How to Get Closure From Someone Who Hurt You: Find Peace

It’s human nature to seek closure. After a breakup, betrayal, or some other kind of emotional devastation, you want answers. You want to understand why, and you want to move on. You want to know how to get closure from someone who hurt you.

But here’s the thing: people often misunderstand what closure actually is. You might think closure means hearing an apology, getting an explanation, or having the other person acknowledge the pain they caused. You might believe that closure is something they give you. But that’s not really how it works.

True closure isn’t about what the other person does or says. It’s about achieving a sense of wholeness within yourself. It’s about coming to terms with what happened and finding a way to move forward, even without the other person’s cooperation or understanding. It’s not about “doneness” with someone else, but wholeness for yourself.

Why is this so important? Because unresolved emotions can keep you stuck. Lingering pain and resentment can prevent you from fully healing and moving forward with your life. Seeking closure is about addressing those emotions and finding a sense of resolution, so you can finally let go and create a brighter future for yourself.

In this article, we’ll explore the pitfalls of seeking external closure from the person who hurt you. We’ll dive into the importance of self-work and how it can help you heal. And we’ll provide actionable steps you can take to achieve internal closure, even if the other person is unwilling or unable to give you what you think you need.

The myth of external closure: Why seeking it from others often fails

Here’s a hard truth about getting closure: It’s about you, not them.

The core problem with seeking closure from someone who hurt you is that closure is an internal experience. It’s not something another person can give you. When you rely on someone else to grant you closure, you hand over your healing to them — and that leaves you feeling powerless.

Instead, you need to take ownership of your healing. You need to focus on what you can control: your own thoughts, your feelings, and your actions.

This is important because closure attempts can easily backfire and make things worse.

Trying to get answers or apologies from the person who hurt you can easily lead to more conflict, misunderstandings, and pain. You might think a conversation will help you put the past behind you, but it may just reopen old wounds and slow down the healing process.

You have to consider that the person who hurt you may not want to give you the validation or explanations you’re looking for. They may not feel remorse, or they may see the situation in a completely different way. Their actions may not align with your expectations, and that can be incredibly frustrating.

What’s really driving your need for closure in the first place?

Often, it’s fear. You might be afraid of the unknown, afraid of being vulnerable, or afraid of repeating past mistakes. You might be anxiously replaying the situation in your head, trying to make sense of it so you can prevent it from happening again.

Seeking closure can also be an attempt to regain control over a situation that felt chaotic and unpredictable. It’s a way of saying, “If I can just understand why this happened, I can prevent it from happening again.”

But the truth is, some things are beyond your control. You can’t control other people’s actions, and you can’t change the past. What you can control is how you respond to what happened, and that’s where your focus needs to be.

Grief, boundaries, and self-awareness: Essential components of internal closure

You can’t just decide to have closure. It’s a process, not a decision. Here are some of the things you can do to move toward it.

Processing Grief: The Way Out Is Through

You need to feel it to heal it. Grief is a natural, healthy response to loss. It’s essential to acknowledge and allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions that come with grief, including sadness, anger, and even fear.

Find healthy ways to process grief. Talk to a trusted friend or therapist. Cry. Write in a journal. Get the feelings out.

It’s also important to recognize and avoid unhelpful thought patterns. Grieving people often have negative thoughts that can hinder healing. You might think, “I’m better off without them,” or even, “It’s all my fault.”

Instead, try to find more constructive ways to think about the situation. What did you learn? What would you do differently next time? How can you forgive yourself for the mistakes you made?

Creating Boundaries: Protecting Your Emotional Well-being

It’s essential to establish clear boundaries with the person who hurt you to prevent further emotional distress. Limit contact. Unfollow them on social media. Avoid situations that trigger painful memories.

It’s also important to set boundaries with your friends and family. Well-meaning friends and family members sometimes hinder the healing process with unsolicited advice or attempts to fix the situation. People may say things like, “You’re better off without them,” or “It’s time to move on.”

Let your support system know what you need. If you’ve inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings and need to communicate effectively, referencing text examples on how to tell someone you hurt their feelings can be useful. Ask for specific types of support, like a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or a distraction to take your mind off things. Let them know if you need space.

Relational Self-Awareness: Understanding Your Patterns

Relationships shape who we are. Breakups and betrayals can impact our self-concept and self-esteem. In fact, Dr. Eli Finkel has conducted research showing that breakups can have a significant impact on self-concept clarity. The impact of these negative relationships can be severe, so it is important to learn how to get closure from a toxic relationship and heal.

Take some time for self-reflection to identify any recurring patterns in your relationships or triggers that exacerbate your emotional pain. What kind of people are you attracted to? What are your dealbreakers? What are your attachment styles?

It’s essential to understand your own needs, values, and boundaries to build healthier relationships in the future. What do you want in a relationship? What are you willing to compromise on? What are you not willing to tolerate?

Actionable steps toward internal closure

Let’s be real: You’re not going to get closure from the person who hurt you. Instead, you’ll have to find it within yourself.

Easier said than done, right? Here are some things you can do to start the process.

Make a commitment to your own healing

The first step is to decide, consciously, to put your own healing first. This means prioritizing self-care and well-being, and it may mean seeking professional support.

Self-care can look like a lot of things. It can be as simple as taking a long bath, going for a walk in nature, or eating a healthy meal. It can also mean setting boundaries with people who drain your energy or make you feel bad about yourself.

The healing process can be really challenging. If you’re struggling, consider working with a therapist or counselor. A therapist can help you process your emotions, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and identify patterns in your relationships.

There are many different types of therapy. You may need to try a few before you find the right fit.

Broaden your resources: Build a stronger foundation

It’s not healthy to focus all your energy on the person who hurt you. Broaden your focus. Build a stronger foundation in your life.

Here are a few ways to do that:

• Deepen friendships and social connections. Nurture your existing friendships and build new social connections. Spend time with people who uplift and support you.
• Cultivate hobbies and interests. Find activities that bring you joy and give you a sense of purpose. Explore new activities and rediscover old passions.
• Practice mindfulness and self-compassion. Mindfulness and self-compassion can help you manage difficult emotions and cultivate inner peace. Try simple mindfulness exercises like focusing on your breath or paying attention to your senses. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend.

Reframe the narrative: Write a new story and/or work on forgiveness

The stories we tell ourselves about our experiences can have a big impact on our emotional well-being. If you’re stuck in a negative narrative, try reframing the story.

One way to do this is to write a “redemptive letter.” In this letter, you reframe the experience from a perspective of growth and learning. What did you learn from the experience? How has it made you stronger?

You can also explore forgiveness.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning the actions of the person who hurt you. It means releasing anger and resentment. It’s a personal choice, and it’s not always necessary or possible. But if you can forgive, it can be incredibly liberating.

Even if you can’t forgive, you can still focus on growth and learning. What lessons did you learn from the experience? How has it contributed to your personal growth? Use the experience as an opportunity to build resilience and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Frequently Asked Questions

In Closing

Getting closure after someone hurts you isn’t about getting an apology or explanation from them. It’s about finding peace within yourself. It’s about practicing self-compassion and taking responsibility for your own healing journey. It’s about recognizing that you deserve to move forward, regardless of what the other person does or doesn’t do.

Remember, healing isn’t a straight line. There will be good days and bad days. Be patient with yourself and treat yourself with kindness, especially when things are tough. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. Acknowledge those feelings, but don’t let them define you.

The most important thing to remember is that you have the power to create your own closure. You don’t need anyone else’s permission or validation. You can choose to let go of the pain and resentment and focus on building a brighter future for yourself. The closure you seek is within you, waiting to be unlocked.

You are stronger than you think, and you are not alone. Healing is possible, and you deserve to find peace and happiness. Keep moving forward, one step at a time. You’ve got this.