What to Say When He Comes Back After No Contact: Guide

“No contact” is a strategy that people sometimes use after a breakup. The idea is that you both need time apart to heal and get some perspective. It helps you break unhealthy patterns and gives you space to recover emotionally. But what happens when your ex reaches out after a period of no contact?

It’s complicated, right? On the one hand, you might feel a surge of hope. On the other, you’re probably also dealing with anxiety and confusion. Is this a good thing? Are they serious this time? Should you even respond?

This article is all about navigating that tricky situation. We’re going to give you some guidance on what to say (and, just as importantly, what not to say) when he comes back after no contact. We’ll focus on healthy communication and keeping your expectations realistic.

We’ll cover a few key things: how to assess the situation, how to choose the right words, how to manage your expectations, and how to move forward, no matter what happens. Because, let’s face it, there’s no guarantee of a happy ending.

The most important thing is to be honest with yourself and make sure you’re emotionally ready before you even think about responding. Are you really in a place where you can handle this? Take some time to figure that out first.

Assessing the Situation: Is Contact Even Desirable?

So, he’s back. Before you even think about crafting the perfect text or rehearsing a witty opening line, take a breath. Seriously. This is about you now, not him. Did you even want him to come back?

The Importance of Self-Reflection

First, be brutally honest with yourself: Have you really healed from the breakup? I’m not talking about just going through the motions. Have you processed the emotions, learned from the experience, and moved forward? A 2018 study says that most people start feeling significantly better about three weeks after a breakup. But, that’s just an average. Don’t rush yourself.

Have you figured out why the relationship ended? A 2017 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that understanding the reasons behind a breakup leads to easier acceptance. Have you identified your role in it? Have you addressed any personal issues that might have contributed to the split?

Evaluating the Past Relationship

Now, think back to the relationship itself. Was it healthy? Respectful? Did it bring out the best in both of you? Or were there patterns of dysfunction, disrespect, or even abuse?

Sometimes, the best response to an ex reaching out is… silence. Especially if the relationship was toxic or abusive. Don’t romanticize the past. It’s easy to fall into the trap of “rose-tinted spectacles,” remembering only the good times and forgetting the bad. As wellness coach and narcissistic abuse recovery expert, Rachel Wall, wisely points out, resist the urge to rewrite history. Was the relationship actually good, or are you just lonely?

Seriously consider whether answering that text or call is worth the risk of re-entering a potentially unhealthy dynamic. Your well-being is paramount.

Understanding Their Return: Why Are They Reaching Out?

So, they’re back. After weeks, months, maybe even years of silence, they’re suddenly popping up in your DMs or sending a carefully worded text – but is he waiting for you to text him first? Before you get swept away in a tide of emotions, it’s crucial to understand why they’re reaching out. What’s their motivation?

Possible Motivations

Honestly, it could be anything. Maybe they:

• Geninuely want to reconcile.
• Are bored or curious.
• Are lonely and need validation.
• Are feeling regretful or guilty.
• Haven’t moved on, either.

The key here is not to assume anything. Resist the urge to immediately jump to the “happily ever after” scenario you might have been secretly dreaming of.

Recognizing Red Flags

While it’s tempting to believe they’ve changed, it’s vital to be realistic and look for potential red flags. Ask yourself:

• Are they taking responsibility for their past actions? If they’re still blaming you or minimizing their role in the breakup, that’s a problem.
• Are they being manipulative or emotionally demanding? Are they trying to guilt you into seeing them or pressuring you for a quick reunion?
• Are they respecting your boundaries? If you’ve said you need time or space, are they honoring that, or are they constantly pushing to get closer?

The Importance of Detachment

This is where emotional detachment comes in. It’s not about being cold or uncaring, but about protecting yourself from getting hurt. Avoid jumping to conclusions, and don’t invest too much emotional energy into figuring them out. Maintain a balanced perspective and focus on your own well-being. Their reasons for returning are ultimately about them, not you. Keeping a healthy distance will allow you to assess the situation more clearly and make decisions that are right for you, regardless of their intentions.

Crafting your response: General principles

So, he’s back. What do you say? Take a deep breath. You don’t have to answer right away. Here are a few things to keep in mind before you respond:

Prioritize your emotional well-being

Only respond if you feel emotionally ready. If you feel overwhelmed or anxious, take some time to process your feelings before you respond. Don’t let anyone pressure you into answering before you’re ready.

Set boundaries

Clearly communicate what you expect. If you don’t want to talk about certain topics, say so. Be prepared to stop the conversation if the other person doesn’t respect your boundaries.

Choose the right medium

Think about how you usually communicate. Do you normally text, call, or meet in person? Each method has its pros and cons.

• Text: Good for quick check-ins, but can be misinterpreted.
• Phone call: More personal, but can be intense.
• In-person: Best for serious conversations, but requires more planning.

If you start with a text, consider moving to a phone call if things go well, but what if your ex texts you but doesn’t want to see you?

Keep it concise and focused

Avoid long, rambling explanations or emotional outbursts. Stick to the main points and don’t get sidetracked. This isn’t the time to rehash every issue from the past.

Maintain a calm and respectful tone

Even if you’re feeling hurt or angry, avoid accusatory language. Focus on expressing your feelings and needs clearly and respectfully. “I feel X when you do Y” is a good way to start.

Specific Scenarios and What to Say

So, he’s broken the no contact rule. Now what? It’s important to remember your goals and boundaries as you decide how to respond. Here are a few common scenarios and some suggestions for how to handle them:

The “Catching Up” Text

Example: “Hey [Name], it’s [Your Name]. How have you been?”

Your Response: Keep it brief and polite. You want to gauge his interest in further conversation without revealing too much about your personal life. This is a test. Don’t overshare.

Example: “I’m doing well, thanks for asking. Things have been busy. How about you?”

The Apology Text

Example: “I wanted to apologize for [specific action] during our relationship.”

Your Response: Acknowledge the apology, express how his actions made you feel, and set boundaries for future interactions. This shows you’re willing to hear him but also that you’re not a doormat.

Example: “Thank you for the apology. It means a lot to me. I still need some space, but I appreciate you reaching out.”

The “I Miss You” Text

Example: “I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.”

Your Response: Be honest about your feelings, but avoid giving false hope if you’re not interested in getting back together. This requires brutal honesty with yourself. Are you really ready to revisit this relationship?

• If interested: “I’ve missed you too. It’s been a complex time. I’m open to talking more about this.”
• If not interested: “I appreciate you saying that, but I’m not sure if getting back together is the right thing for us.”

The “Let’s Meet Up” Request

Your Response: Assess your comfort level. If you’re hesitant, suggest an alternative, like a phone call first. Set clear expectations for the meeting before it happens. Don’t let him assume anything.

• Agreeing: “I’m open to that. Let’s grab coffee next week and see how it goes.”
• Hesitant: “I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet. Would you be open to a phone call first?”

The “Elephant in the Room” Approach

This is a longer game, and it suggests he’s willing to take accountability. Acknowledge past issues without placing blame, and focus on understanding and moving forward. This requires maturity from both of you.

Example: “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about our relationship and the things that went wrong. I’d be open to discussing it if you are.”

What NOT to say: Avoiding common pitfalls

So, he’s reached out. Before you type a response, take a deep breath. Now, let’s talk about what not to say. These are common mistakes, and avoiding them can make all the difference in how this interaction plays out.

• Don’t blame or accuse. Resist the urge to unleash pent-up frustration. Instead of “You abandoned me!” try to focus on your experience: “I felt really hurt when we stopped talking.”
• Don’t beg or plead. This undermines your position and can make you appear desperate. Maintain your self-respect. No one is attracted to desperation.
• Avoid ultimatums or threats. “If you ever do this again…” or “If you don’t commit now…” These are manipulative and rarely work in the long run. Healthy relationships aren’t built on threats.
• Don’t overshare or vent. This isn’t the time to unload every single emotion you’ve felt since the no-contact period began. Keep the conversation focused and concise. You’re not writing a novel; you’re opening a dialogue.
• Don’t make assumptions about their feelings. Just because he reached out doesn’t automatically mean he wants to get back together. Ask clarifying questions instead of jumping to conclusions. “What made you decide to reach out now?” is a much better approach than “So, you miss me?”

The dangers of the “I want you back” text

In general, sending a text that bluntly states “I want you back” is not recommended, unless very specific conditions are met. What are those conditions? Well, if you two parted amicably and the no-contact rule was simply about giving each other space to process things, then maybe. But even then, proceed with extreme caution.

More often than not, an “I want you back” text comes across as desperate and undermines any sense of strength or independence you’ve cultivated during the no-contact period.

Managing expectations: Preparing for different outcomes

It’s important to remember that after you reach out, you can’t control how he’ll respond. You can only control your own actions and what you say.

There are several possible outcomes, including: But what if your ex is ignoring you?

• A positive response: He’s open to talking and maybe even getting back together.
• A neutral response: He’s polite, but doesn’t commit to anything.
• A negative response: He rejects you outright.
• No response: He says nothing at all.

Preparing for rejection

It’s hard to hear, but you need to be ready for him to reject you. Rejection stings, and it’s okay to feel disappointed. But don’t let it derail you. Focus on taking care of yourself and moving forward. His rejection doesn’t define you or your worth.

Statistics on exes getting back together

The website Ex Back Permanently surveyed over 3,000 people and found that only 30% of exes ever get back together. I’ve also surveyed my clients over the years, and nearly 70% of those who successfully rekindled a relationship said that both partners had improved themselves in some significant way.

So, while it’s possible to get back together, it’s not a guarantee. And even if you do, both of you will need to put in the work to make it last.

Frequently Asked Questions

In Closing

The most important thing to remember if he comes back after no contact is to prioritize yourself. This is true whether you decide to reconcile or not. Take care of yourself by doing things that bring you joy and fulfillment. Lean on your friends and family for support, and consider talking to a therapist if you’re struggling.

Continue your personal growth journey. Focus on becoming the best version of yourself, independent of him. Don’t dwell on what could have been, and keep your expectations realistic about the future. Embrace new experiences and be open to new relationships, even if you’re considering getting back together.

Healing takes time, and it’s okay to have setbacks. Be patient with yourself and celebrate your progress. Ultimately, what matters most is your own happiness and growth, regardless of what your ex decides to do. Focus on building a fulfilling life for yourself, and you’ll be in a much better place to make any decisions about the future.