It’s a tale as old as time: You get a call from someone, and your heart skips a beat. Maybe it’s an old friend, a former flame, or even your current partner. But then, the conversation quickly turns to a request. A favor. A need only you can fulfill. Sound familiar?
It’s a universal experience, that sinking feeling when you realize someone only calls you when he needs something. It’s more than just an inconvenience; it’s an emotional drain. It makes you question the nature of the relationship. Is it genuine? Is it balanced? Or are you simply being used?
If you find yourself constantly wondering, “Why does he only call me when he needs something?” you’re not alone. This article is designed to help you recognize the signs, understand the underlying dynamics at play, and, most importantly, empower you to take control of your relationships.
We’ll explore the subtle and not-so-subtle behaviors that indicate you might be getting used, arming you with the knowledge and confidence to assess your situation objectively. But recognizing these patterns is just the first step. The real power lies in establishing healthier boundaries and fostering more equitable relationships.
By understanding the red flags and potential manipulative tactics, you can prioritize your emotional well-being and cultivate relationships based on mutual respect and genuine connection. It’s time to stop feeling like a utility and start demanding the reciprocal, supportive relationships you deserve.
Recognizing the Signs: Is He Using You?
It’s a frustrating feeling, realizing that someone you care about only seems to reach out when they want something. Is he really your friend, or is he just using you? Let’s look at some common signs.
The Pattern of Convenience
Late-Night Calls and Texts
Does he only call or text you after 10 PM? Is it always a booty call? If his calls are always at inconvenient hours, he’s likely focused on immediate gratification instead of building a real connection. He wants something right now without investing in the relationship.
“Monday to Thursday” Availability
Is he always available during the week, particularly during his downtime after work? But the weekends are consistently off-limits? This suggests he’s prioritizing other relationships or activities over spending quality time with you. You’re convenient, not a priority.
Lack of Date Planning
Does he avoid planning proper dates, opting instead for casual hangouts or last-minute invitations? He doesn’t invest the time or energy in creating meaningful shared experiences. He’s not interested in a real relationship, just a casual hookup.
Communication Red Flags
Texting Imbalance
Is he slow to respond to your texts or, worse, ignores them, especially when you’re seeking emotional support or trying to make plans? This inconsistent communication creates uncertainty, and you feel undervalued.
Avoiding Deep Conversations
Does he deflect or avoid serious conversations about the relationship, your feelings, or his own life? He’s afraid of vulnerability and reluctant to commit to a deeper emotional connection. He’s emotionally unavailable and doesn’t want to get close.
Sharing Personal Information
Does he keep his life a secret, sharing no personal details about his past, his family, or his feelings? This creates a sense of emotional distance, making it difficult to build trust and intimacy.
Social and Financial Disconnects
Social Isolation
Has he introduced you to his friends or family? If he keeps you separate from his social life, he’s reluctant to integrate you into his life and wants to keep the relationship casual. He doesn’t want anyone to know you’re together because he’s not serious about you.
Financial Imbalance
Does he ever pay for dates or activities? Is he always relying on you to cover the expenses? This financial imbalance indicates a lack of respect and consideration for your resources. He expects you to foot the bill because he’s using you.
Phone Obsession
Is he always on his phone when you’re together, paying more attention to his device than to you? This signals a lack of engagement and a prioritization of his online world over your presence. He’s not really there with you because he’s more interested in what’s happening on his phone.
Beyond the Obvious: Subtle Signs of Being Used
It’s easy enough to see the signs when someone only calls when they need something. But what about the less obvious signs? What if you feel like something is off, but you can’t quite put your finger on it? Here are some subtle red flags to consider.
Gut Feelings and External Validation
Sometimes, your intuition knows things your conscious mind doesn’t. Trust your gut. Do you have a persistent feeling that something is wrong, even if you can’t explain why? That feeling is worth exploring. Your intuition often picks up on subtle cues you might otherwise miss.
It also helps to listen to your friends. Have they expressed concern about the relationship? Are they noticing red flags that you’re overlooking? Friends can provide valuable objectivity and help you see the situation more clearly. Sometimes, an outside perspective is exactly what you need.
Emotional Manipulation Tactics
Pay attention to how he treats you. Is he only nice when he wants something? Does he use charm and flattery to get his way? This inconsistency is a classic manipulation tactic, designed to create emotional confusion and make it difficult to trust his intentions.
Another common tactic is hot and cold behavior. One moment he’s affectionate and attentive, the next he’s distant and dismissive. This emotional rollercoaster is designed to keep you off balance and seeking his approval. It’s a power play, plain and simple.
And what happens when you don’t meet his needs? Does he get angry or resentful, even if his requests are unreasonable? This anger is a form of emotional blackmail, designed to pressure you into complying with his demands. It’s a manipulative tactic intended to control you.
The One-Sided Relationship
Take a good, hard look at the relationship. Does everything feel one-sided, with you consistently giving more than you receive? This lack of reciprocity is a major red flag. It creates resentment and leaves you feeling drained and unappreciated.
How often does he ask for favors, large and small, without offering anything in return? This constant request for assistance indicates a sense of entitlement and a lack of consideration for your time and energy. It’s as if he believes he’s owed your help.
Finally, consider whether he shows any genuine interest in your well-being. Does he fulfill your needs, or does he focus solely on his own desires? If he consistently ignores your emotional well-being, it leaves you feeling invisible and unimportant in the relationship. And that’s a clear sign that you’re being used.
Why does he do it? Understanding the underlying dynamics
So, he only calls you when he needs something. That’s the pattern. But why? Figuring out the “why” can help you decide what to do next.
Identifying the motivations
There are a few common reasons why someone might only reach out when they want something:
- Convenience and ego boost: Let’s be honest, sometimes it’s easier to tap someone you know will say “yes” to whatever you’re asking. Maybe you’re a reliable source of emotional support, physical intimacy, or practical help. He might also enjoy the ego boost he gets from your attention and validation.
- Avoiding commitment: A deeper, more committed relationship can be scary. By only reaching out when he needs something, he can keep the relationship superficial and avoid getting too close. That lack of commitment gives him control and keeps him from having to be vulnerable.
Recognizing manipulative traits
Sometimes, the “why” is a little darker. It’s important to be aware of potential manipulation.
- Emotional manipulation: This is when someone uses tactics to control your behavior and get what they want. Common tactics include guilt-tripping (“If you really cared about me, you’d do this…”), gaslighting (making you question your own sanity), and playing the victim (“I’m in such a bad place, I need your help…”).
- Lack of empathy: He may simply not be able to understand or care about your feelings. This makes it hard to connect with him on a deeper level and leaves you feeling emotionally isolated. If he doesn’t truly see you, it’s easier for him to only consider his own needs.
The situationship trap
A “situationship” is a relationship without clear boundaries or expectations. It’s that gray area between friends and a committed couple. It can be fun for a while, but situationships often lack commitment and leave one or both partners feeling uncertain and unfulfilled.
You might be hoping that he’ll eventually change and commit to a real relationship. It’s natural to hope! But it’s important to be realistic. People rarely change unless they’re genuinely motivated to do so. Don’t get stuck waiting for something that might never happen. Be honest with yourself about what you want and whether this “situationship” is actually meeting your needs, or just leaving you feeling used and unfulfilled.
Taking control: What to do if you’re being used
Recognizing that you’re being used is the first step. The next is taking action to reclaim your power and build healthier relationships.
Self-reflection and assessment
- Objectively evaluate the relationship. It’s time to take a step back and look at the relationship with clear eyes. Remove those rose-colored glasses and really assess the situation. What are the facts? What does his behavior really tell you about how he values you? Focus on what is, not what you wish was.
- Acknowledge your feelings. Don’t dismiss those feelings of being used, hurt, or unappreciated. They’re valid! Allow yourself to feel them, to acknowledge that something isn’t right. Don’t try to convince yourself that things are better than they are.
Setting boundaries and communicating needs
- Define your boundaries. What are you willing to accept in this relationship, and what is absolutely off-limits? Get crystal clear on your limits. Then, think about your needs and expectations. What do you need from a relationship? Communicate those needs assertively.
- Communicate directly. This can be scary, but it’s essential. Tell him how you feel, honestly and without fear of his reaction. Be prepared for pushback or manipulation. He might try to guilt you or minimize your feelings. Stand firm. Your boundaries are valid, and you have a right to express them.
Empowering actions
- Saying “no.” This is a powerful word! Practice saying “no” to his requests, especially if they feel unreasonable or if they make you uncomfortable. Prioritize your own needs and well-being. You don’t have to justify your “no.” A simple “I’m not able to do that” is enough.
- Creating distance. Limit contact. Reduce your availability. This distance will give you the space to reassess the relationship and focus on your own needs. It will also give him an opportunity to reflect on his behavior (though he may not).
- Seeking support. Talk to trusted friends and family. They can offer objective advice and emotional support. It’s easy to feel isolated and alone when you’re being used. Talking to others can help you gain perspective and remind you that you deserve better.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can a man like you and not call you?
Yes, it’s possible. Liking someone doesn’t automatically translate into frequent calls. Some men aren’t big phone talkers, while others might be shy or unsure how often to reach out. However, consistently infrequent communication, especially if he initiates contact only when he needs something, could signal a lack of genuine interest or that he prioritizes his needs over building a connection with you.
How long is too long for a guy not to contact you?
There’s no magic number, as it depends on the context of your relationship. If you’re casually dating, a few weeks might be acceptable. But if you’re in a committed relationship, several days without contact could be a red flag, especially if there’s no explanation. Ultimately, trust your gut and communicate your needs.
What does it mean when someone only talks to you when it’s convenient for them?
When someone consistently only talks to you when it benefits them, it suggests they prioritize their needs and convenience over your relationship. It could indicate a lack of respect, empathy, or genuine interest in your well-being. They might see you as a resource rather than a partner or friend.
How do you know if he is only using you?
Pay attention to patterns. Does he only call when he needs a favor, advice, or emotional support? Is he consistently unavailable when you need him? Does he avoid deep conversations or making plans that don’t directly benefit him? If his actions consistently demonstrate a one-sided dynamic where he takes and rarely gives, he might be using you.
Closing Thoughts
So, you’re getting late-night calls, but no actual dates. Communication is sporadic, they only seem to reach out when they need something, and you feel emotionally manipulated or generally unappreciated. These are all red flags that you’re being used.
Remember, you deserve a relationship where you’re valued, respected, and appreciated for who you are, not just for what you can provide. It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to help someone, especially someone you care about, but you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Prioritize your own well-being. If a relationship isn’t serving you, be willing to walk away. Focus on building healthy, equitable relationships based on mutual respect and genuine connection. Trust your gut. If something feels off, it probably is. You deserve better.