Affairs are far too common and can have a devastating impact on everyone involved. Cheating can cause deep emotional wounds and long-term psychological damage, and emotionally hurting your girlfriend can have similar repercussions.
While there’s often a lot of focus on the betrayed partner, what about the person who cheated? What emotional turmoil do they experience?
This article explores the emotional symptoms of guilt that the cheater might face. It’s important to understand the difference between guilt and remorse. It’s also important to know that these feelings, while potentially valid, don’t excuse the hurtful behavior.
Let’s delve into the complex emotional landscape of guilt after infidelity.
Understanding the psychological impacts of cheating on the cheater
It’s easy to assume that the person who was cheated on is the only one who suffers. However, the person who cheats often experiences many negative emotions, too.
Emotional turmoil
If you’ve cheated, you may feel many intense emotions, including:
- Guilt
- Shame
- Remorse
- Anxiety
- Depression
Some people even report suicidal thoughts after cheating. If this is a recurring issue, it may be worthwhile to consider whether hurting a woman who loves you is a pattern. You may feel shocked and confused as you try to process what you’ve done and what it means.
Self-esteem challenges
Cheating can also cause internal conflict. You may wonder if you’re a good person. Cheating can fly in the face of the values you hold most dear, causing you to question your identity.
Anxiety and depression
Keeping a secret like this can cause a lot of anxiety. You might worry about getting caught, and you may feel anxious about the possibility of losing your relationship.
Depression can also occur as you realize the damage you’ve caused and the potential loss of your relationship.
Cheater’s guilt or remorse?
It’s normal to feel some type of negative emotion after cheating. But is it guilt, or is it remorse?
Defining guilt
Guilt is a feeling of unease that you’ve done something wrong. It’s a common emotion, but in this case, it’s more focused on the cheater than the person who was cheated on.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Shirin Peykar, LMFT, says “[Guilt] often seems flat, emotionless, and is more focused on moving on and getting the ‘punishment’ over with.”
Defining remorse
Remorse is different. It stems from empathy for the pain your actions have caused. It’s more than just a feeling of regret — it’s a deep sorrow for hurting someone you care about.
“Remorse is a deep feeling of sadness that one can feel based on something that they have done to hurt another person,” says clinical psychologist Dr. Erika Martinez, PsyD.
Key differences
The main difference between guilt and remorse is the focus. Guilt is self-centered, while remorse is centered on the other person’s pain. This difference in focus can change the way a person reacts to the situation.
Guilt might lead someone to downplay what happened, while remorse leads them to take responsibility for their actions. Remorse is essential for healing the relationship and rebuilding trust.
Signs of Cheater’s Guilt vs. Genuine Remorse
So, how can you tell if someone feels genuinely sorry, or if they’re just feeling guilty?
Here are some things to look for.
Signs of Cheater’s Guilt
- Overcompensation: Suddenly showering you with gifts, compliments, or affection, almost as if they’re trying to buy their way out of trouble.
- Emotional Distancing: Pulling away emotionally, becoming less communicative, or creating distance to avoid facing the consequences of their actions.
- Anxiety and Restlessness: Displaying nervous behaviors like fidgeting, pacing, or having trouble sleeping, which could indicate an internal conflict.
- Aggression: Becoming irritable, defensive, or even lashing out when questioned about their behavior, potentially as a way to deflect attention from their guilt.
Signs of Genuine Remorse
- Sincere Apologies: Offering heartfelt apologies that specifically acknowledge the pain they’ve caused, rather than generic, surface-level apologies.
- Taking Accountability: Accepting responsibility for their actions without blaming you or making excuses.
- Willingness to Work Through the Issue: Actively participating in couples therapy, individual therapy, or other efforts to rebuild trust and repair the relationship.
- Actions to Lessen Pain: Showing empathy for your feelings and offering support, comfort, and reassurance to help you heal.
It’s important to remember that everyone processes emotions differently. These are just some general guidelines to help you understand the difference between guilt and genuine remorse. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide what you’re willing to accept and whether you believe your partner is truly committed to making amends.
Manifestations of Guilt: Specific Emotional Symptoms
Guilt after cheating can manifest in a number of ways. Here are some of the most common emotional symptoms:
- Shame: A powerful feeling of worthlessness and self-disgust because you broke the trust in your relationship.
- Regret: Feeling deep sorrow for the choices you made and the harm you caused to your partner and your relationship. Studies have shown that a large percentage of men (around 68%) experience regret and guilt after cheating.
- Fear of Discovery: A constant state of anxiety about being found out and having to face the consequences of your actions.
- Cognitive Dissonance: A mental clash between your actions and your values, leading to significant distress. You know cheating is wrong, but you did it anyway, and that creates internal conflict.
- Difficulty with Intimacy: Feeling uncomfortable or unable to connect with your partner on an emotional or physical level because of the weight of your guilt.
Seeking Support and Moving Forward
If you’re struggling with the emotional fallout of infidelity, whether you’re the one who cheated or the one who was cheated on, it’s important to seek support. Individual and couples therapy can be incredibly helpful in navigating these difficult emotions.
For both partners, acknowledging and validating the pain of betrayal is crucial. It’s okay to feel angry, sad, confused, and a whole host of other emotions. If you’re struggling to move on, you may find that you need closure to find emotional peace. Don’t try to suppress them.
If mobility or accessibility is an issue, online therapy can be a convenient option. It allows you to connect with a therapist from the comfort of your own home.
Rebuilding trust after infidelity is a long and challenging process. It requires honesty, transparency, and a willingness to work through the pain. Healing is possible, but it takes time and effort from both partners.
Frequently Asked Questions
How to deal with feelings of guilt after cheating?
Dealing with guilt after cheating requires honest self-reflection. First, acknowledge your actions and the harm they caused. Consider seeking therapy to understand the underlying reasons behind your behavior. If you decide to confess to your partner, be prepared for a range of reactions and commit to rebuilding trust. Whether you confess or not, focus on making amends by becoming a more trustworthy and empathetic partner. This might involve changing behaviors, setting boundaries, and consistently demonstrating your commitment to the relationship. Remember, forgiving yourself is a process, and it takes time and effort.
How does a guilty person act after cheating?
A guilty person might exhibit several behavioral changes after cheating. They may become overly attentive or distant, experience mood swings, or show increased anxiety or defensiveness. They might also struggle with intimacy, either avoiding it altogether or becoming unusually affectionate. Some individuals may become more critical or accusatory towards their partner, projecting their own guilt onto them. Others might try to compensate by showering their partner with gifts or attention. Of course, not everyone reacts the same way, and some may become adept at hiding their guilt altogether.
How to deal with emotions after being cheated on?
Being cheated on is incredibly painful, and it’s essential to allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions, including anger, sadness, and betrayal. Seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist. Avoid making rash decisions in the heat of the moment. Focus on self-care by prioritizing your physical and emotional well-being. Consider couples counseling if you and your partner are committed to rebuilding the relationship. Ultimately, the decision to stay or leave is personal, and it’s crucial to prioritize your own happiness and well-being.
Closing Thoughts
Infidelity can have a devastating impact on both partners. Understanding the difference between guilt and remorse can be crucial as you navigate the healing process.
Whether you’re the partner who cheated or the partner who was betrayed, consider seeking professional help. Open and honest communication is key to finding a path forward.