Let’s face it: Guys aren’t exactly encouraged to wear their hearts on their sleeves. Society often expects men to be stoic and strong, which means that the pain they feel after a breakup can be a lot less visible than, say, a woman going through the same thing. Men often face pressure to act like they’re totally fine, even when they’re secretly hurting.
So, how can you tell if a guy is actually struggling after a split, even if he’s trying to put on a brave face? That’s what this article is all about. We’re going to explore the subtle and not-so-subtle signs that a man is hurting after the breakup, even if he’s doing his best to hide it. Understanding these signs of hurt can help you be more empathetic and give you a better understanding of the male emotional experience.
We’ll be looking at things like changes in his behavior, how he expresses (or doesn’t express) his emotions, and the coping mechanisms he might be using. Some guys might withdraw completely, while others might jump into rebound relationships or even engage in self-destructive behavior. The important thing is to understand that recognizing these signs doesn’t necessarily mean you want to get back together. It’s more about gaining a better understanding of human emotions and what happens after a relationship ends. This will help you read the signs he is hurting after the break up.
The stages of grief and heartbreak in men
Men, just like women, experience the end of a relationship as a loss. Losing a romantic relationship can lead to feelings of sadness, grief, and even depression, according to research published in PLOS ONE.
While everyone grieves differently, many people move through five distinct stages, as explained by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and grief expert David Kessler. Here’s how those stages might look for a man dealing with heartbreak:
Denial and disbelief
Initially, a man might feel shock and resist accepting that the breakup is really happening. He might try to downplay the significance of the split or act as if nothing has changed. As Kübler-Ross and Kessler explain, “Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.”
Anger and resentment
Feelings of frustration, bitterness, and blame can be directed toward an ex-partner or himself. This anger might show up as irritability, sarcasm, or even aggressive behavior.
Bargaining and negotiation
He might try to reconcile or negotiate terms for getting back together. This stage may involve promises of change or efforts to convince his ex-partner to reconsider their decision.
Depression and emotional pain
Feelings of sadness, loneliness, and hopelessness can set in. A man might lose interest in activities he once enjoyed, experience changes in sleep patterns, and have difficulty concentrating.
Acceptance and moving forward
Gradually, he’ll accept the breakup and start to focus on rebuilding his life. As Kübler-Ross and Kessler put it, “Acceptance is about recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality.”
Attachment styles and breakup behavior
How a person responds to a breakup often depends on their attachment style. Attachment theory suggests that the way we form relationships as adults is rooted in the relationships we had with our primary caregivers as children. Here’s how different attachment styles might respond to a breakup:
Secure attachment
People with a secure attachment style tend to handle breakups in a balanced and healthy way. They’re comfortable expressing their emotions and seeking support from others. They may feel sad, but they’re able to process those feelings and move on.
Anxious attachment
Those with an anxious attachment style may feel very anxious and insecure after a breakup. They might text or call their ex excessively, or try to win them back. They may struggle with feelings of abandonment and fear of being alone.
Avoidant attachment
People with an avoidant attachment style often suppress their emotions and distance themselves from the pain of the breakup. They may seem detached or indifferent, but this is often a defense mechanism to avoid vulnerability. As Amir Levine and Rachel Heller put it in their book, Attached, “avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.”
Overt signs: Behaviors that clearly indicate he’s hurting
Sometimes, a guy will wear his heart on his sleeve. Here are some fairly obvious signs he’s struggling after a breakup:
Increased contact attempts
Does he keep calling, texting, or emailing you?
He calls to check on you
If he’s frequently calling or texting under the guise of “just checking in,” it’s a good sign he’s having a hard time letting go. He may be trying to keep the connection alive, even if it’s just through small talk.
He tries to maintain contact or seek closure
He might invent reasons to communicate, like asking about shared belongings or seeking explanations for the breakup. He’s trying to find a way to stay in your orbit.
But a study in Personal Relationships showed that staying in contact with an ex often delays emotional recovery and prolongs the healing process. So, while it might feel good in the moment, it’s not helping him—or you—in the long run.
Self-destructive behaviors
Breakups can be tough on a guy’s self-esteem. If he’s not coping well, it might manifest in self-destructive behaviors.
He stops taking care of himself
Neglecting hygiene, diet, and exercise routines can signal depression and a lack of self-worth. If he’s stopped showering, eating well, or working out, it’s a sign he’s not prioritizing his well-being.
He drinks and/or does drugs
Substance abuse is a common, albeit unhealthy, coping mechanism for dealing with emotional pain. He might be trying to numb the pain with alcohol or drugs.
He engages in other self-destructive or unhealthy behaviors
This can include excessive drinking, reckless driving, or engaging in risky sexual encounters. He might be acting out as a way to feel something, anything, other than the pain.
Public displays and reactions
A breakup can bring out the worst in people. If he’s hurting, he might lash out in public ways.
He trash talks you
Spreading negative rumors or making disparaging remarks about you is a sign of insecurity and an attempt to deflect his own pain. He’s trying to make himself feel better by putting you down.
He displays signs of jealousy or possessiveness
He may become agitated or upset if he sees you with someone else, indicating that he still has feelings for you. He might be struggling with the idea of you moving on without him.
He makes grand gestures to win you back
Extravagant displays of affection or attempts to impress you may be a sign of desperation and a desire to salvage the relationship. He’s trying to prove that he’s worthy of your love.
Sudden lifestyle changes
A breakup can be a catalyst for change. But sometimes, those changes are a sign of deeper pain.
He dates everyone in sight
Engaging in casual relationships or “rebound dating” can be an attempt to distract himself from the pain and prove his desirability. He’s trying to fill the void with new people, even if it’s just temporary.
He dates the exact opposite of you
Seeking out someone with contrasting qualities might be a way to rebel against the relationship and explore new experiences. He’s trying to find something different, something that reminds him less of you.
He makes sudden lifestyle changes
Quitting a job, moving to a new city, or drastically altering his appearance can indicate a desire to escape the pain and reinvent himself. He’s trying to outrun the memories and start fresh.
Subtle signs: Less obvious indicators of emotional distress
It’s not always easy to tell if a guy is hurting after a breakup. Men aren’t always the best at verbalizing their feelings, and they may try to hide their pain to appear strong. Still, there are subtle clues you can look for that may reveal his true emotional state.
Social withdrawal and isolation
He withdraws from social interactions
If he’s suddenly avoiding his friends, family, and social gatherings, it could be a sign that he’s struggling to cope with the breakup and prefers to be alone. Social withdrawal is a common reaction after a separation, especially among men, as a way to reflect and manage their emotions, according to research in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence.
Changes in communication patterns
He exhibits changes in communication patterns
Has he become unusually quiet, distant, or sarcastic? This can indicate that he’s emotionally withdrawn and struggling to express his feelings. He might be trying to protect himself from further hurt by shutting down emotionally.
Nostalgia and reminiscing
He becomes nostalgic about the relationship
Sharing old photos, reminiscing about happy memories, or expressing regret about the breakup can be signs that he’s still emotionally attached and struggling to let go. It’s common to reminisce about past relationships to maintain a sense of self and continuity, according to studies highlighted in The Happy Mind: Cognitive Contributions to Well-Being. We also tend to idealize our partners in relationships, which can make us feel nostalgic and remember our exes as better than they really were after things have ended, according to research in the Journal of Family Theory & Review.
Physical and emotional symptoms
He experiences physical symptoms of stress
Headaches, stomach problems, fatigue, and changes in sleep patterns can all be physical manifestations of emotional distress. The mind-body connection is strong, and emotional pain can often manifest as physical symptoms.
He exhibits signs of depression or emotional instability
Mood swings, irritability, difficulty concentrating, and feelings of hopelessness can be signs of depression or other emotional disorders. If you notice these signs, it’s important to encourage him to seek professional help.
Seeking support in unexpected places
He seeks support from unexpected sources
Reaching out to old friends, therapists, or support groups can indicate that he’s struggling to cope on his own and needs help processing his emotions. Seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness, and it shows that he’s taking steps to heal.
He seeks therapy
Seeking professional help is a positive sign that he is taking steps to heal and address his emotional pain. A therapist can provide him with the tools and support he needs to navigate his emotions and move forward.
Understanding the “Hot and Cold” Behavior
Breakups are messy, and sometimes that messiness manifests as “hot and cold” behavior. One minute he’s all over you, texting sweet nothings and reminiscing about the good times. The next, he’s distant, cold, and acts like you barely know each other.
What gives? This mixed-signal madness is often the result of conflicting emotions battling it out inside him. He might still have strong feelings for you (love, attraction, longing), but he’s also dealing with resentment, anger, hurt, and the need to move on. These conflicting emotions lead to erratic actions – a push-pull dynamic that can drive you crazy.
It’s crucial to remember that this behavior usually stems from his own internal struggle and confusion, not necessarily from a calculated attempt to manipulate you. While it’s tempting to analyze every text and interaction, try not to overthink it. This hot and cold rollercoaster is usually a sign that he’s hurting, even if he doesn’t know how to process it or express it in a healthy way.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you know if a guy is hurting after a breakup?
It can be tricky to tell, as guys often mask their emotions differently than women. Look for subtle cues like increased social media activity (especially posting “happy” pictures to overcompensate), changes in his appearance (either neglecting himself or trying too hard), or hearing from mutual friends that he’s been talking about you or acting out of character.
How do men act when they are hurt?
Men may withdraw and become less communicative, throwing themselves into work or hobbies to distract themselves. Some might become more aggressive or irritable, while others might try to numb the pain with alcohol or other substances. It’s also common for men to try and suppress their feelings altogether, which can manifest in other unhealthy ways.
How to know if an ex is hurting?
Pay attention to his behavior from a distance. Is he constantly liking your social media posts or viewing your stories? Is he reaching out to mutual friends to ask about you? Is he suddenly posting cryptic or emotional messages online? These could be signs that he’s still processing the breakup and struggling with the pain. However, it’s important not to read too much into it and respect his space, regardless of his actions.
In Closing
It’s important to remember that men feel pain after a breakup, even if they don’t always show it in the way we might expect. Societal norms often tell men they need to be strong and hide any vulnerability, which can make it hard to see how they’re really feeling.
The signs he’s hurting can be obvious, like isolating himself or acting out. But sometimes, they’re more subtle, like throwing himself into work or constantly trying to prove how happy he is. It’s all about shifts in his behavior, how he expresses (or doesn’t express) his emotions, and the ways he’s trying to cope.
Approaching the situation with empathy is key, but remember that your own well-being comes first. Acknowledging his pain doesn’t mean you have to get back together. It’s about understanding that breakups are hard for everyone, regardless of gender.
Ultimately, breakups, as difficult as they are, can be opportunities for growth. Both of you can use this time for self-reflection, personal development, and building healthier relationships down the road. It’s a chance to learn more about yourselves and what you truly need in life.