Avoidant Trying? How to Tell If It’s Real & What to Expect

Attachment theory explains how your early childhood experiences affect your adult relationships. There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

People with secure attachment styles tend to be comfortable with intimacy and independence. Anxious attachment styles are characterized by a fear of abandonment and a need for constant reassurance. And avoidant attachment styles? Well, that’s where things get tricky.

Dating or being in a relationship with someone who’s avoidant can be frustrating. They might seem emotionally unavailable, distant, or unwilling to be vulnerable. It’s easy to think they just don’t care or aren’t capable of love or commitment. But that’s usually not the case.

It’s important to remember that avoidant attachment exists on a spectrum. Some avoidants are more extreme than others. And even though they may struggle with intimacy, they’re still capable of love and connection. Sometimes it’s hard to see the signs an avoidant is trying, because they might look a lot like signs they’re pulling away.

This article will explore the nuances of avoidant attachment, giving you insights into how to recognize when an avoidant partner is genuinely trying to make the relationship work, how to navigate their deactivation patterns, and how to understand the reasons behind their confusing behaviors.

Decoding Avoidant Attachment: Fearful vs. Dismissive

Avoidant attachment isn’t a monolith. There are actually two main subtypes: dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant. While both struggle with intimacy, their motivations and behaviors differ significantly. Understanding these nuances is key to recognizing when an avoidant is genuinely trying to connect.

Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

Dismissive avoidants are the champions of independence. They value self-sufficiency above all else and often suppress their emotions. Vulnerability? Not their cup of tea. For them, relationships are nice, but not essential.

In relationships, this translates to emotional distance. They avoid deep conversations, struggle with commitment, and fear losing their precious independence. Casual relationships are often preferred over anything serious.

Characteristics of dismissive avoidants

• High value on independence and self-sufficiency.
• Suppression of emotions and discomfort with vulnerability.
• Tendency to downplay the importance of relationships.

How dismissive avoidants may present in relationships

• Maintaining emotional distance and avoiding deep conversations.
• Difficulty committing and a fear of losing independence.
• A preference for casual relationships over serious commitment.

Fearful Avoidant Attachment

Fearful avoidants are a bit more complicated. They crave intimacy but are terrified of rejection. This creates a push-pull dynamic, characterized by conflicted feelings and inconsistent behavior. Trusting others is a major hurdle, and they may even self-sabotage relationships.

In relationships, you’ll see them approach, then withdraw. They express a desire for closeness, only to push their partner away. Emotional regulation is a challenge, and conflict is often poorly managed.

Characteristics of fearful avoidants

• A desire for intimacy combined with a fear of rejection.
• Conflicted feelings and inconsistent behavior in relationships.
• Difficulty trusting others and a tendency to self-sabotage.

How fearful avoidants may present in relationships

• Approaching and withdrawing from partners.
• Expressing a desire for closeness but then pushing their partner away.
• Difficulty regulating emotions and managing conflict.

Key Differences and Similarities

The core difference lies in their motivations. Dismissive avoidants prioritize independence, while fearful avoidants are driven by a fear of rejection. Both, however, struggle with intimacy and may exhibit “deactivating” behaviors to manage discomfort – things like finding flaws in their partner or focusing on minor irritations.

Knowing which subtype you’re dealing with is crucial. Fearful avoidants are more likely to express a desire for connection, even if their actions say otherwise. Dismissive avoidants? Not so much. They might not even realize (or admit) they want connection. This understanding is the first step in recognizing genuine efforts to connect, however small they may seem.

SIGNS AN AVOIDANT IS TRYING TO WORK ON THE RELATIONSHIP

Dating someone with an avoidant attachment style can be tricky. They’re often reluctant to get close, have a hard time with vulnerability, and might even push you away when things get too intense. But that doesn’t mean they don’t care or aren’t capable of change. Here are some signs that an avoidant partner is trying to make the relationship work, even if it’s not always obvious:

• Increased Communication and Openness

  This is huge. Avoidants aren’t known for their chatty nature, so any increase in communication is a good sign. Are they sharing more about their thoughts and feelings, even if it’s awkward for them? Do they respond to your texts and calls in a reasonable timeframe? Are they actually willing to talk about problems in the relationship, rather than shutting down or deflecting?

• Efforts to Spend Quality Time Together

  An avoidant who is trying will actively make an effort to spend time with you. This isn’t just about being in the same room; it’s about being present and engaged. Are they planning dates or activities? Are they putting down their phone and actually listening when you talk? Are they trying to connect with you on a deeper level, even if it’s just a little at a time?

• Expressing Empathy and Understanding

  Empathy can be a challenge for avoidants, but it’s a crucial part of a healthy relationship. Are they acknowledging your feelings and trying to see things from your perspective? Are they willing to compromise and meet your needs, even if it means stepping outside their comfort zone? Are they validating your experiences and emotions, instead of dismissing them?

• Seeking Professional Help or Self-Improvement

  This is a big one. An avoidant who is truly committed to the relationship might seek professional help to address their attachment issues. This could involve going to therapy, reading books about attachment theory, or working on self-awareness and emotional regulation skills. This shows a willingness to confront their own patterns and behaviors.

• Small but Meaningful Gestures of Affection

  Even small gestures can be significant. Are they offering words of affirmation and support? Are they initiating physical touch, like hugs or holding hands? Are they doing thoughtful things to show they care, even if it’s just making you coffee in the morning or picking up your favorite snack? These little acts of love can be a powerful sign that they’re trying to connect.

Remember, progress isn’t always linear, and sometimes you may wonder if breaking up and getting back together is toxic. There will be good days and bad days. The key is to look for consistent effort and a genuine desire to work on the relationship.

Navigating Deactivation: Recognizing and Responding

Dealing with an avoidant partner can feel like walking a tightrope. Just when you think you’re making progress, they might pull away, leaving you confused and hurt. This pulling away is often referred to as “deactivation,” and understanding it is key to navigating the relationship successfully.

Understanding Deactivation in Avoidants

Deactivation is essentially a coping mechanism. When an avoidant feels overwhelmed by emotions, especially vulnerability or anxiety, they might shut down or withdraw. It’s not necessarily a conscious decision to hurt you; it’s more like an unconscious defense mechanism to protect their sense of independence. They perceive intimacy or emotional closeness as a threat to their autonomy, and deactivation is their way of regaining control.

Common deactivating behaviors include:

• Becoming emotionally distant and unresponsive
• Avoiding physical touch or intimacy
• Throwing themselves into work or hobbies to create distance
• Becoming critical or finding fault with their partner (a way to push them away)

Recognizing Sudden vs. Gradual Deactivation

Deactivation can manifest in two main ways: suddenly or gradually.

Sudden deactivation is like a switch flipping. It’s a rapid and noticeable change in behavior, often triggered by a specific event or interaction. For example, after a deep conversation about your feelings, they might become cold and distant. This type of deactivation can feel abrupt and confusing because the trigger might not always be obvious.

Gradual deactivation is a slower, more subtle withdrawal over time. It might be harder to detect initially, but it can be equally damaging to the relationship. You might notice a decrease in communication, less emotional intimacy, and an overall sense of distance growing between you. The avoidant might seem less engaged and less interested in spending time together.

Responding to Deactivation in a Healthy Way

So, what can you do when your avoidant partner deactivates? Here are a few tips:

• Give them space: Resist the urge to chase or pressure them to open up. Allow them time to process their emotions and recharge. Respect their need for independence and self-soothing.
• Communicate your needs calmly: Express your desire for connection and reassurance without blaming or criticizing them for their behavior. Use “I” statements to express your feelings (e.g., “I feel disconnected when we don’t talk for a few days”).
• Focus on self-care: Don’t let their deactivation consume your thoughts and emotions. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Remember that their behavior is about them, not you.

The anxious-avoidant dance and ghosting

When it comes to relationships, opposites often attract. But sometimes, that attraction can lead to a frustrating cycle, especially when an anxious attachment style meets an avoidant one.

The anxious-avoidant cycle

People with anxious attachment styles crave reassurance and closeness. They want to feel secure in their relationships and may seek constant validation from their partners. On the other hand, people with avoidant attachment styles value their independence and distance. They may feel uncomfortable with too much intimacy and prioritize their personal space.

This difference in needs can create a push-pull dynamic. The anxious partner pursues the avoidant partner, seeking more connection. But the avoidant partner, feeling overwhelmed, withdraws. This withdrawal then triggers the anxious partner’s fears of abandonment, leading them to pursue even harder, which causes the avoidant partner to retreat further.

Why avoidants ghost

For an avoidant, ghosting can feel like the only way out. It’s a way to escape the emotional intimacy and vulnerability they dread. Avoidants often struggle to communicate their feelings or needs directly. Instead of having a difficult conversation, they may abruptly end the relationship by disappearing.

In the beginning of a relationship, an avoidant might idealize their partner. They see all the potential and none of the flaws, leading to intense interest and infatuation. But as the relationship progresses and the partner becomes “too real,” the avoidant may start to withdraw. The closer the relationship gets, the more uncomfortable they feel, and the more likely they are to bolt.

Recognizing red flags early on

So, how can you spot an avoidant partner before you get too invested? Here are a few red flags to watch out for:

• Inconsistent communication and lack of follow-through: They might miss dates or cancel plans without a good explanation, or they may have difficulty maintaining consistent contact.
• Excessive focus on past relationships: They might talk about their exes frequently or compare you to them.
• Listing qualities they want in a partner rather than connecting with you as an individual: This can be a sign that they’re idealizing you rather than seeing you for who you really are.

Avoidant Ex Reaching Out After a Rebound Relationship

It’s not uncommon for avoidants to bounce into rebound relationships after a breakup. These relationships can be a tempting distraction, a way to avoid facing the real emotional work that comes with processing a failed relationship, potentially leading to female dumper stages like regret and remorse. But what happens when that rebound runs its course and they come crawling back?

If an avoidant ex is trying to reconnect after a rebound, how can you tell if they’re serious about making things work and not just looking for a temporary port in a storm? You may even find yourself wondering how to get your ex girlfriend back. Look for these signs:

• Sincere apologies: Are they truly sorry for the ways they hurt you in the past? Do they acknowledge their mistakes?
• Willingness to work on themselves: Are they willing to go to therapy to address their attachment issues?
• Consistent effort: Are they putting in the effort to rebuild trust and create a genuine connection?

Before you consider taking them back, ask yourself these questions:

• Have they really changed? Have they addressed their attachment issues, or are they just saying what you want to hear?
• Are they coming back because they want you, or because the rebound relationship failed?
• Are you willing to put in the time and energy it will take to rebuild this relationship? It’s going to be work.

Frequently Asked Questions

Summary

Understanding avoidant attachment styles is key. It’s important to remember that avoidant behavior is usually the result of things that happened in the past, and it’s how some people cope with difficult situations.

Whether you’re dealing with a partner, family member, or friend with avoidant tendencies, it’s important to set healthy boundaries. Pay attention to your own needs and limits in the relationship. That may mean you have to walk away if the relationship consistently leaves you feeling unsupported or unfulfilled.

The big takeaway here is this: whether you decide to stay or leave a relationship with an avoidant person, remember that your value isn’t based on their actions. Focus on building healthy relationships with people who can give you consistent love, support, and emotional intimacy. You deserve that.