Breakups are common. In fact, 64% of Americans have been through at least one. If you’ve been through one, you’ve probably asked yourself: Should I call my ex?
The urge to call an ex is often driven by mixed emotions. It’s a tough call, and it’s important to think it through before you pick up the phone.
Reconnecting with an ex can be tricky, especially if it involves physical intimacy; and it all depends on your unique situation, including figuring out what to do after kissing your ex boyfriend. Before you do anything, make sure you’re taking care of yourself and your own emotions.
This article will help you decide whether or not you should call your ex. We’ll walk through reasons to call and reasons not to, offer tips on making the right decision for you, and most importantly, emphasize the need to prioritize your emotional well-being.
Understanding Your Motivations: Why Do You Want to Call?
Before you dial that number, take a moment. Really dig deep and ask yourself why you want to call your ex. The answer to that question is crucial. Some reasons are red flags, others are more nuanced.
Reasons to Avoid Calling Your Ex
- You’re not over the breakup: If you’re still hurting, calling will likely just rip the scab off the wound. It’s a sign you keep checking in on them, which is a signal you’re not ready.
- You’re looking for closure: This is a big one. Closure is a myth perpetuated by rom-coms. You won’t find it in a phone call. Real closure comes from within you, not from another person.
- You want to get back together: Reaching out solely to rekindle the flame is a bad idea if the original issues haven’t been tackled. Remember why you broke up in the first place. Have those problems been resolved? Really?
Valid Reasons for Contacting Your Ex
Okay, not all reasons are bad. Here are some that might be okay, but only if you’re really honest with yourself.
- You want to apologize for the way things ended: A sincere apology can be a powerful step toward healing and personal growth. Even if your ex doesn’t accept it, you’ve done your part. Focus on taking responsibility for your actions.
- You’ve taken some time away from each other: Time heals, right? Sufficient time apart creates emotional distance and perspective. Make sure you’ve both had enough time to process the breakup. This is crucial.
- Make peace with the past: If you both genuinely want to achieve peace and understanding, reconnecting can be positive. But healthy boundaries are a must. Both of you need to be willing to engage in respectful communication. Otherwise, don’t do it.
Self-reflection: Key questions to ask yourself
Before you reach for your phone, take a moment to really think about why you want to call your ex. A little self-reflection can save you a lot of heartache.
Evaluating the relationship and breakup
- What were the reasons you broke up in the first place? Did you argue constantly? Did you want different things out of life? Understanding the core issues will help you decide if getting back together is even possible or healthy.
- How long has it been since the breakup? Time can help you heal and see things more clearly. Rushing back into contact can actually slow down the healing process.
- Was the relationship abusive or unhealthy in any way? If it was, calling your ex is probably not a good idea. Your safety and well-being should always come first.
Assessing your emotional state and intentions
- What do you hope to get out of calling your ex? Are you hoping to get back together? Do you just want to be friends? Are you looking for closure? Be honest with yourself about what you really want.
- Are you in a good place emotionally to handle whatever might happen? Calling an ex can stir up a lot of feelings. Avoid reaching out when you’re feeling vulnerable, lonely, or impulsive.
- Is this an impulse, or have you really thought it through? Take some time to reflect and process your emotions before you pick up the phone. If your gut is telling you not to call, listen to it.
Potential Outcomes: Weighing the Pros and Cons
Before you pick up the phone, it’s a good idea to think about what could happen if you reconnect with your ex. What’s the best thing that could happen? What’s the worst?
Potential Benefits of Reconnecting
- Opportunity for sincere apologies and forgiveness. You may want to apologize for things you did in the relationship. You may want to forgive them for things they did. This kind of conversation can help you both heal.
- Potential for a healthier relationship dynamic in the future. If you’ve both grown and learned from your mistakes, and are considering meeting up with an ex after years, maybe there’s a chance for a healthier relationship.
- Chance to gain closure and understanding. Closure really has to come from within, but sometimes a conversation can offer a little more clarity.
Potential Risks of Reconnecting
- Re-emergence of harmful patterns and behaviors. If the relationship was unhealthy, reconnecting might just bring back those old patterns, preventing you from growing and finding a healthy relationship.
- Emotional distress and setbacks in the healing process. Contacting an ex can rip open old wounds and cause more pain. You might think you’re over it, but talking to them again can bring back all those feelings.
- Unrealistic expectations and disappointment. It’s important to go into this with your eyes open. Manage your expectations and prepare for different reactions. Be respectful and understanding, no matter what happens.
Alternatives to Calling: Managing the Urge
So, you’ve decided calling your ex is a bad idea. But the urge is strong. What do you do?
Distraction and Self-Care Strategies
First, try to keep yourself busy. Seriously. Fill your days with hobbies, activities, anything that can take your mind off your ex. Rediscover old passions or explore new interests. The goal is to boost your mood and keep your thoughts occupied.
Next, prioritize self-care. This means getting enough sleep, eating healthy meals, exercising regularly, and even trying meditation. Taking care of your physical and mental health can significantly reduce the urge to reach out. Self-care promotes emotional stability and resilience, making it easier to resist temptation.
Finally, avoid triggers. Steer clear of people, places, or things that remind you of the relationship. Minimizing exposure to these reminders can help manage cravings. Create a safe and supportive environment for yourself, free from unnecessary emotional challenges.
Seeking Support and Perspective
Talk to a trusted friend or family member. Sharing your feelings with someone who understands can provide invaluable emotional support. They can also offer an objective perspective on the situation, helping you see things more clearly.
Consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. Therapy can provide you with valuable tools for managing your emotions and making healthy decisions. Online therapy can be a convenient and accessible option if you’re short on time or prefer the comfort of your own home.
Limiting Contact and Boundaries
If necessary, block your ex on social media and on your phone. Setting clear boundaries is crucial for protecting your emotional well-being. Removing temptation can help you move on and prevent you from impulsively reaching out.
Most importantly, put yourself first. Focus on your own healing and growth after the breakup. Prioritize your needs and well-being above all else. This is your time to rediscover yourself and build a brighter future.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is contacting your ex a good idea?
That’s a tough one. It really depends on the reasons why you want to contact them. If it’s to genuinely apologize for something or to return something of theirs, that might be okay. But if it’s driven by loneliness, a desire to rekindle the relationship when it’s clearly over, or to start an argument, then it’s probably not a good idea and will set back your healing.
Is it good to call your ex?
Calling is definitely more intense than texting or emailing, especially if you have a long emotional message to send your ex. Think carefully about whether a phone call is necessary. Sometimes a text message can convey the same information without the pressure of a real-time conversation. If you’re feeling emotionally vulnerable, a phone call could lead to saying things you regret.
How long should I wait before calling my ex?
A good rule of thumb is to wait at least a month, maybe even longer, especially if the breakup was recent or messy. This gives you both time to process your emotions and gain some perspective. The longer you wait, the clearer your head will be, and the more rational your decision to reach out (or not) will be.
Is it normal to want to call your ex?
Absolutely. It’s completely normal to miss someone you were once close to, especially in moments of loneliness or when something significant happens in your life. Those feelings are valid, but it doesn’t automatically mean calling them is the right thing to do. Acknowledge the feeling, but then ask yourself why you feel that way and if reaching out will truly make things better.
The bottom line
Before you reach out to your ex, take a deep breath and really think about why you want to contact them. What’s motivating you? Is it truly in your best interest?
Reconnecting could be great. Maybe you can build a friendship, get back together, or at least have a healthier relationship. But, it could also be harmful if it drags you back into old, unhealthy patterns that prevent you from moving forward.
Your emotional well-being is the most important thing here. Don’t let a fleeting impulse derail your healing process. It’s okay to ask for help from friends, family, or a therapist to process your feelings. Breakups are tough.
Ultimately, the decision is yours. But, make sure it’s one that supports your healing and helps you grow. Focus on yourself, and remember that moving on takes time. Be kind to yourself during the process.