How to Get Your Ex Back After Hurting Them (and Keep Them!)

Breakups are hard. There’s that empty spot where they used to be, the ache of missing them, and the nagging feeling that maybe, just maybe, you can fix things and get back together. It’s easy to remember only the good times and forget the reasons you broke up in the first place.

But what if you know you messed up? What if you hurt your ex, and you desperately want to make things right?

This guide is for those who recognize they caused pain and genuinely want to make amends. It’s not just about getting them back; it’s about acknowledging the hurt you caused and taking ownership of your actions.

Now, let’s be realistic. Getting back together isn’t always the best idea, and it’s definitely not guaranteed. Even if you do everything “right,” the odds of long-term success can be low. So, approach this with a clear head and understand that it might not work out. And that’s okay.

The focus here is on self-improvement and genuine change, not manipulation. Forget about playing games or trying to trick your ex into coming back. Those tactics are unhealthy and don’t work in the long run. True change comes from within, and it’s the foundation for any chance of reconciliation. It’s about learning how to get your ex back after hurting them by first changing yourself.

Understanding the Damage: What Did You Do, and Why Does It Matter?

Okay, so you messed up. Badly. And now you want your ex back. Before you even think about crafting the perfect text or staging a grand romantic gesture, you need to do some serious soul-searching.

It’s not enough to just say, “I’m sorry.” You need to understand the damage you caused.

Identifying the specific hurt

Vague apologies don’t cut it. “I’m sorry for everything” is weak. You need to pinpoint exactly what led to the breakup. Was it:

• Infidelity?
• Lying?
• Emotional neglect?

The more specific, the better. But don’t stop there. Go beyond just naming the action. Think about the impact on your ex. How did your actions make them feel?

Did they feel:

• Betrayed?
• Unloved?
• Insecure?

Put yourself in their shoes. Really consider their perspective and emotional state. What did they experience because of your behavior?

The importance of empathy: Seeing things from their point of view

Remember that they were emotionally invested in the relationship. They likely wanted it to work, and they put time and energy into building something with you. Now, that’s gone because of your actions.

Understand their reluctance to reconcile. They may be blaming themselves, or using anger as a defense mechanism to protect themselves from further hurt. Acknowledge that anger may be easier to express than the deep-seated hurt they’re truly feeling. It’s a shield, not necessarily the core emotion.

Until you truly grasp the depth of the pain you inflicted, you’re not ready to even think about getting back together.

Taking Responsibility: Owning Your Mistakes and Showing Remorse

Okay, you’ve hurt your ex. Maybe badly. Getting them back starts with a crucial step: taking full responsibility for your actions. This isn’t just about saying “sorry.” It’s about demonstrating genuine remorse and a commitment to change.

The Anatomy of a Sincere Apology: More Than Just Saying “Sorry”

A truly sincere apology goes beyond a simple phrase. It involves several key components:

• Acknowledge the Specific Hurt: Don’t be vague. Clearly state what you did wrong and, more importantly, how it affected them. Show that you understand the consequences of your actions.
• Express Genuine Remorse and Regret: Let them know you understand the pain you inflicted and that you are truly sorry. This isn’t about you feeling bad; it’s about acknowledging their pain.
• Avoid Making Excuses or Shifting Blame: This is the hardest part for many people. Take full responsibility for your actions, even if you feel justified in some way. Excuses invalidate their feelings and undermine your sincerity.

Demonstrating Change: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

An apology is a good start, but it’s not enough. You need to show them you’re serious about changing.

• Identify the Root Causes of Your Behavior: What led you to make those mistakes? Dig deep. Were you insecure? Acting out of anger? Jealous? Address the underlying issues, not just the surface-level symptoms.
• Show Concrete Steps You Are Taking to Change: This is where action comes in. Are you going to therapy? Reading self-help books? Working on your communication skills? Be able to articulate the steps you’re taking and, more importantly, show them you’re invested in your own growth. This isn’t about changing for them; it’s about becoming a better person for yourself. The potential for a renewed relationship is a bonus, not the primary motivation.

Remember, rebuilding trust takes time and consistent effort. A sincere apology and demonstrable change are the foundation upon which that trust can be rebuilt.

The No Contact Rule: Creating Space for Healing and Re-Attraction

Okay, so you’ve messed up. You hurt your ex, and now you want them back. Before you launch into grand gestures and tearful apologies, there’s something you need to understand: space. And that’s where the No Contact Rule comes in.

What is the No Contact Rule?

The No Contact Rule is exactly what it sounds like: a period of complete separation. We’re talking no calls, no texts, no DMs, no liking their Instagram posts, no accidentally-on-purpose bumping into them at their favorite coffee shop. Nada. Zilch. The general rule of thumb is 30 days.

Now, before you think this is some manipulative tactic, let me be clear: it’s not. The point isn’t to play games or try to make your ex jealous. It’s about giving them (and you) genuine space to heal and process your feelings.

Benefits for both of you

The No Contact Rule benefits both parties. For your ex, it allows them to experience life without you. This might sound harsh, but it’s essential. It gives them the chance to truly realize what they miss about the relationship (if anything). It also prevents you from smothering them and pushing them further away.

For you, it’s a chance to reflect and work on yourself. Remember those things you neglected while you were in the relationship? Now’s the time to revisit them. Focus on your own healing, personal growth, and rediscovering who you are as an individual. It also allows you to honestly assess if you really want them back, or if you’re just missing the comfort and familiarity of the relationship.

Staying strong

Maintaining No Contact is tough, especially when you’re itching to apologize or check in. Resist the urge to reach out! Remind yourself of the reasons you’re doing this. Focus on your own life and activities. Engage in hobbies, spend time with friends, pursue your goals, and do things that make you happy. The stronger you are as an individual, the more attractive you’ll be (to yourself and potentially to your ex) in the long run.

Investing in Yourself: Becoming a Better Person, Inside and Out

Getting your ex back isn’t just about winning them over again. It’s about becoming someone worth winning back. It’s about demonstrating real, lasting change. And the best way to do that is to focus on yourself.

Prioritizing physical and mental well-being

Start with the basics. Are you taking care of yourself? That means:

• Improving your diet: Ditch the junk food and fuel your body with nutritious meals.
• Exercising regularly: Find an activity you enjoy and stick with it.
• Getting enough sleep: Aim for 7-9 hours of quality sleep each night.

But it’s not just about physical health. Your mental well-being is crucial. If you’re struggling with unresolved issues, consider seeking professional help. Therapy can provide you with the tools and support you need to cope with your emotions and address any underlying problems that may have contributed to the breakup.

Developing new hobbies and interests

Don’t let your world revolve solely around your ex. Expand your horizons and discover new passions. Take a class, join a club, or explore a new activity. This not only makes you a more interesting and well-rounded person, but it also shows your ex that you’re actively working on self-improvement and have a life outside of the relationship.

Building a stronger support system

Surround yourself with people who love and support you. Spend time with friends and family who lift you up and remind you of your worth. This will provide you with the emotional support you need to navigate this challenging time and prevent you from isolating yourself. Remember, you’re not alone, and having a strong support system can make all the difference.

Re-Establishing Contact: Approaching Your Ex with Respect and Honesty

Okay, so you’ve done the work. You’ve reflected, apologized (sincerely!), and started making changes. Now comes the really tricky part: re-establishing contact.

Knowing when and how to reach out

Timing is everything. Don’t even think about reaching out until you’ve made significant progress on yourself. You need to be in a good place emotionally, or you risk making things worse. This isn’t about manipulation; it’s about genuine growth.

When you do reach out, start small. A casual, friendly message is the way to go. Avoid anything that puts pressure on them or demands a response. Think, “Hey, I was thinking about that time we went to [place] and it made me smile. Hope you’re doing well.” That’s it. Keep it light.

Expressing your desire for reconciliation (without being pushy)

Eventually, if the conversation is flowing, you’ll need to be clear about your intentions. Don’t beat around the bush. Tell your ex that you want them back, but respect their boundaries. Acknowledge their feelings and concerns.

Let them know you understand why they might be hesitant. “I know I hurt you, and I understand if you need more time, or if you don’t think we can work. I just wanted you to know how I feel.” Clarity and respect are key.

Active listening: Truly hearing what your ex has to say

This is huge. When your ex is talking, really listen. Pay attention to their words, their tone, their body language. Show them that you are genuinely interested in their perspective. This isn’t about waiting for your turn to talk; it’s about understanding.

Avoid interrupting or getting defensive. Let them express their feelings without judgment, even if it’s hard to hear. This is their chance to be heard, and it’s your chance to show them that you’ve changed.

Rebuilding Trust: The Foundation of a Second Chance

You did a bad thing. You hurt someone you loved. If you want to get back together, the first thing you have to do is rebuild trust. Without trust, a relationship is doomed.

Trust is the foundation of emotional safety and security. When you break someone’s trust, you make it very hard for them to feel safe with you again. Rebuilding trust takes time, effort, and consistent action.

Here’s how you can start rebuilding trust with your ex:

• Be transparent and honest. No more secrets. No more withholding information. Be open about your feelings, thoughts, and actions. Consistent honesty is key.
• Follow through on your promises. Do what you say you’re going to do. If you say you’ll call, call. If you say you’ll be there, be there. Show your ex that you’re reliable and trustworthy. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. It’s better to under-promise and over-deliver.

Rebuilding trust is not a quick fix. It’s a process. Be patient. Be persistent. And most importantly, be genuine. If you are, you have a chance of rebuilding a stronger, healthier relationship with your ex.

Knowing when to walk away: Accepting rejection and moving on

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, reconciliation simply isn’t possible. It’s crucial to recognize the signs and accept rejection with grace and dignity.

Here are some signs that getting back together might not be in the cards:

• Your ex is unwilling to communicate or engage in conversation. They might be closed off to any discussion about the possibility of reconciliation.
• They’re still noticeably angry or resentful. They may not be ready to forgive you or move past the hurt, and that’s understandable.
• They’ve moved on and are in a new relationship. You need to respect their decision and not try to interfere.

If you’re facing these situations, it’s time to accept rejection with grace. Avoid begging, pleading, or harassing your ex; this will only push them further away. Respect their decision, and wish them well, even if it’s difficult.

The most important thing you can do is to focus on your own healing and future. Keep working on yourself and building a fulfilling life. You deserve to be happy, even if that happiness doesn’t include your ex.

Frequently Asked Questions

In Summary

Let’s be honest: the odds are stacked against you. Only a small percentage of couples manage to successfully rekindle a relationship, and even fewer stay together in the long run. So, prepare yourself for the possibility of disappointment.

Remember, wanting your ex back shouldn’t stem from a fear of being alone or from insecurity. It should be about wanting them, not needing them. If you’re not doing it for the right reasons, you’re setting yourself up for failure.

Take a hard look at your compatibility and try to truly understand why you broke up in the first place. Are you really a good fit? Have you addressed the underlying issues?

Ultimately, the goal should be to become a better version of yourself, regardless of whether or not you get back together. Focus on personal growth, not on trying to manipulate your ex into taking you back. Become a better person, not just a better partner.

Even if you don’t succeed in winning them back, you can still walk away from this experience a more evolved and self-aware human being. And that’s a win in itself.