The “no contact” rule is when you cut off all communication with an ex after a breakup. That means no calls, no texts, no checking their social media, and definitely no bumping into them “accidentally.”
People do it to get some perspective, heal, and maybe even make their ex miss them. It’s also a way to break free from bad habits and start feeling good about yourself again.
But the big question everyone asks is: how long should no contact last? There’s really no single answer that works for everyone. In this article, we’ll go over some of the things that can affect how long you should go without contacting your ex.
The standard timeframe: 30, 60, or 90 days?
So, how long do you actually have to avoid contacting your ex? Is there a magic number?
While there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, here’s what relationship experts generally recommend:
The 30-day rule: A common starting point
You’ll often hear about a 30-day no contact rule. Why 30 days?
The idea is that 30 days gives you enough time for the really intense, initial emotions after a breakup to calm down. It gives you a bit of space to get some perspective.
But, to be honest, 30 days can be pretty arbitrary. It might not be enough time, especially if you’re dealing with a really deep hurt or a complicated relationship. If you don’t make any real progress toward healing in those 30 days, it can feel like you’re just marking time.
Extending the period: 60 and 90-day options
Sometimes, you need more time. A longer period of no contact might be necessary if:
- You were in a highly enmeshed relationship (where your identities were very intertwined).
- You experienced significant emotional trauma during the relationship.
- You had really unhealthy communication patterns that you need to break.
Going no contact for 60 or even 90 days can give you:
- More time for self-reflection and personal growth.
- A greater chance that your ex will actually miss you.
- A better opportunity to establish new, healthier habits.
Factors that influence how long no contact should last
The length of time you should maintain no contact isn’t written in stone. It depends on the specifics of your situation, your ex’s behavior, and, most importantly, your own healing process.
The nature of the relationship
Consider these aspects of your past relationship:
- Length: A short fling might warrant a shorter no-contact period than a relationship that lasted for years.
- Intensity: Was the relationship calm and steady, or full of drama and highs and lows? More intense relationships may require more time to detach.
- Abuse: If there was emotional, physical, or psychological abuse, the no-contact rule might become a permanent boundary for your own safety and healing.
Your personal healing process
Everyone heals at their own pace. Consider these factors:
- Emotional processing: Do you tend to work through emotions quickly, or do you need more time to process?
- Self-improvement: Are you actively focusing on yourself, pursuing hobbies, and working towards your goals?
- Support system: Do you have friends, family, or a therapist to support you during this time? A strong support network can significantly speed up the healing process.
Your ex’s behavior
Your ex’s actions can also influence the length of the no-contact period:
- Reaching out: Is your ex constantly trying to contact you, even in small ways (“breadcrumbs”)? This could be a sign of manipulation, and it’s best to maintain your distance. A genuine, respectful apology after you’ve had sufficient time to heal might warrant a conversation, but proceed with extreme caution.
- Signs of change: Is your ex actively working on the issues that led to the breakup? Have they started therapy or made other positive changes? While this is encouraging, focus on your own healing first and foremost.
INDEFINITE NO CONTACT: WHEN TO MAKE IT PERMANENT
Sometimes, no contact isn’t about a set period of time, but about choosing to permanently cut someone out of your life. This is indefinite no contact, and it means exactly what it sounds like: no contact, forever.
When is indefinite no contact appropriate?
- Abuse or harassment: If you’re experiencing abuse or harassment, cutting off contact is a must.
- Toxic or highly manipulative relationships: Some relationships are just plain bad for you. If someone is constantly manipulating you or creating drama, it’s time to walk away.
- When contact consistently hinders healing and growth: If every interaction sets you back, it’s a sign that you need to create some distance.
The benefits of indefinite no contact are huge. You’re protecting yourself from further harm, allowing yourself to truly move on, and establishing healthy boundaries that will serve you well in the future.
Navigating the no contact period: Practical tips
The no contact rule can be very hard to maintain. Here are some practical tips to make it a little easier.
Set clear boundaries
- Block their number and social media accounts. You can always unblock them later, but this will take the temptation to reach out off the table.
- Tell mutual friends that you’re taking some time and space. If they’re good friends, they’ll respect your boundaries.
- Avoid places where you know you’re likely to run into them.
Focus on self-care
- Do things you enjoy! Now is the time to binge watch your favorite show, take up a new hobby, or revisit an old one.
- Be sure to get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, and exercise.
- Spend time with friends and family who are supportive and make you feel good about yourself.
Dealing with urges to break no contact
You’re going to have moments when you want to reach out. That’s completely normal. Here are some things you can do instead.
- Identify your triggers. What makes you want to contact them? Once you know your triggers, you can come up with ways to cope.
- Remind yourself why you decided to do the no contact rule in the first place. Was it because you were feeling hurt, angry, or confused? Write down your reasons and look at them when you’re tempted to reach out.
- Instead of calling or texting, write down what you’re feeling in a journal or a note on your phone. Sometimes just getting your feelings out can help.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long of no contact is enough?
Ah, the million-dollar question! There’s no magic number, but generally, the no contact rule should last at least 30 days. That gives you enough time to detach emotionally, gain some perspective, and start healing. Some experts suggest even longer – 60 or even 90 days – especially if the relationship was particularly intense or toxic. Ultimately, “enough” depends on you and how long it takes to feel centered and strong again. Don’t rush it! Use the time wisely for self-reflection and growth.
How long does a no contact contract last?
Wait, a contract? While the no contact rule is a self-imposed strategy, a “no contact contract” implies a legal agreement, often used in situations involving restraining orders or other legal proceedings. These contracts, enforced by law, dictate specific boundaries and consequences for violating them. The duration is determined by the court and outlined in the legal document. So, if you’re thinking of a formal, legally binding no contact agreement, you’ll need to consult with a legal professional to understand the specific terms and duration.
Wrapping Up
There’s no magic number when it comes to the no contact rule. The “right” duration depends on you and your unique situation. Don’t get hung up on a specific timeline you read online.
Think about the dynamics of your relationship, how much healing you need, and how your ex is (or isn’t) behaving. Are they reaching out? Are they respecting your boundaries?
Ultimately, the goal of the no contact rule is self-improvement and healing. It’s a tool to help you move forward, whether or not you and your ex eventually reconcile. Focus on yourself, your well-being, and your future. You’ve got this!