Long-term relationships: they’re complicated! When they end, it can feel like your world is falling apart. But what happens when you start to wonder if you made the right choice? What if you want to try again?
Attempting reconciliation is a mixed bag. It can be incredibly rewarding if it works out, but it also comes with its own set of challenges. You’re not alone if you’ve considered getting back with an ex. Many people find themselves in the same boat, wondering if they should give love another shot.
So, is it a good idea? And if it is, how do you do it right?
In this article, we’ll dive into the ins and outs of whether — and how — to successfully navigate a reconciliation after you experience a long term relationship break up and get back together.
Defining Long-Term Relationships and Reconciliation
Let’s start with some definitions, because not all relationships are created equal.
What’s a Long-Term Relationship?
When we talk about long-term relationships, we’re talking about something that goes beyond a few dates. These are relationships built on commitment, a shared history, and deep emotional investment. You’ve probably been through a lot together, and maybe you’ve even made plans for the future.
A long-term relationship is different from a shorter, more casual one. It’s marked by a deeper connection and a stronger sense of “us.”
What Does Reconciliation Mean?
Reconciliation isn’t just about getting back together after a breakup. It’s a much bigger deal than that. It means you’re both willing to really dig in and address the reasons why you broke up in the first place.
It requires rebuilding trust and creating new, healthier patterns in the relationship. If you are successful, reconciliation can lead to growth and positive change for both of you. It’s a chance to build something even stronger than what you had before.
The Odds of Reunion: Statistics, Studies, and Expert Opinions
So, what are your chances of getting back together? That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? The honest answer is: it depends. But let’s look at what the data says.
A We-TV poll found that 41% of people tried to get back with an ex after a breakup. The Journal of Adolescent Research published a study showing that half of people attempt to rekindle a broken relationship. And research from the University of Texas showed that a whopping 65% of college breakups resulted in the couple getting back together.
Experts suggest that long-term relationships actually have a higher chance of reconciliation than short-term ones. That makes sense, right? You’ve invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship, and you both know what you stand to lose.
Keep in mind that statistics only paint a broad picture. Your individual outcome will depend on the specifics of your relationship, the reasons for the breakup, and what you both do in the time apart.
Why Did You Break Up? Identifying the Root Causes
Before you even think about getting back together with an ex after a long-term relationship, you’ve got to be brutally honest with yourself (and maybe with them) about why you broke up in the first place. Don’t gloss over this part. This is the foundation, and if it’s shaky, the whole thing will crumble again.
What were the real issues? Was it:
- Communication problems? Were you constantly misunderstanding each other, or unable to express your needs?
- A lack of trust? Did jealousy or past hurts linger?
- Conflicting goals? Did you want different things out of life?
- Infidelity?
It’s tempting to blame everything on your ex, but relationships are a two-way street. You both played a role in the breakup, even if one person initiated it. Take responsibility for your part. What could you have done differently? What patterns did you contribute to?
Until you understand the core reasons behind the split, you’re just setting yourself up for another round of heartache.
Laying the groundwork for reconciliation: essential steps
So, you’re thinking about getting back together. Great. But before you do, it’s important to lay the groundwork for a healthier relationship this time around.
The no-contact rule: a period of self-reflection and healing
You may want to start with a “no-contact” rule: no texting, no calling, no emailing, no drive-bys, and absolutely no social media stalking for 21 to 45 days. It will give you both the emotional space you need to think clearly.
When you’re in no contact, you may have the urge to reach out. You might miss your ex terribly. You may worry that they’re forgetting about you or moving on. Resist! This is a time for you to focus on yourself.
Focusing on personal growth and addressing anxious tendencies
Use this time to really focus on your own growth. What can you learn from the relationship? What do you want to be different next time?
If you’re an anxious person, this separation may be especially difficult. You may want to check your ex’s social media accounts constantly. You may want to text them just to see if they’ll respond. Try to resist these urges, which can hinder your progress.
Seeking professional guidance: the role of counseling
It’s a good idea to seek help from a therapist, either individually or as a couple. Therapy can help you address the underlying issues that led to the breakup in the first place.
A therapist can provide a safe, neutral space for you to process your emotions and improve your communication skills. You and your partner can learn to express your needs more effectively and resolve conflicts in a healthier way.
Rebuilding Trust and Communication: The Cornerstones of a Successful Reunion
So, you’ve decided to give it another shot. That’s great! But getting back together is just the first step. The real work lies in rebuilding the foundation of your relationship, and that means focusing on trust and communication.
Rebuilding Trust: Small Actions, Consistent Effort
Let’s be real: trust doesn’t magically reappear overnight. It takes time. It takes consistent effort. It takes showing, not just telling.
Think about it like this: you’re proving your trustworthiness through your actions. That means:
- Transparency: Be open about your life, your feelings, and your intentions. No more secrets.
- Honesty: Always tell the truth, even when it’s difficult. White lies erode trust just as much as big ones.
- Reliability: Do what you say you’re going to do. Be dependable. Be there when you’re needed.
These small, consistent actions will gradually rebuild the trust that was lost.
Effective Communication: Openness, Honesty, and Active Listening
Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship, especially one that’s been through a breakup. Openness and honesty are crucial, but so is the ability to truly listen to your partner.
That means practicing active listening: paying attention, asking clarifying questions, and trying to understand their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. It also means learning how to resolve conflicts constructively, without resorting to blame or defensiveness.
Setting New Expectations and Goals: Creating a Sustainable Future
If you’re considering getting back together after a long-term relationship breakup, it’s crucial to set realistic goals and expectations. What do you each want out of the relationship this time around? Have your individual goals changed since the breakup? It’s important to assess these things together.
You also need to discuss whether your values are aligned and what your future aspirations are. Do you both want the same things out of life? If one person dreams of traveling the world while the other wants to settle down and start a family, that could be a problem.
Creating a shared vision for the future is essential for a sustainable relationship. This means discussing your hopes, dreams, and fears, and finding common ground that you can both work towards. If you can do this, you’ll be well on your way to building a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal for long-term relationships to break up and get back together?
It’s more common than you might think. Many long-term relationships experience periods of separation and reconciliation. Life throws curveballs, and sometimes couples need time apart to grow individually or address underlying issues. It doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is doomed, but it does signal that something needs attention.
Is it healthy to keep breaking up and getting back together?
That’s a tricky one. Repeated breakups and reconciliations, often called “relationship cycling,” can be emotionally draining and indicate unresolved problems. If the same issues keep resurfacing, it might be time to seek professional help. However, if each separation leads to genuine growth and a renewed commitment, it could potentially strengthen the relationship in the long run.
Do couples ever get back together after years apart?
Absolutely! While less frequent than shorter separations, rekindling a romance after years apart does happen. People change, circumstances evolve, and sometimes absence truly does make the heart grow fonder. Key factors often include significant personal growth, changed life priorities, and a willingness to approach the relationship with fresh eyes.
What percentage of long-term relationships get back together?
Pinpointing an exact percentage is difficult, as relationship dynamics are incredibly diverse, and there isn’t comprehensive data tracking reconciliations. However, studies suggest that a significant portion of couples who separate do attempt reconciliation at some point, though the success rate varies depending on the underlying reasons for the breakup and the effort both partners put into rebuilding the relationship.
Final Thoughts
Breaking up after a long-term relationship doesn’t always mean it’s over for good. Reconciliation is possible, but it takes real work, a lot of honesty, and a good dose of self-awareness from both of you.
If you’re considering getting back together, be sure to give yourselves time to heal, reflect on what went wrong, communicate openly, and rebuild trust. Forgive each other for past hurts, and focus on building a stronger, healthier relationship going forward.
While getting back together can be a beautiful thing, it’s also important to remember that sometimes, the kindest thing you can do for yourselves is to accept that the relationship has run its course. Either way, be gentle with yourselves as you navigate this journey.