Breakups are rough, and everyone goes through them differently, potentially experiencing stages of breakup such as denial. It’s rarely a clean process, and how you experience it depends a lot on your personality and your attachment style. Some people cling, some detach, and others fall somewhere in between.
One particular attachment style that can make breakups extra confusing is the dismissive-avoidant style. People with this style tend to crave independence, keep their emotions at arm’s length, and often suppress their feelings. They value space and avoid getting too close, even though, deep down, they might also want a passionate connection.
So, what happens when someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style goes through a breakup? How do they process it, and how does their behavior affect their ex-partner? It’s important to note that there can be a wide range of behaviors, so this article is meant to provide guidance and not a strict diagnosis. That being said, we’ll take a look at the common emotional states and behaviors that someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style may go through after a breakup, and hopefully provide some insights into how to navigate interactions with a dismissive-avoidant ex.
Understanding attachment styles, especially how they play out in a dismissive avoidant break up, can be incredibly helpful for making sense of relationship dynamics and handling breakups in a more constructive way. By recognizing these patterns, you can navigate your relationships with more awareness and empathy.
What are dismissive avoidant breakup “stages?” Emotional states and timeline
If you’re looking for a neat, linear set of “stages” that a dismissive avoidant person goes through after a breakup, you’re going to be disappointed. A dismissive avoidant person doesn’t experience a breakup in a straight line, like someone with a more secure attachment style might.
Instead, someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style experiences multiple, conflicting emotional states at the same time. They might feel sad, hurt, guilty, relieved, regretful, angry, numb, and even depressed.
The intensity and duration of each emotion will vary. And, because of their avoidant tendencies, they may not show any of these emotions on the outside.
Common emotional states experienced by dismissive avoidants
- Sadness and hurt: Even though they may not show it, a dismissive avoidant person can feel real sadness and hurt if the relationship meant something to them.
- Guilt and remorse: They may also feel guilty about hurting their partner, even if they have a hard time expressing it.
- Relief and freedom: Many dismissive avoidants initially feel a sense of liberation after a breakup.
- Regret and disappointment: Later on, they may feel regret if the relationship was truly valuable to them.
- Anger and upset: Anger can be a defense mechanism, a way to avoid feeling vulnerable and to justify their decision to end the relationship.
- Numbness and emotionlessness: Numbness can also be a way to cope with the pain of the breakup, a form of emotional detachment.
- Depression and despair: If the breakup triggers deeper, unresolved issues, a dismissive avoidant person may experience depression and despair.
Understanding the Dismissive Avoidant Breakup Timeline
So, what does a breakup actually look like from the perspective of a dismissive avoidant? It’s not always what you’d expect. Here’s a possible timeline:
- Initial Reaction: Relief and Detachment. The immediate aftermath might bring a sense of freedom and lightness. Because dismissive avoidants prize their space and independence, a breakup can initially feel… liberating. It’s not that they didn’t care, it’s just that the pressure of the relationship is gone.
- The Delayed Emotional Response. Don’t expect tears and heartfelt confessions right away. The emotional impact might be delayed, surfacing weeks or even months later. These feelings can be confusing, even for the dismissive avoidant themselves.
- Processing and Reflection (or Lack Thereof). This is where things get tricky. Some dismissive avoidants will avoid reflecting on the relationship entirely, chalking it up to incompatibility and moving on. Others might engage in a “relationship autopsy,” dissecting what went wrong, but from a detached, analytical perspective, almost like they’re studying a case file.
- Potential for Regret and Re-engagement. Later, regret might creep in, especially if the relationship was genuinely meaningful. This could lead to attempts to re-engage, but it’s important to understand that this isn’t always about reconciliation. Sometimes, it’s about testing the waters, seeing if the other person is still interested, or simply trying to soothe their own discomfort.
- The Importance of Internal vs. External Display. Remember, outward behavior often doesn’t reflect internal feelings. What you see on the outside does not always reflect what’s going on inside a dismissive avoidant. They might seem fine, even indifferent, but that doesn’t mean they’re not processing the breakup in their own way, on their own timeline.
Do dismissive avoidant exes “test” you?
Breakups are messy, and when a dismissive avoidant is involved, the post-split landscape can feel like navigating a minefield. One question that often pops up is whether dismissive avoidants “test” their exes after a breakup. Let’s unpack this idea.
The nature of “testing” behaviors
In the context of dismissive-avoidant attachment, “testing” refers to behaviors an individual might exhibit to subtly evaluate whether they want to reconnect with the relationship. It’s like they’re dipping a toe back in the water to see if it’s worth diving back in.
It’s important to remember that this “testing” isn’t usually some calculated, malicious strategy. More often than not, it’s a subconscious way of gauging the ex-partner’s response, validating their own feelings about the breakup, and assessing the level of interest that still exists.
Common “testing” behaviors
So, what do these “tests” look like in practice?
- Distancing: This is a classic dismissive-avoidant move. They create physical or emotional distance to see how you react. Do you chase after them? Do you seem unfazed? Your response gives them information.
- Pushing Limits: They might test your boundaries to see how much you’re willing to tolerate. This could involve being difficult, demanding, or even disrespectful.
- “Dooming”: This involves expressing negativity or doubts about the relationship’s potential, even after the breakup. They might say things like, “We were never going to work anyway,” or “I’m better off alone.”
- Showing Interest in Alternatives: Flirting with others, mentioning potential new partners, or even just talking about being single can be a way of gauging your reaction. Are you jealous? Indifferent? They’re watching.
The role of reassurance seeking (or lack thereof)
Unlike anxiously attached individuals who often seek explicit reassurance after a breakup, dismissive avoidants tend to have a lower level of anxiety about the split. They’re less likely to directly ask, “Do you still care about me?” or “Do you miss me?”
This is why their “testing” behaviors are often indirect. They’re not seeking reassurance outright; they’re trying to gauge your feelings through subtle actions and observing your reactions. They want to know where you stand without having to expose their own vulnerability.
WHY A DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT EX KEEPS COMING BACK
So, your dismissive avoidant ex is back in your orbit. What’s up with that? Before you get your hopes up about a reconciliation, let’s pump the brakes. It’s important to understand that a DA ex coming back around doesn’t always mean they want to get back together. Here’s why they might be reappearing:
- It’s Not Necessarily About Reconciliation: A DA might show up because they genuinely appreciated parts of the relationship, or because they miss having someone, not necessarily you. They might appreciate the history you share, or the comfortable routines you built together.
- Fear of Loneliness (Despite Independence): DAs value their independence like gold, but that doesn’t mean they’re immune to loneliness. Reaching out can be a way to quell that fear, even if getting back into a committed relationship is the last thing on their mind.
- Familiarity and Comfort: Let’s face it, even imperfect relationships have a certain level of comfort. It’s known. Venturing into the unknown is scary for everyone, even DAs. The familiarity of a past relationship can be a strong pull.
- Testing the Waters and Keeping Options Open: This one stings, but it’s possible. A DA might be “testing” to see if you’re still interested. It’s a way for them to keep you as an option without having to fully commit.
- Genuine Affection (Despite Avoidance): This is the tricky one. DAs can feel genuine affection. The problem is, they struggle to express it in healthy ways. They might genuinely care about you, but their avoidance tendencies prevent them from fully engaging.
The bottom line? Don’t automatically assume a DA ex coming back means they want a relationship. Proceed with caution, protect your heart, and try to understand their motivations before getting your hopes up.
HOW MUCH SPACE TO GIVE A DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT EX
So, you’ve broken up with a dismissive avoidant. Now what? How much contact is too much? How much is too little? It’s a tricky balance, but here’s what to keep in mind:
Respect Their Need for Independence
This is the big one. Dismissive avoidants need space. It’s not a sign that they don’t care; it’s just how they’re wired. Bombarding them with calls and texts will only push them further away. Think of it like trying to hug a cat that doesn’t want to be hugged – it’s not going to end well for either of you.
Finding a Balance Between Space and Connection
Completely disappearing isn’t the answer either, especially if you hope to eventually rebuild some kind of relationship (friendship or otherwise). The key is to offer space while maintaining a minimal level of connection.
Initial Period of “Deactivation”
Right after the breakup, expect a period of “deactivation.” This is when they’re processing everything, and they’ll likely need very little contact. Don’t take it personally; it’s just their coping mechanism.
Gradual Re-engagement (If Desired)
If both of you are open to it, a gradual re-engagement is the best approach. Start with minimal contact – maybe a text once or twice a week to check in. Pay close attention to their responses. Are they short and distant, or are they engaging? Adjust your frequency accordingly. If they’re pulling away, give them more space. If they seem receptive, you can slowly increase the contact.
Avoiding Overly Anxious or Needy Behavior
This is crucial. Anything that smacks of neediness or anxiety will trigger their avoidance. Avoid constant check-ins, emotional outbursts, or attempts to guilt them. Remember, the goal is to make them feel safe and comfortable, not overwhelmed.
Navigating the breakup: Advice for the ex-partner
Breaking up is hard, no matter who you are. But breaking up with someone who has a dismissive avoidant attachment style can be especially challenging. Here’s some advice for navigating that situation.
Understanding Your Own Attachment Style
The first step is to understand your own attachment style and needs. Both partners in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant attachment style need to do some soul-searching and practice self-care. Take some time to understand what you need from a relationship and how you feel when those needs aren’t met.
Managing Expectations and Emotional Reactions
Dismissive avoidants are known for their emotional detachment. If you’re breaking up with one, prepare yourself for a lack of immediate remorse or emotional reaction. Try not to take it personally; it’s simply how they process emotions.
The “No Contact” Rule: Is It Necessary?
The “no contact” rule — cutting off all communication with an ex — is a popular strategy after a breakup, but what happens after 2 weeks no contact? But with a dismissive avoidant, it might not be necessary or even helpful. They’re already prone to detachment, so complete radio silence might simply reinforce their tendencies. A more flexible approach, allowing for occasional, low-pressure communication, might be more beneficial, especially if you hope to maintain some form of friendship down the line, but what are the dos and don’ts when asking your ex to meet after no contact?
Focusing on Self-Care and Healing
Prioritize self-care during this time. Engage in activities that bring you joy and boost your self-esteem. Spend time with friends and family, pursue hobbies, and focus on your own well-being. Remember, you deserve to be happy and healthy.
Recognizing Potential for Growth and Change
Attachment styles aren’t set in stone. Both you and your ex have the potential for growth and change. With conscious effort and self-awareness, it’s possible to move toward a more secure attachment style.
Consider seeking therapy or counseling to address any attachment issues you might have. Techniques like reframing your identity, building self-esteem, and practicing self-soothing can help you develop a more secure attachment style and build healthier relationships in the future.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do avoidants suddenly break up with you?
It might feel sudden, but for a dismissive avoidant, the breakup is often the culmination of a long process. They might be struggling with feeling suffocated, a loss of independence, or a fear of vulnerability. Instead of communicating these feelings, they tend to withdraw and eventually see the breakup as the only solution to regain their sense of autonomy. It’s rarely a snap decision, even if it seems that way to you.
How long does it take a dismissive avoidant to process a breakup?
Honestly, it’s tough to say definitively. Dismissive avoidants often appear to move on quickly because they prioritize independence and may suppress their emotions. They might intellectualize the breakup or focus on distractions to avoid dealing with the pain. While they seem fine on the surface, they may be unconsciously grappling with the loss much later, or even compartmentalizing it indefinitely. Don’t mistake a lack of visible emotion for a lack of feeling.
What do dismissive avoidants do after a breakup?
After a breakup, a dismissive avoidant will often throw themselves into activities that reinforce their independence and self-sufficiency. This could involve focusing intensely on work, pursuing hobbies, or engaging in casual relationships. They might avoid situations that trigger feelings of vulnerability or remind them of the relationship. The key is that they’ll prioritize maintaining their emotional distance and avoiding any perceived threat to their independence.
Putting It All Together
Dismissive avoidants experience breakups in ways that are unique to their attachment style. Although they may appear detached, that outward demeanor might not reflect what they’re truly feeling inside. It’s also not uncommon for them to “test” the waters after a breakup and potentially try to come back.
Understanding attachment styles is crucial for navigating relationship dynamics, especially when a relationship ends. It can help you manage your expectations and be more understanding of your partner’s behavior during a breakup.
If you’re going through a breakup with a dismissive avoidant, it’s important for both of you to practice empathy and self-awareness. Try to understand your own needs and feelings, as well as those of your partner.
Finally, remember that breakups are always an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. Even though it might not feel like it right now, you will heal and move forward. This experience can help you build healthier relationships in the future.