Ever been in that dating situation where you’re not really dating, but you’re also not not dating? They text you sometimes, like your posts, and occasionally make plans, but it never really goes anywhere. It’s confusing, frustrating, and makes you wonder what you did wrong.
Well, you might be getting benched. “Benching” in dating refers to the practice of keeping someone on the sidelines as a backup option while actively pursuing other relationships. You’re on the bench, ready to be called into the game, but never actually playing.
Another, similar dating trend is “breadcrumbing.” Breadcrumbing is when someone sends out inconsistent signals of interest, just enough to keep your hopes up, but without any real intention of committing to a relationship.
So, what’s the deal with both benching and breadcrumbing? This article will explore the nuances of these dating behaviors, the motivations behind them, and how to recognize and respond if you find yourself on the receiving end.
Benching vs. Breadcrumbing: What’s the Difference?
Dating can be rough. Sometimes, you’re not even sure what the other person is doing. Are they really interested, or are they just keeping you on the back burner? That’s where “benching” and “breadcrumbing” come in.
Benching: Keeping You on the Sidelines
Benching is when someone likes the idea of you, or maybe just the attention you give them. They keep you in reserve, like a player on the bench in a sports game. The hallmark of a “bencher” is infrequent communication, slow replies, and a reluctance to commit.
Sure, everyone gets busy sometimes. But a bencher is always too busy to actually hang out, even though you see them liking posts on Instagram and TikTok all day. They make vague promises about the future (“We should totally do that sometime!”), but they dodge any attempt to define the relationship. They’re also clearly prioritizing other people.
A bencher enjoys the ego boost of knowing you’re interested, but they don’t want to actually put in the effort of a real relationship.
Breadcrumbing: Stringing You Along with Nothing
Breadcrumbing is even more insidious. It’s when someone leads you on with small, meaningless gestures. They leave you a trail of “breadcrumbs” of flirtation, just enough to keep you hoping for more, but with zero intention of ever giving you a real relationship.
The breadcrumber craves validation. They want the attention without any emotional investment. You might get a “thinking of you” text at 2 a.m., but they ignore your messages during the day. They like all your social media posts, but the conversations never go anywhere. It’s manipulative because it plays on your desire for connection.
Motivations Behind Benching and Breadcrumbing
Why do people bench and breadcrumb? What makes someone want to keep you on the hook, without ever actually committing?
Psychological Factors
- Fear of commitment: Benching and breadcrumbing can be rooted in a deep-seated fear of commitment. Intimacy and vulnerability can be scary, and these behaviors offer a way to keep things casual and avoid getting too close.
- Need for validation: For some, it’s all about the ego boost. The attention from multiple potential partners can be incredibly validating, temporarily inflating self-esteem. It’s like collecting trophies, even if you don’t intend to actually use them.
- Keeping options open: In the competitive world of dating, benching can feel like a strategic move. It’s about having a “backup plan,” the perceived benefit of not putting all your eggs in one basket.
Societal Influences
- Dating app culture: Dating apps can normalize these behaviors. The endless choices create a “grass is always greener” mentality, making it harder to commit to one person when there are so many other profiles to swipe through.
- Social media: Social media amplifies the need for validation. Likes, comments, and followers become a form of social currency, fueling the desire for constant attention and making benching more appealing.
- Fear of missing out (FOMO): The fear of missing out (FOMO) plays a role, too. The thought of settling down with one person can trigger the fear of missing out on other potentially amazing connections. It’s the feeling that you need to explore every possibility before committing.
Recognizing the Signs: Identifying Benching and Breadcrumbing
So, how do you know if you’re being benched or breadcrumbed? Here are some signs to look out for:
- Inconsistent Communication Patterns: Are they texting you every day for a week and then disappearing for a month? Do they take days to respond to a simple question? Benching and breadcrumbing often involve sporadic messaging and a general lack of follow-through.
- Vague or Non-Existent Future Plans: Do they avoid making concrete plans? Do they use vague language when you try to pin them down? If they’re always deflecting serious conversations about the future, that’s a red flag.
- Discrepancy Between Words and Actions: Do their words match their actions? They might shower you with compliments, but never actually ask you out. They might say they’re interested, but avoid making any real effort to see you.
- Social Media Activity: Are they constantly liking your posts, but never actually engaging in a conversation? Do they seem to be active on social media, but ignore your messages? Social media can be a breeding ground for benching and breadcrumbing.
- Gut Feeling: This is a big one. If something feels off, trust your intuition. If you have a nagging feeling that you’re not a priority, it’s probably worth exploring those feelings.
Ultimately, recognizing benching and breadcrumbing is about paying attention to patterns and trusting your gut. If someone is truly interested in a relationship with you, their actions will speak louder than their words.
Responding to Benching and Breadcrumbing: Protecting Your Emotional Well-being
Benching and breadcrumbing can really mess with your head. It’s easy to feel confused, hurt, and frustrated when someone’s giving you just enough attention to keep you interested, but not enough to actually commit. So, how do you deal with it and protect your emotional well-being?
- Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s okay to feel bad! Don’t brush off your emotions. Recognize that benching and breadcrumbing are hurtful.
- Communicate Your Needs: Be upfront about what you want in a relationship. If you’re looking for commitment, communication, and respect, say so.
- Set Boundaries: Don’t be afraid to say “no” to inconsistent treatment or vague promises. Stick to your guns.
- Prioritize Self-Care: Do things that make you feel good about yourself. Spend time with friends and family, pursue your hobbies, and practice mindfulness.
- Walk Away: This is the hardest one, but sometimes it’s necessary. Know your worth and don’t settle for less than you deserve. If someone isn’t meeting your needs, it’s okay to walk away.
Remember, you deserve to be with someone who values you and treats you with respect. Don’t let benching or breadcrumbing keep you from finding that.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you tell if someone is breadcrumbing you?
It can be tricky, but some telltale signs of breadcrumbing include infrequent contact, often through sporadic texts or social media interactions. The person might send flirty messages or compliments without actually planning dates or investing real time and effort. They keep you on the hook just enough to maintain your interest, but never fully commit. Think low-effort, high-flattery with zero follow-through.
Is benching the new ghosting?
Not quite. While both are pretty crummy behaviors, they differ. Ghosting is a complete and abrupt disappearance, cutting off all communication without explanation. Benching, on the other hand, involves keeping someone in reserve, stringing them along with occasional contact, preventing them from moving on completely. So, benching is more like a slow fade than a sudden vanishing act.
What is benching and breadcrumbing, exactly?
Benching, also known as “shelving,” is when someone you’re dating puts you on the back burner while pursuing other options. Breadcrumbing is a related tactic where someone sends out small, noncommittal signals of interest – like “breadcrumbs” – to keep you interested without any intention of forming a real relationship. Both behaviors are forms of emotional manipulation and can leave you feeling confused and undervalued.
The bottom line
Benching and breadcrumbing are tactics used to keep someone interested without any real intention of commitment. The “bencher” keeps you on the sidelines as a backup option, while the “breadcrumber” tosses out just enough attention to keep you hoping for something more. It’s often driven by ego, fear of commitment, or simply keeping options open.
Navigating the dating world requires self-awareness and, above all, self-respect. Prioritize your emotional well-being and establish solid personal boundaries. Recognize the signs of these behaviors and don’t be afraid to walk away, or even consider ghosting a breadcrumber. You deserve better than to be someone’s “maybe.”
Focus on building connections based on genuine mutual respect, honesty, and commitment. Don’t settle for manipulative dating tactics or anything less than you deserve.