Finding out the person you love has been lying to you is never easy. It’s especially tough because it involves confronting someone you care about, and trust has been broken.
That’s why you need to choose your words carefully when you’re in this vulnerable position. What’s the goal of your message? Are you looking to express your hurt, understand why it happened, or potentially rebuild trust?
The most important thing is to communicate your feelings honestly and openly. Set clear expectations for the conversation.
In this article, we’ll cover how to acknowledge the lie, express your feelings, seek an explanation, and look toward the future.
Identifying and acknowledging the lie
Okay, so you know he lied. Now what? How do you even begin to address it? Maybe you are wondering, is it a lie or can you tell if someone is lying over text?
Here’s a step-by-step guide.
Specificity is key
Don’t beat around the bush. Be precise. Don’t just say, “You’ve been lying.” Instead, say something like, “When you said you were at Mark’s on Friday night, but Sarah saw you at the movies with Jessica, I felt betrayed.”
It shows that you aren’t just making stuff up, but have real, concrete reasons for your feelings.
If you have proof, calmly present it. This can prevent him from denying it and force him to take responsibility for his actions. But be prepared for him to get defensive, even if you have solid evidence.
Focus on the action, not the person
It’s important to make it clear that you’re not attacking him. You’re addressing his behavior.
Instead of saying, “You’re a liar,” say, “The act of lying hurt me.” This approach is less accusatory and more likely to encourage open communication.
Then, explain exactly how the lie affected you and the relationship. Focus on the consequences of the lie, such as loss of trust or emotional distress. Help him understand the seriousness of what he did.
Expressing your feelings: Honesty and vulnerability
After you’ve taken some time to think, it’s time to talk to your boyfriend. This conversation is going to be difficult, but here’s how to do it right.
Use “I” statements
Take ownership of your emotions. Start your sentences with “I” instead of “you” to frame your feelings and avoid blaming him. Instead of “You made me feel…”, try “I felt…” This encourages him to listen to you without feeling attacked.
Clearly describe how the lie made you feel. Did it make you feel hurt, betrayed, confused, angry? Be specific. It’s important to allow yourself to be vulnerable in this moment.
Avoid accusations and blame
Share your perspective without making assumptions about his intentions. Don’t say “You did this to hurt me.” Instead, focus on the impact his actions had on you, for example, “I felt hurt when I found out, because it made me feel like you don’t trust me.”
Maintain a calm and respectful tone, even if you’re feeling angry. This will make it easier for him to hear and understand what you’re saying. Avoid sarcasm or passive-aggressive language.
Acknowledge your own role (if applicable)
Consider whether your actions or communication style might have contributed to the situation (without excusing the lie). This demonstrates maturity and a willingness to take responsibility, and it can also help him feel less defensive.
However, be careful not to shift blame to yourself or excuse his behavior. The focus should remain on his lie and its impact on you. Only bring this up if you genuinely see an area where you could have communicated better.
Seeking understanding and an explanation
It’s natural to want to understand why your boyfriend lied to you. Here’s how to approach the conversation in a way that encourages honesty and understanding, even if it’s difficult.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Instead of firing off accusations, try to encourage a real dialogue. Ask questions that require more than a simple “yes” or “no” answer.
- “Can you help me understand why you felt the need to lie about this?”
- “What were you hoping to achieve by not being truthful with me?”
Show a genuine curiosity about his perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. This can help him feel safe enough to be honest. But make sure your questions are actually genuine inquiries, not thinly veiled accusations.
Listen Actively and Empathetically
Pay close attention to what he says, both with his words and his body language. Try your best to understand his point of view, even if it’s hard to do.
Resist the urge to interrupt or plan your response while he’s talking. Let him speak fully.
If appropriate, acknowledge his emotions, even if you don’t agree with his actions. For example, you could say, “I understand that you might have been feeling pressured, but…”
Remember, validating his feelings doesn’t mean you condone the lie.
Be Prepared for Different Reactions
He might become defensive, deny the lie altogether, or try to shift the blame onto you or someone else. If this happens, stay calm and reiterate your feelings and perspective. Don’t get drawn into an argument.
Also, be open to the possibility that his motivations weren’t malicious. Maybe he was afraid or insecure. This doesn’t excuse the lie, but it can help you understand it and avoid making assumptions about his intentions.
Discussing the future of the relationship
Once you’ve had a chance to process your feelings, and you’ve clearly communicated your hurt and anger, it’s time to think about what happens next.
Express your needs and expectations
What do you need in order to even consider staying in the relationship? What are your non-negotiables? You may need honesty and transparency moving forward, and you may need him to show that he’s serious about rebuilding trust. Be honest with yourself about what you can and cannot accept.
You’ll also want to set some clear boundaries for what behaviors are unacceptable in the future. How will you prevent future lies? How will you establish respectful communication? Once you set these boundaries, you must be prepared to enforce them. Otherwise, they’re just words.
Consider the possibility of rebuilding trust
Rebuilding trust takes time and effort. Are you willing to invest in that process? It’s OK if you’re not ready to forgive or trust him right away. Be honest with yourself — and with him — about where you stand. It may be that your husband is different around others, and you want to rebuild trust and connection.
What steps can he take to demonstrate his commitment to rebuilding trust? Would you like him to seek therapy or be more transparent about his activities? Would you like to attend couples counseling? What’s realistic for him to do, and what’s realistic for you to expect?
Frequently Asked Questions
What do you say to your partner after lying?
Start by calmly expressing how their dishonesty made you feel. Use “I” statements like, “I felt hurt and betrayed when I learned you weren’t honest with me.” Give them a chance to explain, but also set a clear boundary that honesty is essential for the relationship to move forward. It’s important to differentiate between a small white lie and something that is intended to be harmful.
What do you say to a lying boyfriend?
Be direct and specific. For example, “I know you told me you were working late, but I found out you were out with your friends. I need you to be honest with me about where you’re going and who you’re with. This makes it hard to trust you. How can we work through this?”
How do you respond to a lying partner?
Acknowledge the lie and its impact. Say something like, “I understand you might have had your reasons, but lying creates a distance between us.” Then, focus on rebuilding trust. Ask them what steps they’re willing to take to earn back your trust and be open to hearing their perspective, even if it’s difficult.
How to communicate with a lying partner?
Create a safe space for open and honest communication. Avoid accusatory language and focus on expressing your feelings and needs. Encourage them to be vulnerable and share the reasons behind their dishonesty. If the lying is a recurring issue, consider couples therapy to address the underlying problems and develop healthier communication patterns. Remember, consistent honesty is key to a healthy relationship.
Final Thoughts
Whatever you choose to say, remember to hit the key points: you know about the lie, you’ve explained how it made you feel, you’ve asked for an explanation, and you’ve talked about what this means for the future. It’s important to be clear that you value honesty above all else.
Be as clear as you can about your intentions. If you’re willing to try and rebuild trust, say so. If you need some time apart to think, say that instead. Avoid sending mixed signals.
Remember that honesty is the foundation of any solid relationship. If that foundation is cracked, it can be very difficult to repair. Hopefully, you can move forward toward a more open and fulfilling future, whatever that ends up looking like, especially if you feel like ‘Help! My husband treats others better than me‘.