Breakups are hard. It’s even harder when you’ve been hurt by someone you used to care about. It’s normal to feel betrayed, confused, and angry, and emotional hurt quotes can help you feel understood.
Deciding whether you should respond to an ex who hurt you can be complex. You have to consider your emotions, the nature of the hurt, and what you hope to achieve.
Maybe you want to know how to respond to an ex who hurt you without making things worse. Or maybe you’re wondering if you should respond at all. It’s a nuanced decision.
In this article, we’ll walk through some things to consider when deciding whether to respond. We’ll also cover constructive ways to respond, and when it’s better to just walk away. We’ll also talk about building value and the importance of timing.
Should you even respond? Assessing the landscape
Your ex hurt you. Now they’re reaching out. Should you even respond? That depends.
Before you type a single word, it’s important to take stock of the situation. Here are a few things to consider.
The nature of the hurt
Was it a minor offense, or a major betrayal? Was it a thoughtless comment, or a deliberate act of infidelity or abuse? The severity of the hurt should weigh heavily on your decision.
If your ex betrayed you, physically or emotionally abused you, or tried to ruin your reputation, the answer is likely a resounding no. Do not respond.
Your emotional state
Are you emotionally regulated enough to have a productive conversation? Responding while overwhelmed with anger or sadness can lead to regrettable exchanges. If you are in the anger stage of a breakup, take some time to process your emotions and rebuild your self-esteem before engaging.
Also, are you hoping to reconcile? Your goals—getting them back or moving on—will affect your approach. If you want to get back together, you might be more willing to engage.
The ex’s motivations
Why are they reaching out? Are they genuinely remorseful, or do they have ulterior motives? What do they really want?
Are they seeking validation, attention, or something else entirely? As dating and relationship coach Treva Brandon Scharf has said, “Dumpers are so focused on how they feel and what they want to feel that they don’t realize or care they hurt you.”
When Silence is Golden: Scenarios Where Responding is Detrimental
Sometimes, the best response is no response. Responding to an ex who hurt you can open old wounds or lead to further heartache. Here are some situations where silence is the best strategy:
- Abuse of any kind: Physical, emotional, or verbal abuse is a bright red flag. Do not engage. Do not try to “work things out.” Just walk away.
- Manipulation and Gaslighting: If your ex consistently twists your words, makes you question your sanity, or otherwise manipulates you, engaging with them will only perpetuate the cycle. Protect your mental health.
- Lack of Remorse or Accountability: If your ex refuses to admit they did anything wrong or take responsibility for their actions, you’re not going to get anywhere. Focus on healing and finding validation from within yourself instead of seeking it from someone incapable of providing it.
- Protecting Your Peace: Sometimes, you just need to protect your own emotional well-being. Setting boundaries and cutting off contact is crucial for healing and moving on.
Choosing not to respond isn’t always easy, but it’s often the most empowering decision you can make.
Crafting Your Response: Principles for Constructive Communication
So, your ex hurt you. What’s next? Here’s a guide to crafting your response.
Timing is Everything
Don’t rush. Take a beat. Or several. Let your emotions settle before you even think about responding. The when is often more important than the what you say.
Often, the best initial response is no response. The no-contact rule isn’t just about getting your ex back; it’s about giving yourself the space to heal and reassess the relationship from a healthy distance.
Maintaining Composure
Respond, don’t react. Aim for calm, even if you’re churning inside. Politeness and respect—even when you’re hurting—pave the way for healing and growth for both of you.
Instead of accusatory language, focus on how you felt. “I felt hurt when…” is far more effective (and less likely to escalate things) than “You made me feel…”
Setting Boundaries
Get crystal clear on what you’re willing to discuss and what’s off-limits. Boundaries are crucial. Let your ex know what you expect in terms of future contact.
Then, stick to those boundaries. Be firm. Be consistent. This protects you from further hurt and manipulation.
And if your ex is still abusing power, showing harmful traits, or generally being toxic? Disengage completely. Your mental health is non-negotiable.
Focus on Closure, Not Reconciliation (Unless That’s Your Goal & It’s Healthy)
What do you really want from this interaction? Understanding? Closure? Or are you secretly hoping for a reconciliation?
Before you respond, ask yourself if your ex’s actions even warrant a response. Sometimes, the best move is to simply let it go.
And be careful not to fall back into old, unhealthy patterns. A mature response is rooted in self-respect and ethical behavior. It’s about you taking the high road, regardless of what your ex does.
The art of the message: What to say (and what not to say)
If you decide to communicate with an ex who has hurt you, it’s helpful to think about what you want to say before you say it.
Acknowledging the hurt (if appropriate)
It can be empowering to validate your own feelings by telling your ex how their actions affected you. For example, “I’m writing to you because I felt deeply hurt by [specific action].”
But resist the urge to rehash every single detail of the relationship. Keep it brief.
Seeking understanding (optional)
If you genuinely want to understand why your ex did what they did, you could ask a clarifying question respectfully. For example, “I’m trying to understand why you [specific action].”
Be prepared for a non-answer, though. Your ex may not be willing or able to give you a helpful explanation. Manage your expectations.
The importance of “I” statements
Using “I” statements helps you take ownership of your feelings without blaming your ex. “I felt hurt when…” instead of “You made me feel…”
Focus on your perspective. “I experienced this situation as…”
Setting the stage for future interactions (or lack thereof)
Clearly tell your ex what you need from them moving forward. “I need some space to heal, so I won’t be responding to further messages for a while.”
If you’re ready to move on, be direct. “I wish you well, but I don’t think it’s healthy for us to continue communicating.”
Building value and timing: A strategic approach
If you’re considering taking an ex back after they’ve hurt you, the idea isn’t to just jump back in where you left off. Think of it as a careful, staged re-entry where you’re constantly evaluating the situation and building value.
The value ladder concept
Reconciliation isn’t a single leap; it’s a phased approach, a gradual climb up a “value ladder.” What you do and say during the “no contact” phase is different from the texting phase, which is different from a phone call, and so on. Each stage demands a different strategy for building value.
Building value during no contact
The no-contact period isn’t just about ignoring your ex. It’s about actively working on yourself. It’s a time for:
- Personal growth
- Healing
- Self-improvement
This isn’t passive avoidance; it’s active self-construction.
The texting phase and building value
When you do start texting, ease into conversations. Start with lighter topics, and gradually move into deeper discussions. Think of it as a gentle exploration, not a full-blown interrogation.
Use open-ended questions that encourage “big talk.” These are questions that invite genuine reflection and sharing, not just surface-level answers. For example, instead of asking “How are you?”, try “What’s been occupying your thoughts lately?”
Leveraging psychological principles
Here are a couple psychological principles to consider:
- Zeigarnik Effect: This principle suggests that people remember incomplete or interrupted tasks better than completed ones. End conversations on a high note, leaving your ex wanting more. Don’t drag on a conversation until it fizzles out. Leave them with a positive, memorable interaction.
- The No-Contact Rule: It’s important for them to reach out first after the no-contact rule. This shows initiative and a willingness to put in the effort.
Frequently Asked Questions
How to act around an ex who hurts you after a breakup
Navigating interactions with an ex who has caused you pain post-breakup can be tricky. The best approach is often minimal contact. If you must interact, keep it brief, polite, and focused on the necessity of the situation (like co-parenting). Avoid engaging in emotional conversations or rehashing the past. Maintain strong boundaries; don’t be afraid to politely excuse yourself if the interaction becomes uncomfortable or triggering. Remember, your priority is protecting your emotional well-being.
How to get over an ex that wronged you
Getting over someone who has wronged you involves a multi-pronged approach. First, allow yourself to feel the emotions – anger, sadness, disappointment – without judgment. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself you deserve better. Focus on self-care activities that bring you joy and peace. Distance yourself from your ex – unfollow them on social media and limit contact. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. Finally, shift your focus to the future and set goals for yourself. Forgiveness (for yourself and possibly your ex) can be liberating, but it’s a process, not a requirement. Finding the best last words to an ex can help with forgiveness and moving on.
What to say to an ex that hurts you
Consider if saying anything will truly benefit you. Sometimes, silence is the strongest response. If you feel compelled to speak, keep it concise and focused on your feelings, not accusations. For example, “I’m hurt by what you said/did.” or “I need you to respect my boundaries moving forward.” Avoid getting drawn into arguments or trying to change their behavior. Remember, you can’t control their actions, only your reaction. Walking away is always a valid option if the conversation becomes unproductive or disrespectful.
Putting it all together
Deciding how to respond to an ex who hurt you isn’t always easy. It takes some real soul-searching to figure out what you want and what’s best for you.
Remember to keep your own well-being at the top of your priority list. Protecting your heart and your peace of mind is paramount. Setting clear boundaries and sticking to them is essential.
Sometimes, the strongest response is no response at all. Especially if you’re dealing with abusive or manipulative behavior, silence can be incredibly empowering.
No matter what you decide, focus on healing and moving forward. Think about what you value and what’s important to you. Let your moral compass guide you as you move toward a healthier, happier future. And, if you need help, don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or a therapist. You deserve to heal and thrive.