Text Your Ex After a Long Time: Is it the Right Move?

Texting your ex after a long time apart can be exciting, scary, or both. It’s a big decision that needs thought, honesty, and realistic expectations. It’s never been easier to contact an old flame, but is it a good idea?

This article will help you decide if you should text your ex, what to say (and not say), and how to handle the situation. We’ll cover the when, why, and how, and hopefully, you’ll be able to make an informed choice, and if you decide to go for it, you can feel confident and prepared.

Before you send that text, you need to be honest with yourself about why you want to reach out. Have you truly healed from the breakup? Are you okay with the fact that you can’t control how they’ll respond?

As Mike Tyson said, “Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” Reconnecting with an ex can be like that. You might have an idea of how things will go, but be prepared for anything.

To Text or Not To Text: Weighing the Pros and Cons

So, should you text your ex or shouldn’t you? It’s a big question, and the answer really depends on your situation. There are definitely potential upsides, but also some serious risks to consider.

The Potential Benefits of Reaching Out

Think about what you hope to get out of texting your ex. Is it:

• Rekindling a Connection? Texting can be a low-stakes way to see if there’s still a spark. Maybe you both have grown and changed, and a healthier relationship is possible. Some studies even suggest that many couples who get back together report that things are better the second time around.
• Seeking Closure? Sometimes, texting can help you address unresolved issues, though you can get closure with an ex without contact as well, even if you don’t want to get back together. I once worked with a client, David B., who finally understood why his relationship ended after sending a simple text to his ex. It helped him move on.

The Potential Drawbacks and Risks

Before you hit send, think about the potential downsides:

• Re-opening Old Wounds: Reaching out can bring back painful memories and emotions. Wellness coach Rachel Wall often tells her clients that time apart can make you forget the bad times, leading to a “rose-tinted glasses” effect.
• Unrealistic Expectations and Disappointment: If you’re hoping for a specific outcome, like getting back together, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. I’ve been there! I once texted an ex hoping for a reconciliation, and it just led to more heartbreak when he didn’t feel the same way.
• Potential for Manipulation or Toxicity: If your ex was toxic, reconnecting could drag you back into unhealthy patterns. It’s super important to be aware of any red flags and protect your emotional well-being.

Are you ready to text your ex?

Before you even think about crafting that text message, ask yourself: Am I really ready for this?

The healing process

Experts often recommend a period of no contact after a breakup. It can be tough, but it gives you the space to detach emotionally, process everything that happened, and, most importantly, focus on you.

If you’re still feeling intensely angry, sad, or completely obsessed with your ex, that’s a big red flag. You probably need more time. While a small study suggested that it takes an average of three weeks to start feeling better after a breakup, everyone heals at their own pace. Don’t rush it.

Becoming the best version of yourself

Use this time apart to work on yourself. Seriously. Hit the gym, start therapy, rediscover old hobbies, or chase after new dreams. Focus on your physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

Develop what some people call an “abundance mindset.” Believe in your own worth and in the possibility of finding happiness, whether that’s with your ex or someone else. This confidence is attractive, and it helps you avoid coming across as needy or desperate.

What’s your motivation?

This is the big one. Why really do you want to text your ex? Be brutally honest with yourself. Are you seeking a genuine connection, or are you just feeling lonely, insecure, or desperate for validation?

Your text should come from a place of strength and self-respect, not desperation. Avoid aggressive, needy, or manipulative language. If you find yourself writing something that feels even a little bit “off,” take a step back and re-evaluate. You’re better than that.

Timing is Everything: When to Initiate Contact

So, you’re thinking about texting your ex after a long time. That’s a big step, and it’s important to think about when you’re doing it just as much as what you’re saying.

Sufficient No Contact

Don’t rush into things. Give yourselves both enough time to heal and gain some perspective. There’s no set amount of time for “no contact” – a month, six months, a year – it really depends on how you feel. Make sure you’ve done some healing on your own before you reach out.

External Factors

Think about what’s going on in your ex’s life. Major deadlines at work? Family emergencies? If they’re going through a stressful time, it’s probably not the best moment to text them. You want them to be in a place where they can actually respond thoughtfully.

Avoiding Anniversaries and Holidays

Unless you have a really good reason, avoid texting on anniversaries or holidays. These dates are often emotionally charged, and it’s easy for things to get misconstrued. Unless you’re trying to stir up drama, steer clear of those sensitive times.

Crafting the perfect text: What to say (and what to avoid)

So, you’re ready to reach out to your ex after a long period of silence. Great! But before you start typing, let’s think about what you want to say — and what you definitely don’t want to say.

The “elephant in the room” approach

You might want to start by acknowledging what happened between the two of you. You can briefly mention the breakup or other unresolved issues, but don’t dwell on them and definitely don’t assign blame. This is about showing maturity and a willingness to deal with the past, not rehashing it.

It’s also important to clearly state why you’re reaching out. Do you want to reconnect? Are you looking for closure? Do you just want to say hello? Be honest about your intentions (with yourself and with your ex), but don’t come across as aggressive or needy. Keep it brief, respectful, and free of accusations or demands. Confidence and tact are your friends here.

Examples of effective texts

• The “catching up” text: “Hey [Ex’s Name], it’s [Your Name]. I was just thinking about [shared memory] and wanted to see how you’re doing.” This is a low-pressure way to re-establish contact.
• The “closure” text: “Hi [Ex’s Name], I know things didn’t end well between us. I’ve done a lot of thinking and wanted to apologize for my part in what happened. I hope you’re doing well.” This text focuses on taking responsibility and seeking closure.

Texts to avoid at all costs

• The “I miss you” text: Unless you’re absolutely certain your ex feels the same way, this text can come across as needy and desperate. In general, it’s best to avoid this one, at least initially. Some relationship experts suggest a brief no-contact period before employing this.
• The “guilt trip” text: Trying to manipulate your ex by making them feel guilty or responsible for your unhappiness is never a good idea. Stay away from anything aggressive, needy, or manipulative.
• The “drunk text”: Alcohol lowers your inhibitions and impairs your judgment, which can lead to regrettable messages. Never, ever text your ex when you’re under the influence. Just don’t do it.

Managing Expectations: Be Prepared for Anything (or Nothing)

Okay, you’ve crafted the perfect text. You’ve hit “send.” Now what? The waiting game begins, and it’s crucial to manage your expectations. You’re stepping back into someone’s life after a long absence, and you have no idea what kind of reception you’ll receive. Prepare yourself for any outcome.

Understanding the Spectrum of Possible Reactions

Here’s a look at the possible reactions you might encounter, and how to interpret them:

• Positive Response: Your ex is happy to hear from you! They’re friendly, chatty, and seem open to reconnecting. But before you jump the gun, read about how to ask your ex to hang out over text. This is the best-case scenario, but don’t get carried away. It doesn’t automatically mean you’re getting back together.
• Neutral Response: You get a reply, but it’s brief and noncommittal. Something like, “Okay, good to hear from you” or “Thanks for reaching out.” This could mean they’re not interested, or that they’re hesitant and need more time to process.
• Negative Response: Ouch. Your ex is angry, short, or makes it clear they don’t want to hear from you. Respect their boundaries and don’t push.
• No Response: The dreaded silence. They see the text, but they don’t reply. This is, perhaps, the hardest outcome to deal with, but you must accept it and move on.

The Importance of Acceptance and Detachment

The key to navigating this whole situation is acceptance and detachment. Here’s what that looks like:

• Focus on What You Can Control: You can only control your own actions and reactions. You decided to send the text, and that’s all you can influence.
• Avoid Overthinking: Resist the urge to dissect every word (or lack thereof) in their reply. Did that period seem a little aggressive? Was that emoji sarcastic? Stop! Overthinking will only drive you crazy.
• Prepare for Rejection: There’s no guarantee of a positive response. Going in with realistic expectations will soften the blow if you get a negative reaction, or no reaction at all.

Navigating the Aftermath: Moving Forward, Regardless of the Outcome

So, you’ve sent the text. Now what? No matter what happens next, the most important thing is to take care of yourself and prioritize your well-being. Here’s how to navigate the aftermath, whether your ex responds positively, negatively, or not at all.

If Communication is Re-Established

Okay, your ex responded! Great. But before you start planning the wedding, remember to proceed with caution. Don’t get carried away with the excitement of reconnecting. Here’s how to handle it:

1. Taking Things Slow: Don’t rush back into a relationship. Resist the urge to immediately declare your undying love or make grand pronouncements about the future. Focus on rebuilding a genuine connection and getting to know the person they are now. People change! What does it mean if I kissed my ex?
2. Setting Boundaries: This is crucial. Establish clear boundaries from the get-go to protect your emotional well-being. What are you comfortable with? What are you not comfortable with? What were the red flags in your relationship before, and how can you prevent those unhealthy patterns from resurfacing?
3. Communicating Openly and Honestly: Express your needs and concerns in a respectful and assertive manner. Be honest about your feelings, but be tactful and confident. Don’t play games or try to manipulate the situation.

If Reconciliation Isn’t Possible

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, reconciliation just isn’t in the cards. Maybe your ex doesn’t respond at all, or maybe they respond but make it clear they’re not interested in rekindling the relationship. That’s okay. It’s disappointing, but it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Here’s how to move forward:

1. Accepting the Outcome: Acknowledge that the relationship is truly over and that it’s time to move on. This can be painful, but it’s necessary for your healing. Spend some time analyzing the breakup. What did you learn about yourself? What did you learn about relationships in general? Understanding why the relationship ended can provide closure.
2. Focusing on Self-Care: Prioritize your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you relax. Exercise, eat healthy, get enough sleep, and practice mindfulness.
3. Seeking Support: Lean on your friends, family, or a therapist for support and guidance. Don’t isolate yourself. Talking to someone you trust can help you process your emotions and gain a new perspective. Don’t be afraid to ask for help; it’s a sign of strength, not weakness.

Frequently Asked Questions

In Closing

Texting an ex after a long period of silence is a nuanced decision, one that requires you to really think about why you want to reach out, how you’re feeling, and what the possible consequences might be. It’s essential to have healed from the breakup and be in a good place yourself before you even consider sending that first text.

No matter what happens, keep your expectations realistic, respect your own boundaries, and put your own well-being first. If things don’t work out the way you hope, double down on self-care, self-improvement, and realistic expectations for future relationships.

Finally, remember that not every ex is worth reconnecting with. Sometimes, the healthiest thing to do is to move on and build a better future for yourself. Contacting an ex is not always necessary, and if the relationship was abusive or toxic, ignoring them entirely might be the best, and safest, path forward.