Ending a relationship can be tough, but after a toxic relationship, finding closure can feel almost impossible. Unlike a regular breakup, toxic relationships often involve manipulation, emotional abuse, and a distorted sense of reality. It’s not as simple as just walking away; you have to actively reclaim your sense of self.
But what does “closure” even mean in this context? It’s not about getting that apology you deserve or finally hearing a logical explanation from your ex. It’s about something deeper: an internal process of accepting what happened, healing from the wounds, and finally letting go of the pain.
Understand that getting closure from a toxic relationship won’t be easy. It takes time, patience, and a whole lot of self-compassion. You’ll need to confront some uncomfortable emotions head-on. But it is possible to heal and grow. This article will give you a roadmap with concrete steps you can take to guide you on your journey toward closure and a brighter future.
Understanding the landscape: Recognizing the toxicity and its impact
Before you can move on, you need to take stock of what happened.
Identifying the hallmarks of a toxic relationship
Toxic relationships are often marked by specific behaviors, including gaslighting and coercive control:
- Gaslighting
- Manipulation
- Control
- Emotional abuse
- Constant criticism
These behaviors chip away at your self-esteem and foster a cycle of dependence. There’s usually a power imbalance, with one person holding more sway than the other.
Toxic relationships have a real impact on your mental and emotional well-being. You might experience:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Low self-esteem
- Feelings of isolation
It’s also common to lose sight of your own needs and values during the relationship.
Acknowledging the role you played (without self-blame)
It’s important to understand why you stayed in the relationship, but without blaming yourself.
Maybe it was fear, hope that things would change, low self-worth, or even a history of similar relationships. It’s crucial to acknowledge these reasons without judgment.
Sometimes, past experiences can influence our relationship choices without us even realizing it. This is sometimes called “repetition compulsion.”
Also, think about any patterns or tendencies that you might have brought to the relationship. Do you tend to people-please? Do you avoid conflict at all costs? Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking them in the future.
Detach and distance: Create physical and emotional space
Once you’ve realized you need to move on, it’s time to create some space between you and your former partner.
Implement “no contact”
No contact is essential. You might even wonder when, if ever, it’s okay to text your ex. It helps you break free from the cycle of manipulation and control that toxic relationships thrive on. This means blocking phone numbers, social media accounts, and email addresses. It also means avoiding contact through mutual friends or family members.
I know this is hard! You may feel cravings, guilt, and the urge to check on your ex. During those moments, remind yourself why you ended the relationship. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist.
Establish healthy boundaries
Healthy boundaries protect your energy and well-being. Define your limits: What behaviors are unacceptable? What consequences will you enforce if someone crosses those lines?
Communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively, and be prepared to walk away if those boundaries are violated. Sometimes, that might even mean ghosting someone.
And remember that “no” is a complete sentence. You don’t have to explain or justify your decisions to anyone. Prioritize your own needs and desires.
Processing the pain: Grieving the loss and validating your emotions
Ending a toxic relationship may be a relief, but it’s still a loss. You’re losing the relationship and the future you thought you’d have. Be kind to yourself as you grieve.
Allow yourself to grieve
Grief comes in stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It’s all part of the healing process, so allow yourself to feel your feelings fully. As therapist Babita Spinelli, LP, says, “Leaving any relationship, toxic or not, creates a grief response similar to a bereavement.”
Don’t minimize your pain because the relationship was toxic. Toxic relationships can leave deep emotional scars. Your feelings are valid, no matter what anyone else says. Don’t compare your experience to anyone else’s.
Validate your emotions
Your feelings are a natural response to the abuse you experienced. Acknowledge that what you’re feeling is real and OK.
- Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend who is going through a tough time. Forgive yourself for any mistakes you made.
- Try journaling. Write down what you’re thinking and feeling without judging yourself. As relationship expert Marla Mattenson says, “Log your feelings on [a] daily basis so that you have solid evidence of how your partner makes you feel.” Journaling can help you see patterns and gain clarity.
Rewriting the narrative: Challenging negative beliefs and reclaiming your story
Toxic relationships have a way of distorting reality and planting seeds of doubt. One of the most powerful ways to get closure is to rewrite the narrative, challenging the negative beliefs that took root and reclaiming your personal story.
Identifying and challenging negative self-beliefs
Toxic partners often use manipulation and gaslighting to erode your self-worth. Common negative beliefs that result from this include:
- “I’m not good enough.”
- “I’m unlovable.”
- “I deserve to be treated this way.”
Challenge these beliefs by questioning their validity. Ask yourself: Is this really true? What is the evidence? Chances are, you’ll find that these beliefs are based on lies and distortions.
Replacing negative beliefs with positive affirmations
Once you’ve identified and challenged the negative beliefs, replace them with positive affirmations. Focus on your strengths and worth. Write down positive affirmations and repeat them daily. Examples include:
- “I am worthy of love and respect.”
- “I am strong and resilient.”
- “I am capable of creating a fulfilling life.”
Reframing your experience
Instead of dwelling on the pain and negativity, try to reframe your experience by focusing on the lessons learned and the growth you’ve achieved. Even in toxic relationships, there can be opportunities for growth.
What did you learn about yourself? What are you grateful for? Focus on these positive aspects and use them to create a better future.
Recognizing your resilience
Remember that you survived a toxic relationship. That is a testament to your strength and resilience. Acknowledge your ability to overcome adversity, and celebrate your healing journey.
Closure rituals and forgiveness
Sometimes, you have to make your own closure.
Creating a closure ritual
A closure ritual can help you symbolically release the past and move forward. You might write a letter to your ex, but not send it. You could burn photos and mementos. You might create a memory box or plant a tree in honor of your new life.
Pick a ritual that feels meaningful and empowering to you. The goal is to create a sense of completion and release.
As you engage in your ritual, focus on your desire to let go and move on. Visualize yourself releasing the past and stepping into a brighter future. Believe in your ability to heal and create a fulfilling life.
Embracing forgiveness (especially for yourself)
Forgiveness is a funny thing. People often think it means excusing or condoning bad behavior. But in this case, forgiveness is about releasing yourself from the burden of anger and resentment. It’s not about them; it’s about you.
Forgiveness is a process, not an event. It takes time and effort to release the bad feelings. Let go of the need for revenge or justice and focus on your own healing and well-being.
Forgiveness is self-care. It allows you to move forward without being weighed down by the past.
Self-care and support: Nurturing your mind, body, and spirit
After a toxic relationship ends, your mind, body, and spirit may feel depleted. It’s time to refill your cup.
Prioritize self-care
What makes you feel good? What nourishes you? Make time for those activities every day. Self-care might mean:
- Exercising
- Eating healthy meals
- Practicing mindfulness or meditation
- Spending time in nature
- Pursuing hobbies
- Connecting with loved ones
Schedule time for the activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Rediscover who you were before the relationship. Often, people in dysfunctional relationships start to lose themselves, forget themselves, and no longer prioritize their own happiness. Explore new hobbies, or revisit old ones that you loved.
Build a strong support system
Surround yourself with positive, supportive people. Connect with friends and family. Share your experiences and seek emotional support. Lean on your loved ones for encouragement and guidance. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Consider getting professional support. A therapist or counselor can give you a safe, supportive place to explore your emotions and develop healthy coping strategies.
Frequently Asked Questions
How to grieve a toxic relationship
Grieving a toxic relationship is a unique process. It’s about acknowledging the pain and loss without romanticizing the bad times. Allow yourself to feel sad, angry, or confused. Journaling can help you process these emotions. Practice self-care, focusing on activities that bring you joy and comfort. Lean on your support system, connecting with friends and family who understand what you’ve been through. Remember, it’s okay to seek professional help from a therapist who can guide you through the grieving process and help you develop healthy coping mechanisms.
How do I give myself closure from a toxic relationship
Closure often comes from within, not from the other person. Start by accepting that you may never get the apology or explanation you desire. Focus on understanding your role in the relationship and what you learned from it. Set firm boundaries and maintain no contact with your ex. Create a new narrative for yourself, focusing on your strengths and goals for the future. Practice forgiveness, not necessarily for your ex, but for yourself, to release the anger and resentment that’s holding you back. Celebrate your progress and acknowledge how far you’ve come. Remember, closure is a journey, not a destination.
In Summary
Healing from a toxic relationship isn’t a straight line; it’s a journey with ups and downs. Be patient with yourself, and remember to practice self-compassion. As you move forward, you’ll learn how to be happy again, just as you learned how to cope in the toxic relationship.
Moving forward, remember your worth and that you deserve a healthy, loving relationship. Learn to recognize red flags early on and set healthy boundaries to protect yourself from future toxicity.
While you can’t rewrite the past, you can create a new ending. You’re stronger and wiser now, and you have the power to build a fulfilling life filled with love and joy. Embrace your new beginning with hope and optimism.