Have you ever felt like someone was keeping you around “just in case?” Like you were an option, but not the option? That might be an example of “benching,” and it’s a growing trend in the world of dating.
The “benching meaning in relationship” comes from sports – like keeping a player on the bench. They’re not actively playing, but they might get called into the game, so they have to stay ready. In dating, it means someone is keeping you on the sidelines, not fully committing, but also not letting you go.
Benching is especially common these days with all the dating apps out there. It’s easy to keep a lot of potential partners in the mix when you’ve got so many choices at your fingertips. This can lead to people keeping others on the “bench” while they explore other options.
In this article, we’ll explore the signs of benching, why people do it, and how it’s different from other dating behaviors. We’ll also give you some tips on how to cope if you think you’re being benched and ways to promote healthy dating habits.
Recognizing the signs: Are you on the bench?
So, how do you know if you’re being benched? Here are some common signs to watch out for:
Inconsistent Communication
Does your crush text or call you sporadically, with no clear pattern? Do they respond with enthusiasm sometimes, and then disappear for days or weeks at a time? Do they seem unwilling to make concrete plans or schedule dates in advance, preferring last-minute hangouts that are often canceled?
Uncertainty and Ambiguity
When you ask, “What are we?” do they avoid defining the relationship, offering vague statements like “Let’s see where things go” or “I’m not looking for anything serious right now”? Have you not met any of their friends or family members? Do they seem to keep your relationship separate from other aspects of their life?
One-Sided Effort
Are you always the one initiating contact and making plans? Do you feel like you’re putting in way more effort than they are? Are they receptive to your efforts but rarely reciprocate with the same level of enthusiasm or commitment?
If any of this sounds familiar, it’s possible you’re being benched.
Why do people bench? Understanding the motivations
So, why do people do this? What motivates someone to put another person “on the bench,” stringing them along without a real commitment?
There are a few possible explanations:
Fear of being alone
Sometimes, benching is a way to avoid the dreaded feeling of loneliness without actually committing to a real, substantial relationship. It’s like keeping a spare tire in the trunk, just in case the main tires go flat. It’s about keeping options open, just in case other prospects don’t work out.
Unrealistic expectations and the paradox of choice
Dating apps are great for meeting a lot of people, but they can also give you the impression that there’s always someone “better” just a swipe away. This “paradox of choice” can lead to unrealistic expectations and a reluctance to fully invest in someone, since you might think you’re missing out on someone even more amazing.
Managing stress and saturation in dating
Dating can be stressful. Juggling multiple relationships, even casual ones, can be overwhelming. Benching can seem like a way to simplify things, to reduce the demands on your time and energy, without completely cutting ties with someone.
Mental health factors
In some cases, certain personality traits or even mental health disorders might contribute to benching behavior. For example, someone with narcissistic tendencies might enjoy the ego boost of having multiple people vying for their attention. Similarly, attachment disorders or a lack of empathy could make it difficult for someone to form genuine connections, leading them to keep others at arm’s length, a behavior that can be seen when an avoidant pulls away after intimacy.
Benching vs. similar dating behaviors
Benching isn’t the only frustrating dating trend out there. Here’s how it stacks up against some other common behaviors.
Benching vs. ghosting
Ghosting is when someone abruptly cuts off all communication with you without any explanation at all. Poof. Gone. See ya never.
The key difference between ghosting and benching is that benching involves some communication, even if it’s sporadic and inconsistent. With ghosting, it’s radio silence.
Some might argue that benching is worse than ghosting. At least with ghosting, you know where you stand (which is nowhere). Benching, on the other hand, offers false hope and strings you along, making it harder to move on.
Benching vs. breadcrumbing
Breadcrumbing is when someone sends you small, inconsistent signals of interest to keep you engaged, but without any real intention of commitment. Think of it as leaving a trail of breadcrumbs to keep you following them.
Benching and breadcrumbing are similar because they both involve a lack of genuine interest and a desire to keep someone on the hook. In fact, breadcrumbing is often a tactic used within benching to maintain the connection.
Benching vs. cushioning
Cushioning is when someone in a committed relationship flirts with multiple people to have options in case their current relationship ends. It’s like having a “cushion” to fall back on.
The main difference here is that cushioning happens within an established relationship, while benching occurs in the early stages of dating or pre-relationship.
The Emotional Impact of Being Benched
Being benched can mess with your head. It’s confusing. You’re uncertain about where you stand, and you’re constantly trying to figure out the other person’s intentions, especially if you thought he liked you, but now he avoids you. Are they interested? Are they not? You just don’t know.
This uncertainty can lead to serious self-doubt. You start questioning your worth, wondering if you’re good enough. Feelings of inadequacy creep in, and you might even start blaming yourself. You might think, “If I were only smarter or funnier or prettier, they’d commit.”
Being kept on the sidelines can also lead to loneliness, unhappiness, and a general feeling of helplessness. You’re stuck in a limbo, wanting more but not getting it, and that takes a real emotional toll.
Ultimately, being benched can damage your ability to trust. It makes it harder to open up and form healthy relationships in the future because you’re always worried about being put on the bench again. It’s a cycle that’s tough to break.
What to do if you suspect you’re being benched
Being benched feels awful. You’re not quite “in the game” of the relationship, but you’re not entirely out of it, either. So, what do you do if you think you’re on the bench?
Here’s a good game plan:
- Communicate your needs and expectations. Talk with the person about how you’re feeling and what you want from the relationship. It’s important to express that you want clarity and commitment.
- Set boundaries and stick to them. Decide what you will and won’t put up with in a relationship. And be ready to move on if those boundaries are crossed.
- Assess the situation objectively. Take a hard look at the relationship. Are your needs being met? Is this person really invested in you?
- Prioritize your own well-being. Focus on what makes you happy and take care of yourself. Don’t waste your emotional energy on someone who isn’t giving you the same in return.
- Be prepared to move on. Sometimes, you have to accept that a relationship isn’t what you want it to be. If the relationship isn’t meeting your needs, it’s OK to end it.
Ultimately, you deserve to be with someone who values you and is ready to fully commit to a relationship. If you’re being benched, it’s time to take control of the situation and decide what’s best for you.
Dating Ethically: Avoiding Benching Behavior
Benching can really hurt someone’s feelings, and it’s often unintentional. So, how can you avoid benching someone you’re dating?
Be Honest About Your Intentions
Right from the start, you should explain what you’re looking for in a relationship. It’s not fair to lead someone on if you know you don’t see a future with them.
Respect Other People’s Feelings
Remember that your actions have a real impact on other people. Treat those you’re dating with kindness and respect, even if you’re not sure about the relationship.
Avoid Juggling Multiple Partners Without Transparency
Dating multiple people is fine, as long as everyone knows the score. Be upfront about it, and make sure everyone involved is comfortable with the situation. If someone isn’t okay with it, respect their feelings.
Focus on Building Genuine Connections
It’s tempting to try to date as many people as possible, but it’s better to focus on building real connections with people you genuinely like. Invest your time and energy in those relationships.
Be Mindful of Your Own Needs and Limitations
Don’t overextend yourself. Be realistic about what you can offer in a relationship, and don’t make promises you can’t keep. It’s okay to say you’re not ready for something serious.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is benching slang for?
In slang, “benching” refers to the act of keeping someone as a romantic option on the sidelines, similar to a sports player sitting on the bench. It means you’re not fully investing in the relationship, but you’re also not letting the person go completely. You’re keeping them in reserve, just in case.
What is benching a relationship?
Benching a relationship involves stringing someone along with minimal effort. You might send occasional texts, plan infrequent dates, and generally give them just enough attention to maintain their interest without committing to anything serious. It’s about keeping your options open and the other person waiting for a commitment that may never come.
What is benchmarking in dating?
Benchmarking in dating is not the same as benching. Benchmarking, in a general sense, refers to comparing yourself to others. In the context of dating, it could mean comparing potential partners to an “ideal” standard or past relationships. It’s about evaluating their qualities against a specific set of criteria, which isn’t inherently negative but can lead to unrealistic expectations.
What does benching mean in love?
Benching is the opposite of love. It demonstrates a lack of genuine interest and respect for the other person’s feelings. Love involves commitment, honesty, and a willingness to prioritize the relationship, the opposite of emotional detachment. Benching, on the other hand, is selfish and manipulative, as it prioritizes the bencher’s needs and desires over the other person’s well-being.
The bottom line
Benching, or being kept on the back burner, is a dating trend where someone you’re interested in keeps you as an option without fully committing. They might text you occasionally, go on a date every now and then, but never actually define the relationship. The motivations behind benching can range from a fear of commitment to simply wanting to keep options open, but regardless of the reason, it can be emotionally draining.
The key is open and honest communication. Don’t be afraid to ask where you stand. Set boundaries and know your worth. You deserve someone who’s all in, not just keeping you on the sidelines.
Prioritize your own well-being and don’t settle for crumbs. Dating should be about building genuine connections and finding someone who values you. Don’t waste your time on someone who’s stringing you along.
The dating landscape is constantly changing, with new trends and terms popping up all the time. It’s essential to keep talking about these issues, so we can all navigate the dating world with more awareness, respect, and a better understanding of what we deserve.