceed with caution. This is a slippery slope.
After significant time and personal growth
If you’ve completed a period of no contact, and you honestly feel like you’ve moved on and outgrown the relationship, you might be in a place where a text wouldn’t throw you back into the emotional deep end.
The key here is to have realistic expectations. The best way to reach out to an ex is to expect absolutely nothing at all. If you’re truly okay with radio silence, then maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to send that text.
How to approach texting an ex: Strategies for success
Okay, you’re going to text your ex. Let’s approach this strategically.
Self-reflection and intentionality
Before you even pick up your phone, take a moment to really think about why you want to text your ex.
- Understand your motivations: Are you genuinely hoping to reconnect in a healthy way? Or are you lonely, bored, or trying to fill a void? Is this interaction going to have any value?
- Evaluate your emotional state: Are you feeling strong and grounded, or are you vulnerable and craving attention? Only you can take your own emotional temperature.
Setting boundaries and managing expectations
This is crucial. Go into this with zero expectations.
- Expect nothing and be prepared for any outcome: They might not respond at all. They might respond negatively. Are you ready for that?
- Establish personal limits and boundaries: What are you willing to share? What are you hoping to get out of this? Don’t let the conversation pull you in a direction you’re not comfortable with. Remember, they are taking care of themselves. Honor that.
Building rapport and maintaining respectful communication
If they do respond, how do you keep the conversation going without spiraling?
- Focus on memorable conversations and shared interests: Bring up a funny inside joke or something you both used to enjoy. What were their passions? What did you admire about them? Try using one of these conversation starters.
- Avoiding emotional triggers and heated arguments: If you find yourselves falling back into old patterns of negativity, take a step back. Do you really want to restart that cycle?
What to do if your ex texts back (or doesn’t)
Okay, so you threw caution to the wind and texted your ex. Now what?
If they respond positively
Take a deep breath. Don’t get carried away. If you get a positive response, be chill. Know exactly what you want to get out of the contact, and understand what your limits are. How much contact can you handle before it becomes detrimental to your mental health? Set boundaries and keep your expectations in check.
If they respond negatively or not at all
Respect their decision. Don’t pressure them. Realize they’re doing what they need to do to take care of themselves.
And allow yourself to grieve. This can reopen a wound, so form a safety plan to protect yourself. Grieving is part of moving on.
If they reach out first (after no contact)
If your ex reaches out to you, respond in a positive way.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why is silence powerful with an ex?
Silence can be powerful because it disrupts the expected dynamic. After a breakup, your ex might anticipate you reaching out, seeking closure, or trying to reconcile. By choosing silence, you’re taking control of the situation and refusing to engage in the predictable post-breakup dance. This can create curiosity and make them wonder about your well-being and whether you’re moving on. More importantly, silence gives you space to heal and reflect without being pulled back into the past.
Why shouldn’t you text your ex you miss them?
Texting your ex that you miss them often undermines your healing process and can be detrimental to any chance of reconciliation down the line. It signals vulnerability and neediness, potentially pushing them further away. Expressing your feelings without knowing their intentions puts you in a weaker position. It’s essential to focus on your own healing and build a life that you love. If they’re meant to be in your life again, they’ll need to see you thriving independently, not clinging to the past. Missing someone is normal, but acting on it impulsively rarely yields the desired outcome.
In Summary
Whether or not to text an ex is a tough call, and it’s one you have to make yourself, with brutal honesty and self-awareness. Don’t gloss over the pain, even if it’s the last thing you want to face.
Your emotional well-being should be your top priority. Avoid doing anything that could throw a wrench into your healing process. If it feels right, then go for it. But, if you’re on the fence, maybe take a moment to pause and reflect.
Whether you end up texting or not, remember that healing takes time, and it’s perfectly normal to feel needy. Lean on your friends, family, or even a therapist for support. You’re not alone, and it’s okay to not be okay.