Breakups are rough. They can throw your life into complete turmoil, and it’s important to acknowledge how difficult they can be. Losing a romantic relationship is like losing one of the most important people in your life. The emotional pain can feel as intense as grieving the death of a loved one.
That’s why understanding the emotional process you’re going through is so important. One helpful way to think about it is through the lens of grief.
You’ve probably heard of the stages of grief. The most famous model comes from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who originally developed it to describe how people cope with their own terminal illness. But the grief model can also be a helpful framework for understanding what happens when a relationship ends. In this article, we’ll be looking at the 7 stages of breakup.
These stages are: Ambivalence, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, and Growth. It’s important to remember that everyone experiences these stages differently. You might not go through them in order, you might skip some, and you might revisit others. It’s not a linear path.
The goal of this article is to provide a comprehensive guide to navigating these 7 stages of breakup. Remember to be kind to yourself during this difficult time, and don’t hesitate to reach out for support from friends, family, or a therapist.
Stage 1: Ambivalence — The Pre-Breakup Doubt
Before the storm, there’s often a strange calm. In the case of a breakup, that calm is called ambivalence. It’s that agonizing period of doubt where you’re not quite sure if you want to stay or go.
Defining Ambivalence in Relationships
Ambivalence is all about mixed signals — both from yourself and your partner. It’s the internal tug-of-war between wanting to nurture the relationship and wanting to escape it.
What does ambivalence look like? Here are some common signs:
- More frequent arguments, often over small things
- Emotional distance and a feeling of disconnection
- Questioning the future of the relationship
Navigating the Ambivalence Stage
So, you think you might be in the ambivalence stage. What now?
Start with self-reflection. Honestly evaluate your needs, desires, and expectations in the relationship. What are you truly hoping to get out of it? Make a pro and con list to assess the relationship’s strengths and weaknesses.
Next, try open and honest communication with your partner. This can be tough, but it’s crucial. Lay your cards on the table and really listen to what your partner has to say. If you’re struggling to communicate effectively, consider couples therapy.
Coping Strategies
Ambivalence can be emotionally draining. Here are a few ways to cope:
- Journaling: Write down your thoughts and feelings to process them more effectively.
- Seeking Advice: Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist for guidance and perspective.
- Mindfulness: Practice mindfulness to stay present and aware of your feelings without judgment.
The ambivalence stage is a crossroads. It’s a time for deep reflection, honest communication, and maybe, just maybe, a chance to salvage what you have.
Stage 2: Denial and Shock – The Initial Reaction
The news has landed. The relationship is over. Now what? The second stage of a breakup is often marked by denial and shock.
Understanding Denial as a Protective Mechanism
Denial is a defense mechanism. It cushions the blow and protects you, at least temporarily, from the full force of the pain. As therapist Claudia de Llano, LMFT, puts it, “Denial is a protective mechanism that absorbs the pain as we slowly deal with a shifting reality.”
The shock can manifest in many ways. You might feel disbelief, numbness, or simply have trouble processing the reality of the breakup.
Recognizing the Signs of Denial
How do you know if you’re in denial? Here are a couple of common signs:
- Minimizing the Breakup: This might involve pretending everything is fine, acting like it’s no big deal, or actively avoiding talking about it. You might find yourself saying things like, “We were on the rocks anyway,” or “It’s probably for the best.”
- Idealizing the Past: Denial can also lead you to focus only on the good parts of the relationship. You might find yourself replaying happy memories and forgetting the reasons for the split.
Coping Strategies
So, how do you move through this stage and start to heal? Here are a few strategies:
- Acknowledge Reality: As Clarissa Silva, behavioral scientist and relationship expert, advises: “Don’t lie to yourself. You have to be honest with yourself and define your truth.” Don’t suppress your emotions. Let yourself feel what you feel, even if it’s uncomfortable.
- Share the News: Lean on your support system. Tell your friends and family what’s happening. Talking about it can help you process the reality of the situation and feel less alone.
- Grief Rituals: Create small rituals to acknowledge the loss. This could involve writing a letter (that you don’t send), discarding reminders of the relationship, or cleaning your living space. These actions can help you begin to let go.
Stage 3: Anger and Resentment – The Emotional Outburst
After the initial shock and denial, things can get hot. This is the anger stage. It’s a very normal reaction to the end of a relationship.
As Claudia de Llano, LMFT, puts it, “It’s natural to feel angry in these circumstances.”
The nature of anger after a breakup
Anger often stems from feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and a loss of control. It’s a powerful emotion, and it can be directed at many targets: your ex-partner, yourself, or even the situation itself.
Manifestations of anger and resentment
This anger can show up in your daily life as increased irritability, frustration, and impatience. You might find yourself snapping at friends, family, and even strangers. Blaming your ex and making accusations may become a habit. You might feel an overwhelming urge to badmouth your ex-partner to anyone who will listen.
Healthy coping strategies
It’s essential to find healthy ways to manage this anger. As relationship expert Clarissa Silva puts it, “When it comes to breakups, you can experience anger, resentment, and loss all in the same breath.”
Here are a few strategies to try:
- Emotional Expression: Channel your anger into exercise, art, or music. These activities can provide a healthy outlet for your emotions.
- Setting Boundaries: Protect your emotional well-being by setting clear boundaries with your ex-partner. This might mean limiting contact or avoiding certain topics of conversation; you might wonder if dumpers are afraid to contact you.
- Avoiding Contact: To create emotional space, Silva recommends avoiding contact with your ex altogether. “This habit only slows your progress because it occupies your brain with thoughts of their activities and whereabouts,” she says.
The anger stage is tough, but it’s a necessary part of the healing process. By acknowledging your anger and finding healthy ways to cope, you can move forward and begin to rebuild your life.
Stage 4: Bargaining and Negotiation – The “What If” Phase
Bargaining is about trying to undo the breakup. It’s the “what if” stage, filled with attempts to negotiate or make deals to get back together.
During this phase, you might find yourself thinking, “If I change, will they come back?” or “Maybe we can try again if we just [fill in the blank].”
Recognizing Bargaining Behaviors
Bargaining often manifests in specific behaviors. You might:
- Contact your ex with promises to change.
- Try to convince them (and yourself) that things can be different this time.
- Start idealizing the relationship, conveniently forgetting the negative aspects that led to the split. Suddenly, everything was perfect, right?
Coping Strategies
Bargaining can be a tricky stage, but here’s how to navigate it:
- Acknowledge the Reality: The breakup happened. Resist the urge to rewrite history or make promises you can’t keep.
- Focus on Self-Improvement – For Yourself: Instead of trying to become the “perfect” partner to win your ex back, focus on personal growth because you want to be a better version of yourself. Pursue your hobbies, work on your goals, and invest in your well-being.
- Seek Support: Feelings of regret and longing are normal. Talking to a therapist or counselor can provide a safe space to process these emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms. They can help you understand why you’re bargaining and guide you towards acceptance.
Remember, the goal isn’t to win your ex back. It’s to move forward in a healthy and constructive way.
Stage 5: Depression and Sadness – The Weight of the Loss
After the anger starts to fade, you might be left with a heavy weight of sadness. This isn’t just feeling “bummed out.” This is a deep, pervasive sense of loss that can feel a lot like depression.
Understanding Depression After a Breakup
Depression after a breakup stems from the profound sense of loss — the loss of a partner, a future, and a shared history. It’s a natural response to a significant emotional wound.
Symptoms of depression can include:
- Persistent fatigue
- Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed
- Changes in appetite (eating significantly more or less)
- Feelings of hopelessness and despair
Recognizing the Signs of Depression
One of the most noticeable signs of depression is withdrawal. You might find yourself pulling away from social activities, isolating yourself from friends and family. You might feel like you just don’t have the energy to engage with the world.
Depression can also trigger a cascade of negative thoughts, self-doubt, and feelings of worthlessness. You might start questioning your own value, blaming yourself for the breakup, and struggling to see a positive future.
Coping Strategies
If you suspect you are experiencing depression, it’s crucial to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor.
“In this state, it is particularly recommended that you seek the help of a professional mental health clinician who can help you navigate the loss and process the feelings of sadness,” says de Llano.
In addition to professional help, focus on self-care. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, eating nutritious food, and engaging in some form of exercise, even if it’s just a short walk.
It’s also vital to connect with loved ones for support and companionship. Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends and family and let them know you’re struggling.
“Keep yourself surrounded by those that help you feel most supported,” says de Llano.
Stage 6: Acceptance and healing — rebuilding and moving forward
After the dust settles, you can start to rebuild your life. Acceptance means acknowledging that the breakup happened and adjusting to your new reality.
It also means letting go of the past and releasing your attachment to your ex. This can be a difficult, painful process, but it’s essential for healing and moving on.
How can you get to a place of acceptance?
- Self-reflection and learning: What did you learn about yourself in the relationship? What do you want to do differently in the future?
- Forgiveness: Forgive yourself and your ex. Carrying around anger and resentment will only hurt you.
- Reframe the narrative: Instead of seeing the breakup as a failure, view it as an opportunity for growth and new beginnings.
Strategies for healing
Once you’ve accepted the breakup, you can start to heal. Here are some strategies that can help:
- Patience: “Be patient with yourself and the process,” says de Llano. “Avoid putting pressure on yourself to ‘just get over it.'”
- Gratitude: Even though the relationship ended, there were probably some good times, too. Focus on the positive aspects of the relationship and be grateful for the experiences you shared.
- Mindfulness: Instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, focus on the present moment. What can you do right now to take care of yourself?
Healing from a breakup takes time and effort. Be kind to yourself, and don’t be afraid to seek help from friends, family, or a therapist.
Stage 7: Growth and Moving On — Embracing the Future
You made it! You’ve reached the final stage. Now it’s time to focus on you.
Growth after a breakup means personal development and self-discovery. It’s a time to figure out who you are now, and what you want for your future. Breakups often lead to increased self-awareness. You learn more about your own needs and desires in a relationship.
Here are some strategies to move on and embrace the future:
- Set new goals. What do you want to achieve? Maybe it’s a career change, a fitness goal, or learning a new skill. Pursue your passions!
- Build new relationships. Expand your social circle. Join a club, volunteer, or take a class. Meeting new people can bring fresh perspectives and support.
- Embrace the future. Look forward with optimism and hope, using affirmations for moving on to create a brighter future. The future is full of possibilities.
Here are a few other growth strategies to consider:
- New hobbies. Always wanted to learn pottery? Now’s the time. New hobbies can be a great distraction and a source of joy.
- Travel. Explore new places. Travel broadens your horizons and helps you see the world in a new light. Even a short road trip can be a refreshing change of scenery.
This stage is about embracing the future and creating a life that is fulfilling and joyful. You’ve learned from the past and are ready to move forward with confidence.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the 7 emotions of a breakup?
While everyone experiences breakups differently, some common emotions tend to surface throughout the process. These aren’t necessarily linear, and you might jump between them, but understanding them can help you navigate the emotional rollercoaster. These emotions can include shock and disbelief, denial, anger, bargaining (trying to win your ex back), sadness and depression, acceptance, and, eventually, hope and moving forward. Remember that it’s okay to feel all of these emotions, and it’s important to allow yourself the time and space to process them.
What are the 7 steps after a breakup?
There isn’t a single, universally defined “7 steps” to follow after a breakup, but here’s a suggested approach to healing and moving on:
- Allow Yourself to Grieve: Don’t suppress your emotions.
- Cut Contact (Initially): Create space to heal.
- Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize your well-being.
- Seek Support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist.
- Reflect and Learn: Understand what went wrong and what you want in the future.
- Set New Goals: Focus on personal growth and new experiences.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself during this difficult time.
Summary
Navigating a breakup is rarely easy, but understanding the typical emotional stages can help. These stages often include shock and denial, pain and grief, anger, reflection, acceptance, hope, and finally, moving on. Each stage brings its own unique challenges, from the initial disbelief to the eventual possibility of a brighter future.
Throughout this process, it’s vital to practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Prioritize self-care activities that bring you comfort and joy, whether it’s spending time in nature, pursuing a hobby, or simply enjoying a relaxing bath. Remember that healing takes time, and it’s okay to have good days and bad days.
Don’t hesitate to lean on your support system during this difficult time. Talk to trusted friends and family members, or consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. Talking through your feelings can provide valuable insights and coping strategies.
Ultimately, while breakups can be incredibly painful, they can also be opportunities for growth. By learning from the experience, embracing self-compassion, and seeking support when needed, you can emerge stronger, more resilient, and ready to create a fulfilling future.