Should I Get Back With My Ex? 7 Questions to Ask Yourself

After a breakup, many people find themselves wondering if they should try to recapture the magic. It’s tempting to go back to what you know, to the familiar comfort of someone you’ve already shared a connection with. Breakups leave you feeling vulnerable, and the idea of sliding back into a comfortable, pre-existing relationship can seem incredibly appealing.

We’ve all seen the movies and TV shows where the couple that was “meant to be” finds their way back to each other. But real life isn’t a rom-com. So, the question is: should I get back with my ex who dumped me?

The truth is, there’s no easy answer. It really depends on your specific situation, your history together, and why you broke up in the first place.

In this article, we’ll explore some situations where getting back together might actually work, and other situations where it’s probably a bad idea. We’ll also go over some practical steps you can take to figure out what’s right for you. And, we’ll discuss when contacting an ex is a definite “no-no,” and what you should do instead to move forward.

Red Flags: When Reconciliation is a Risky Proposition

Sometimes, as much as you might want to get back together with an ex, it’s just not a good idea. Here are some red flags that should give you pause.

Deal-breakers That Should Give You Pause

• Abuse in Any Form: This should be an absolute dealbreaker. Abuse can take many forms, and none of them are okay. Physical abuse is easy to spot, but verbal or emotional abuse can be harder to recognize. Emotional abuse can look like a pattern of abusive words and bullying behaviors that undermine your self-esteem and mental health. These behaviors are often deeply ingrained and hard to change.
• Infidelity: Can you ever really rebuild trust after infidelity? It’s possible, but it’s also difficult. Even with sincere efforts to repair the relationship, resentment and insecurity can linger.
• Addiction: If your ex is struggling with addiction, reconciliation is complicated. It can work, but it requires your ex’s commitment to recovery and your ongoing support.
• Gaslighting and Manipulation: These behaviors erode your self-worth and create an unhealthy power dynamic. These patterns are difficult to break without professional help.

Recurring Patterns of Dysfunction

• Commitment Issues: If either of you consistently struggles with commitment, reconciliation is unlikely to work. Fear of intimacy and difficulty with long-term planning can sabotage the relationship.
• Repeated On-Again, Off-Again Cycles: These relationships can negatively impact your mental health. The instability and emotional turmoil associated with constant breakups and reconciliations take a toll.

Ultimately, if you see these red flags, it’s probably best to move on. As hard as it may be, you deserve a healthy and stable relationship.

Proceed with caution

Before you jump back into the arms of your ex, there are some things you really need to think about. Getting back together isn’t always a bad idea, but you need to make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons.

The role of timing and life circumstances

Sometimes, relationships end because of external factors that are beyond anyone’s control. Maybe distance made things too difficult, or career demands pulled you in different directions. Family issues can also put a strain on even the strongest relationships.

If these external factors have changed, it might be possible to get back together. But only after you’ve really thought about it and evaluated the situation. Did you both use the time apart to grow as individuals? Did you improve your communication skills? Do you have a better understanding of what you each need in a relationship? These things are crucial for a successful reunion.

Assessing your motivations

Let’s be real: fear of being alone is never a good reason to get back with an ex. Settling for someone just because you’re afraid of being single is a recipe for unhappiness. You deserve someone who makes you feel loved, cherished, and fulfilled, not just someone who fills a void.

The same goes for boredom or convenience. Getting back together because you’re bored or because it’s easier than finding someone new is a terrible idea. These motivations lack the genuine desire and effort needed to build a lasting, meaningful relationship.

The sunk cost fallacy

Have you ever heard of the sunk cost fallacy? It’s basically the idea that you keep investing in something just because you’ve already put so much time, money, or effort into it, even if it’s not working. Think of it like this: you buy a ticket to a concert, but on the day of the show, you feel terrible. You might still go to the concert, even though you’d rather stay home and rest, because you don’t want to “waste” the money you spent on the ticket.

This can apply to relationships, too. You might want to get back with an ex because you don’t want to feel like you wasted all the time and emotions you invested in the relationship. You want to see your prior investment “pay off.” But getting back together solely because of this sunk cost fallacy is a mistake. It’s likely to lead to future dissatisfaction and unhappiness. Don’t let the past hold you hostage. Focus on what will make you happy in the future, even if it means letting go of what you’ve already invested.

Green Lights: When Reconciliation Might Be Worth Exploring

So, is there a chance in hell getting back together would actually work? Maybe. Here are some “green lights” to watch for — signs that reconciliation might be worth considering. But proceed with caution, and only if you see all of these signs.

Mutual Recognition of Past Mistakes

This is the big one. If you want a shot at a healthy relationship, both of you need to recognize what went wrong. That means:

• Acknowledging Responsibility: No finger-pointing. Both of you have to own your part in the breakup. This isn’t about saying, “Well, you did this, but I did that.” It’s about a genuine willingness to admit fault and learn from the past. If your ex is still blaming you for everything, or you’re still blaming them, it’s a no-go.
• Open Communication: You need to be able to talk, really talk. That means creating a safe space where both of you can express your feelings and concerns without judgment or defensiveness. If you can’t communicate honestly and openly, you’re doomed to repeat the same mistakes.

Demonstrable Changes in Behavior

Words are cheap. Anyone can say they’ve changed. What you need to see is proof. Look for:

• Evidence of Growth: Has your ex actively worked on themselves since the breakup? Did they start therapy? Did they address unhealthy habits? Did they develop new coping mechanisms? These are all good signs. Vague promises to be different don’t count. You need to see concrete evidence of positive change.
• Willingness to Improve: Getting back together is not the end of the work. It’s just the beginning. Both of you need to be willing to actively work on improving the relationship dynamics. That might mean couples therapy, communication workshops, or simply making a conscious effort to be more supportive and understanding.

Shared Vision for the Future

Even if you’ve both grown and learned from your mistakes, getting back together won’t work if you’re not on the same page about the future. Consider:

• Aligning Goals: Do you and your ex share a compatible vision for the future? Do you agree on major life goals, such as career aspirations, family plans, and lifestyle preferences? If you’re fundamentally incompatible, getting back together is just setting yourself up for more heartbreak.
• Mutual Commitment: This is non-negotiable. Both of you have to be fully committed to making the relationship work. A half-hearted attempt is almost guaranteed to fail and will only lead to further pain and disappointment. If either of you is hesitant or unsure, it’s better to walk away.

The No Contact Rule and Alternatives

So, you’re thinking about reaching out. Maybe you should pause and consider the “No Contact” rule.

Understanding the No Contact Rule

The No Contact rule is exactly what it sounds like: a period where you completely cut off all communication with your ex. No texts, no calls, no DMs on Instagram, no accidental “liking” of their posts, and definitely no showing up where you know they’ll be.

Why? Because it gives both of you space to heal, gain some perspective, and detach emotionally. It’s like hitting the reset button. More importantly, it keeps you from inflicting further emotional damage on yourself, and it allows you to truly figure out how you feel, without your ex’s influence clouding your judgment.

Alternatives to Bombarding Your Ex With Texts

Instead of fixating on your ex, put that energy into yourself. Focus on self-improvement, healing, and personal growth. Now is the time to dive headfirst into hobbies you’ve been neglecting, reconnect with friends and family, and maybe even consider talking to a therapist. Investing in yourself is never a waste of time.

I know it’s tough, but sometimes the best path to reconciliation is…no path at all. “Organic opportunities” – like your ex reaching out first or a genuinely random encounter – often provide the best chance for getting back together. It’s better than actively pursuing them. Let things unfold naturally, if they’re meant to.

What To Do If Your Ex Contacts You

Okay, they broke the silence. Now what? Pump the brakes. Evaluate their intentions. Are they genuinely interested in reconciling, or are they just feeling lonely or curious? Try to read between the lines (but don’t overthink it!).

Even if they seem sincere, proceed with caution. Don’t rush back into the relationship. Take your time, communicate openly, and make sure you’re both on the same page before taking any big steps.

Actionable Steps: Evaluating the Potential for Reconciliation

So, you’re thinking about getting back together with your ex, huh? It’s a big decision, and not one to take lightly. Before you jump back in, let’s break down some steps you can take to figure out if reconciliation is really the right move.

Self-Reflection and Introspection

First, take some time for yourself. Seriously. No contacting your ex, no stalking their social media. Just you, your thoughts, and maybe a journal (or a very long walk). Ask yourself some tough questions:

• What do I really need in a relationship? Not just what you want, but what you need to feel happy, secure, and fulfilled. Are those needs being met by the idea of your ex, or by the reality of them? Are there fundamental incompatibilities that will always be there?
• Why did we break up in the first place? Be brutally honest. Don’t sugarcoat it, don’t minimize it. What were the underlying issues? Are they resolvable? Have you both grown and changed enough to actually address them this time around?

Honest Communication (If and When Appropriate)

Okay, you’ve done some soul-searching. Now, if you feel ready (and only if you feel ready), it might be time to talk to your ex. But approach this with caution and intention. The goal isn’t to win them back immediately, but to understand where they’re at and express yourself clearly.

• Express your feelings openly and honestly. But avoid blaming or accusatory language. Instead of saying “You always did X,” try “I felt Y when X happened.” Focus on your experience.
• Listen, really listen, to your ex’s perspective. Try to understand their point of view, even if you don’t agree with it. Empathy is key here. What are their concerns? What needs do they have that weren’t being met?

Seeking Professional Guidance

Sometimes, navigating these complex emotions and conversations is best done with a professional. Consider these options:

• Couples therapy: A therapist can provide a neutral and objective space for both of you to explore your feelings, improve communication skills, and work towards resolution. It’s not just for “fixing” things; it’s about gaining a deeper understanding of yourselves and each other.
• Individual therapy: Even if you decide not to get back together, individual therapy can help you process your emotions, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and make informed decisions about your future relationships. It’s an investment in yourself, regardless of the outcome with your ex.

Frequently Asked Questions

In closing

Deciding whether to get back together with an ex who dumped you is a tough decision, and it’s one you have to make for yourself. But remember, the most important thing is your own well-being and happiness.

Reconciliation shouldn’t come at the expense of your self-respect or mental health. If getting back together means sacrificing yourself, it’s probably not the right choice.

Weigh the pros and cons carefully, trust your gut, and prioritize your long-term happiness. There isn’t a right or wrong answer, but there is an answer that’s right for you.