We all know that relationships shape who we are, even the ones that end. That’s why so many people find themselves thinking about an ex, even years after the breakup. Wanting closure is a natural thing. It’s how people respond to loss and uncertainty.
But what exactly is closure? The old-fashioned idea is that closure comes from your ex, that they give you some final explanation that ties everything up neatly. But these days, many people believe that closure is something you create for yourself. It’s about finding a sense of wholeness and accepting what happened so you can move on.
Reaching out to an ex years later, especially in a situationship, can be tricky. There are emotional risks involved, and it’s important to be aware of them. Before you decide to send that text or email, it’s vital to understand what you are really hoping to achieve. Is it truly closure you’re seeking, or something else? Are you prepared for any outcome, even one that doesn’t give you the answers you crave?
In this article, we’ll explore what closure really means, how to decide if reaching out is the right move, and how to create your own internal sense of closure if direct contact isn’t possible or advisable. We’ll also offer guidance on how to move forward, whether you get the conversation you hoped for or not. If you’ve been wondering about closure with ex after years, this article is for you.
What is closure, really?
We throw the word “closure” around a lot, especially when relationships end. But what does it really mean, and is it something you can actually get from someone else, especially after years apart?
Deconstructing the myth of external closure
The idea that you need to hear certain things from your ex to move on is a common one. It suggests that there’s a magic combination of words that will suddenly make everything okay, a sense of “doneness” that only they can provide. But this idea is often a trap.
For one, it relies on your ex being willing and able to give you honest and satisfying answers, which is rarely guaranteed, especially after a long time has passed. More importantly, it gives them power over your healing process, potentially hindering your progress. You’re essentially waiting for their permission to move on.
External validation has inherent limitations. People have different perspectives on the relationship, different memories, and different interpretations of what happened. Memories are subjective and biased, so even if your ex wants to help, their version of events might clash with yours, leaving you feeling even more confused.
Shifting the focus to internal wholeness
True closure isn’t about what your ex says or does. It’s about your own journey of self-discovery and acceptance. It’s about taking responsibility for your own healing and emotional well-being, and re-establishing your sense of self after the relationship’s end.
Grief is a necessary component of this process. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, the anger, the confusion, and any other emotions that arise. Healing isn’t a linear process; there will be setbacks, and that’s perfectly normal. Embracing these feelings, rather than trying to avoid them, is key to moving forward.
Should you contact your ex? The risks and rewards
Reaching out after years apart? It’s a big decision. Before you pick up the phone or type out that email, take a good, hard look at why you want to do it. What are you really hoping to get out of it?
Assessing Your Motivations
This is all about honest self-reflection. Are you searching for genuine understanding, or are you secretly hoping to rekindle something? It’s okay to want reconciliation, but you need to be honest with yourself about it. Identify what you truly desire and what you expect could happen if you reach out. Acknowledge that you may be disappointed, and maybe even experience some emotional pain all over again.
What does “closure” even mean to you in this situation? What specific questions do you need answered? What kind of validation are you seeking? What kind of acknowledgement are you hoping to get?
Weighing the Potential Risks
Let’s be real: this could re-open old wounds. Be aware that it could trigger painful memories and emotions for both of you. Think about how your ex might react. What’s their emotional state likely to be? Prepare yourself for the possibility of rejection, defensiveness, or just plain lack of cooperation. They may not want to talk about it at all. Are you ready for that?
Consider how this contact could impact your healing process. Could it delay your progress or even set you back? Sometimes, maintaining no contact is the most effective path to closure. Will contacting them truly provide clarity, or will it just prolong the uncertainty and keep you stuck in the past?
If You Choose to Reach Out
Give it some time. Don’t reach out immediately after the breakup, no matter how long ago it was. Give yourself and your ex time to process your emotions and gain some perspective on the whole thing. You want to approach the conversation with a calm and rational mindset, not fueled by raw emotion.
How do you actually broach the subject of getting closure? According to experts, “You can broach the subject of receiving closure by asking if they would be open to discussing the relationship with you and clarifying that you hope to better understand why it didn’t work out.” Be direct, be respectful, and set clear expectations.
Navigating the conversation: what to ask (and what to avoid)
If you get the opportunity to speak with your ex, what should you say? What questions will help you find closure and move forward?
Framing your questions for clarity and understanding
Come to the conversation with the goal of understanding your ex’s perspective. For example, you might ask, “What were your reasons for ending the relationship?” Avoid accusatory or blaming language. Your goal isn’t to assign fault; it’s to gain insight into their thoughts and feelings at the time.
It can also be helpful to seek validation of shared experiences. For instance, you could ask, “Did you also feel [specific emotion] during [specific event]?” As therapist Jaime Bronstein puts it, “Ideally, if you’re asking this question, you’re not asking it to find a way back into the relationship but for validation that the feelings you both experienced in the relationship were significant for both of you.”
Topics to avoid
Leave the past in the past. Don’t rehash old arguments or dwell on past mistakes. The goal isn’t to re-litigate the relationship but to gain closure on it. Similarly, avoid pressuring your ex to take responsibility or apologize. You’re there to heal, not to win an argument. Focus on your own healing and acceptance, rather than seeking external validation.
What to do if your ex doesn’t want to talk to you
It’s possible your ex won’t agree to a conversation. If that’s the case, it’s important to practice self-compassion. Acknowledge and validate your pain, which is a crucial part of healing after being dumped. As Bronstein explains, “It makes sense that you’re struggling given how much you may have invested in the relationship and the nature of its ending.” Recognize that their refusal isn’t a reflection of your worth. Instead, focus on your own healing and self-care.
Creating internal closure: Tools and techniques
Even if you can’t get the closure you seek from your ex, you can still find closure within yourself. It’s not a quick fix, but it’s a path to healing and moving forward.
Embracing the “way out is through”: Processing your emotions
The idea here is simple, but it can be difficult in practice: allow yourself to feel. Sadness, anger, grief, disappointment…they’re all valid. Trying to suppress these emotions only prolongs the healing process. It’s like trying to hold a beach ball underwater; eventually, it’s going to pop up, and you’ll probably get splashed in the face.
Find healthy outlets to express your emotions. Journaling can be incredibly helpful for sorting through your thoughts and feelings. Therapy provides a safe space to process your emotions with a trained professional. And creative expression, whether it’s painting, writing, music, or dance, can be a powerful way to release pent-up emotions.
Equally important is reframing negative thought patterns. It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-blame or dwell on unhelpful narratives about the relationship. Challenge those thoughts. Are they really true? Are they helpful? Identify negative thoughts and actively replace them with more positive and realistic ones. Focus on your strengths and accomplishments, reminding yourself of your worth and capabilities.
Rebuilding your identity and self-worth
Often, in relationships, we can lose sight of ourselves a little. We start to define ourselves in relation to our partner. Now is the time to rediscover your passions and interests outside of the relationship. What activities bring you joy and fulfillment? What have you always wanted to try? Dive in! This is your chance to reconnect with yourself and build a life that is uniquely yours.
Don’t forget the importance of connection. Reach out to friends and family for support. Surround yourself with people who uplift and encourage you. And most importantly, practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend going through a similar situation. Acknowledge your imperfections and accept yourself as you are. Focus on your well-being and prioritize self-care. You deserve it.
Reimagining closure as wholeness
Instead of chasing the elusive “closure” from your ex, shift your focus to creating a sense of completeness within yourself. Stop thinking of closure as “doneness” and start thinking of it as “wholeness.” Recognize that relationships, even those that end, change us. They don’t define us. Embrace the lessons you’ve learned, the growth you’ve experienced, and move forward with greater self-awareness.
Cultivate relational self-awareness. Take time to understand how past relationships have shaped you. What patterns do you see? What have you learned about yourself and your needs? This understanding will help you make healthier choices in future relationships and build a more fulfilling life.
Boundaries: The Cornerstone of Closure
After a breakup, boundaries are your best friend. They’re the guardrails that keep you from sliding back into old patterns and allow you to move forward.
Establishing Boundaries with Your Ex
It can be difficult to know where to start, especially if you were together for a long time. Here are some steps you can take to set healthy boundaries with your ex:
- Limit or eliminate contact. This might mean unfollowing them on social media, avoiding gatherings where you know they’ll be, or even blocking their number. It’s about creating space for yourself to heal and protecting yourself from further emotional distress.
- Define clear expectations for communication. If contact is absolutely necessary (for example, if you share children or business interests), set ground rules. No more late-night texts or calls, and limit conversations to practical matters. Think of it as a business transaction – polite, but not personal.
Boundaries with Friends and Family
Your friends and family likely mean well, but their attempts to help can sometimes backfire. Setting boundaries with them is just as important as setting them with your ex.
- Communicate your needs. Let them know what kind of support you need – whether it’s a listening ear, advice, or a fun distraction. It’s also okay to say “no” to their attempts to help if they’re not what you need. For example, “I appreciate you wanting to set me up on a date, Mom, but I’m not ready for that yet.”
- Discourage gossip or negativity about your ex. It’s tempting to vent, and it’s natural for your loved ones to have opinions. But hearing negative comments about your ex can actually hinder your healing process. Politely ask them to refrain from gossiping or trash-talking. “I know you’re trying to help, but hearing negative things about [ex’s name] isn’t helping me move on. Can we please talk about something else?”
Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about being mean or controlling. It’s about taking care of yourself and creating a supportive environment for healing. It’s about empowering yourself to move forward with strength and grace.
Frequently Asked Questions
How to get closure from an ex after years?
Getting closure after years can be tricky. It often involves accepting the relationship is truly over. This might mean acknowledging your feelings, understanding your role in the breakup, and forgiving yourself and your ex. Sometimes, journaling or talking to a therapist can help process unresolved emotions. Limit contact to avoid reopening old wounds. Focus on your present and future, rather than dwelling on the past.
Can you still be in love with your ex after 2 years?
Yes, it’s absolutely possible to still have feelings for an ex after two years, especially if the relationship was significant. Lingering feelings can be fueled by unresolved issues, idealized memories, or a lack of fulfilling relationships since. It doesn’t necessarily mean you should get back together, but it’s a valid emotion to acknowledge.
Why do I still think of my ex after 10 years?
Thinking about an ex after a decade doesn’t automatically mean you’re still in love. They may represent a specific period in your life, a significant life event, or even just a familiar face from your past. Occasional thoughts are normal, but if it’s causing distress, it might be helpful to explore the underlying reasons with a therapist.
Is it okay to reconnect with an ex after years?
Reconnecting is a personal decision with no right or wrong answer. Consider your motivations and expectations. Have you both grown? Are you seeking friendship or something more? Be honest with yourself and your ex about your intentions. Be prepared for any outcome, including the possibility that reconnecting might not bring the satisfaction you’re hoping for.
In Conclusion
Ultimately, closure is something you achieve within yourself. Reaching out to an ex after years apart carries risk, and if you choose to do it, setting firm boundaries is essential. Throughout this process, remember to be kind to yourself and prioritize self-care. Healing isn’t always linear, and it’s okay if it feels messy.
We often feel pressure to achieve “perfect” closure, as if there’s a right way to feel or a specific outcome we should be aiming for. But healing is rarely perfect. It’s okay to have lingering questions, unresolved feelings, or even a bit of sadness. Focus on progress, not perfection. Have you learned something about yourself? Are you feeling more confident and self-aware?
Breakups, even years later, can be opportunities for growth. Embrace the future with resilience, knowing that you’ve navigated a difficult experience and emerged stronger. By focusing on self-compassion and self-discovery, you can move forward with greater clarity and confidence, ready to build a brighter future for yourself.